A few of you might have seen me posting around the board over the past couple of weeks. It's taken me this long to try and get my thoughts into some sort of order so that I might be able to post here. Essentially, the reason for my orientation reading 'Still trying to figure it out' is because there are so many factors running around in my mind that I'm finding it rather difficult to make sense of them all. I'm hoping that perhaps someone on here will be able to give me a hand with at least a method of dealing with these aspects. (This post will probably be fairly long, so I apologise for that in advance). First of all, I find myself being attracted to both men and women in an emotional manner. As far as sexual attraction goes, that's also true of both genders, although realistically, I'm not that much of a sexual being. (That is, I've never experienced the actual...ah...act itself with either gender, though I have had a number of heterosexual relationships). Second, I'm religious. Not in a 'goes to church every Sunday' way, and my faith does diversify itself from the by-the-book Christian, although if I'd have to tick a box, that's what I'd call myself. This isn't so much of a huge issue, but I just wanted to make it clear that it's something which niggles in the back of my mind from time to time. I used to be...well...not homphobic exactly, but I had a sort of 'They can be gay, but not around me' mindset. Surprise surprise, having women flirt with me was one of the most uncomfortable experiences for me. I've entirely 'grown out' of that now, but I do tend to avoid getting into any sort of conversation which isn't small-talk or general banter, with a female who I know is gay. When at home from University, I live with my grandparents. (Long story). I love them whole-heartedly, and they are a /lot/ more modern and liberal than most people I know...but my nana is of the opinion that 'Although it's in some people's genes to be gay, it seems to be a fashionable bandwagon to jump onto these days.' So any talks with them about my current predicament is out. My father is fairly young (42), epileptic, christian, and a homophobic. I don't see my mother. I think my main fear is that for whatever reason I've conditioned myself to look at both genders because of my lack of intimacy with men. I've had plenty of chances to sleep with people. (I'm a university student who's in a Theatre society for a start), and even with guys I was dating and wholly trusted and adored at the time. Also, what if this small voice that tells me this woman or that woman is rather attractive suddenly goes away, leaving me with what was essentially a phase. (Currently having lasted about 5 years or so now, but a phase nevertheless). I wholly admit that I'm looking for excuses to not consider myself bisexual, or even homosexual. Surely if I've gone this long, there's nothing to stop me either staying single and hoping a guy catches my full attention...or just staying single and surrounding myself with friends instead. So many factors, and so many insecurities and doubts does not a fun time make.
Get out of my head! :icon_wink My "phase" has been lasting for a good 15 years now. Still looking for a reason why I am different, why I am odd, why I feel the way I do. Haven't found a satisfying answer yet. The few friends I have told, told me to put aside my scientific, cerebral side and just feel. Personally, meditation has helped a lot. Taught me how to connect with my inner self and just observe what is going on (emotionally), without judging or labeling it or trying to figure out why. It allowed me to just be...which is a nice break from all the mindwork I'm doing, trying to be OK with myself.
Oh, I've done my best to just take a step back from everything. To be honest, I'm a logical - rather than emotional - person by nature. It's obvious that I still have some mental barriers towards letting myself actually 'feeling' what's right. Finding women to be sexually attractive in the privacy of my own mind allows a certain sense of, 'it isn't real, so that's okay'.
I can't really be much of a help, but I know that many people (myself included) have felt in a similar way to you. For example, just two years ago, the idea of being "gay" was something that would have struck me as laughable. I discovered that I was attracted to males, of course, and I didn't really see anything wrong with that, but I still believed that I was sexually attracted to females. Being gay was just, well, so gay! I didn't know any gay people, so the thought of it was something strange and alien, something that didn't fit into the way my life had been planned for me. Roughly a month after I discovered my attraction to males, I was watching a video on Youtube of a fairly well known male gay personality. He seemed so fun and carefree, and I thought to myself -"I want to be like him!" And then I went through a another period where I felt similar to how you do; that I was making myself "gay", that my admiration of gay people was leading to my suppressing my heterosexual sex drive and turning to men. Of course, it seems a little silly in hindsight, but at the time, I was really frightened that the only reason I wanted to identify as gay was because I liked gay people so much. So I know that I went through a period similar to yours, where I thought that I might be subconsciously responsible for same-sex attractions I was experiencing, and that they might not be genuine. In my case, at least, the feelings have not evaporated - I am still very much homosexually inclined. It's a fine line here though. Sexuality is confusing, that's for sure. There have been cases of gay men and women living a homosexual life, and then marrying the opposite sex. (My mom knew a lesbian in high school who ended up marrying a man that she loved), just as there are cases of people realizing their homosexuality later in their life. Although my experience tells me that what you're going through probably isn't a phase, there is always a possibility that it could be. So what to do? I'm not an expert here, but I think that you should try and get it figured out first. I wish I had some quick solution for you, but it will probably just take time. You can always try "testing" your feelings with literary erotica, which is what I tried doing. With out getting into too much detail, lesbian erotica never excited me, but gay male erotica certainly did. Of course, this may not be possible in your situation if you need to be discrete, but the public library in my city had a good selection. Finally, I remember when I was in that stage, I would constantly flip between thinking I was straight, bi or gay. I would seriously advise against doing that; realize that it will take time to figure out your feelings completely. Heck, you might not fit into any of those categories. I would suggest to try and keep an open mind right now, and not worry about cramming yourself into the "straight", "gay" or "bi" box. It will come to you eventually. Good luck!(*hug*)
