So my mother could be in jail for up to a year.

I posted about it earlier. I really felt like dirt that night. I didn't do anything that drastic, but I was in a lot of pain. To ease the pain, I listened to some Nirvana and cut myself one or two times. It wasn't a plan or anything. It was out of impulse. I grabbed the nearest thing to distract myself from my mind. It helped for a little bit. I didn't expect to see her get out, but she came back on Saturday morning. She tried to hug me, but I pulled away. I went back into my room and punched my pillow as hard as possible. I wanted to beat her so badly that I could be behind the bars. My teeth have been clenched since that morning. When she was yelling at me and told me to help her clean up a mess she made in her room, I went off on her, telling her to get the fuck away before I hurt her. Even now, I want to kick her. She's made all of the memories I've been blocking out come back. I feel haunted. I am feeling pain every second. My stomach hurt so badly that I couldn't sleep last night. Whenever I see her, I want to scream. I want to fight. I want to get revenge for every single night she ruined in my life. Despite my current hostility, I still feel bad about her going to jail. Without her, I'm going to have to give my dog away and move in with my dad. I'd much rather have a miserable and stable home life than one that has to go through huge changes. She'll be there for a while, but I want to have her stay out. Even though I hate her guts right now, she's still my mother. She might be the biggest burden in my life, but I still feel some kind of masochistic, unconditional love for her. For every time I've held a knife to my wrist, I've wanted her to hug me. I wish she could be a perfect mother. All I've wanted is a stable, loving childhood. It's been over for years now, and I will never get it back. Some part of me feels guilty for not having tried hard enough to keep her away from the booze. I might be too young to have any influence in her life, but I wish I were taken more seriously by her. Every time I want to talk to her or vent, I end up getting yelled at and pushed away. Her screams ring in my ears for hours. I can't talk to her for more than two minutes without being forced away. Sometimes, I truly feel alone in this world. As I chase after what's left of my innocence, I lose more and more of my attachment to this earth. I want my life back.

 

I'm terribly sorry that you are in such a horrible situation.

If you feel as if your mother is incompetent in the way in which she raises you or poses a threat to your safety, then you can go to social services and attempt to go into a foster home. As for still loving her - that is to be expected, seeing as she's your mother. It's completely understandable that below your focused anger there is someone who really cares for her and wants to see her stable.

As for your cutting, I would highly suggest that you try and find an alternative to this. It can be very dangerous and can lead to scarring. Punching a pillow, snapping elastics on your wrist, or even screaming into a pillow might help alleviate some of the stress that builds up from sudden events.

I would also suggest trying to see a counselor about this (a therapist or psychologist). Being able to open up to someone and have them there to listen can be a huge help in trying to reduce distress in your life.

Good luck.