I'll tell you something, I wish I hadn't come out, I wish I wasn't gay and I fucking wish that now that I have come out everyone would stop treating me like some sort of freak! I really don't know what to do now so I think I'll just rant a little and maybe possibly stopping myself losing it tonight in front of friends and family etc. i'm just gonna start with this morning, so today a woman got run over by a car and one of my friends saw it so she had to go home today because she was so traumatized etc etc, I don't know this woman and I really find it hard feeling a lot of emotion for her, I wish her all the best and I hope she gets better but I'm not in tears because she got hit etc etc, so fast forward a few hours and we're in English talking in a group and we got onto this crash when one guy says "I wonder did she go over or under" I dunno why but I found this funny and laughed a bit, so a 'friend'of mine took this to heart and got really mad at me and now she hates my guts etc etc et fucking cetera so later on the bus she is having a 'private' conversation with this other guy who I thought was a good friend, about two seats away from me and don't call me paranoid but I know they were talking about me, mainly because I could hear every word and my name was said quite a few times, usually followed by the words either "faggot", "gay" or "retard" or the phrase "I hate that fucking gay retard" usually in the same sentence. so that's two more people to add to the ever growing list of friends who really aren't... any bigger and I may as well take a piece of paper and write "Portadown College" on it cus that's what it feels like with people avoiding me and refusing to talk and just make the whole place seem about as welcoming and friendly as a knife dipped in green poisonous goo with a diamond covered serrated blade. So what has all this to do with tonight well I've to go to a scouts meeting tonight with MY MUM who doesn't know I'm gay, and it's filled with fucktards who would like nothing more than just to out me in the most public way possible. If I survive it I'll let you know how it went. sorry that was so long but rather somewhere on the internet than in my head,
Wow, god I feel for you. I say hang in there, things will turn out ok in the end. Just hold in there.
While reading your post, I suddenly thought "I bet this guy is fifteen." So I glanced over and...yep. I have no idea why our lives tend to fall apart at that age. It starts feeling like everybody is talking about us, ostracizing us, marginalizing us. We start doubting our friends, our neighbors, our family. (As BB King sang "Ain't nobody love me but my mama...and she might be jivin' me, too.") It really feels like the planets are aligning against us, and we feel like screaming, lashing out, or going into a fetal position and crying for days. Or all three. So, what to do? Try to get on top of things. First friend. Go talk to her. Say "Apparently you're upset that I laughed at that comment that so'n'so made in class. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I don't really wish her harm in any way, but his comment put a goofy image in my head, and I laughed in spite of myself. I hope you don't hold that against me." Second, go talk to friend #2. Let him know what happened. Don't accuse. Just state what you know. "On the bus ride home yesterday, I heard you talking to Friend #1. And I kept hearing my name, and the words 'faggot' and 'retard'. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but it sounds like you were ragging on me. I kinda thought we were better friends than that." Thirdly, go to your scout's meeting tonight, and act like you don't have anything to hide. Because technically you don't. Go kick ass. Lex
I'm with you, Connor. Insecure people react in all sorts of ways. Keep your feet under you. You are smart to anticipate you mother coming to know more about you. Just be honest with her and others, and don't be afraid to be your own best advocate. Your sexuality is just like the color of your hair. It does not define you as a person, its just one part of the whole complexion that makes up the man you are. If someone mentions it feel free to point out how silly it is to judge others based on one relatively small characteristic. Sorry you have to battle like this, but you are stronger than you may yet realize. While I regret the pain you may endure, I for one am glad you are gay cuz that's what makes you who you are. There IS nothing to be ashamed of when you live in honest accord with the energy inside of you. Hang in there, I'm with you. m
Lex is right (woo, big surprise), 15 is one of the hardest times of your life socially. And it is supposed to be, unfortunately. We take a bunch of anxious teenagers coursing with hormones with the sudden urge/expectation to "be social", though they don't really know what that means, put them in the same building, and then act surprised when they don't know how to react or conduct themselves. The point I'm trying to make is that it is at your age is when people are supposed to start learning how to be decent human beings, and on the whole we culturally don't do a very good job of teaching you that. Some of them will lie and cheat and bully and manipulate because, and this may sound stupid, no one really imparted to them that they shouldn't. People rarely intend to be a**holes on purpose, and those that do are obvious. Hell, my family is still trying to figure that out, myself included. So take it in stride and be better for it; it's your chance to exercise your decent-human being-ness. (*hug*)
ok thanks guys, I just gotta say you see this growing up thing... it sucks anyway, back from the meeting that lasted all of fifteen minutes and after I managed to talk to that girl who hates/ed my guts and she walked away but I talked to her friend and hopefully she will argue for my case since I have lost all arguing privileges, also managed to head off the people hell bent on outing me, I didn't say anything but they just sort of stopped and walked away... weird. Anyway thanks again guys
It gets easier. Not because the situations improve necessarily, but because you'll have been through it once, twice, fifty times before. You start learning how to deal with stuff, and not get so worked up when things like this happen. Because you'll have some things in the past where you can say "Well, I emerged from THAT little crisis OK..." Lex
Stay strong, hang in there... it's hard but things will hopefully work out in the end. I feel for you... I hope all works well for you, stay strong, be proud, and don't be ashamed of who you are.
Connor, I feel so sorry for you... (*hug*) People your age can be such jerks... present company excluded of course ... The reality is that the idiots in your world will latch onto anything they can to get to you - that's their thing. Any difference will do, and being gay is different. They'd do the same if you were fat, or short, or peg-legged... it's just another place to attack you. Chances are they're the insecure ones, but that doesn't help you any. I'm not sure there is any direct advice I can offer other than to give you a glimpse of your not-too-distant future. Because in just a couple of years you will be with a more mentally mature crowd, and the number of jerks who get off on putting others down will diminish. And then comes college and/or work and people will care even less. The older you get, the less the people in your world will care, and also the more you'll be able to pick and choose the people you hang around with. So it does get better. Work on your coping skills to get through this. Talk to the ones who you think can be reasoned with or who might just be going along with the true jerks and tell them that you don't like what they're saying about you. As for the real idiots, stay away from them. Ignore them and hopefully they'll get bored at your lack of response and move on to other targets. And if it does get to be too much to bear, consider seeing a school counselor that you can trust. Most will be properly trained to address the situation while respecting your need for privacy. And I know you're out to your dad (for better or worse); would it help to talk to him about this? Most dads don't like to see their children be the target of abuse, and they have some pretty impressive powers! Above all, don't give up on being gay. Take it from me, someone with a few years on you p), it gets better and you can grow up to be a happy person - a happy gay person - like I am. I wouldn't trade it for anything!
