feeling guilty because your gay?

I feel the same way alot of the time. One of the great ironies of my life would be that if I ever told my mother she would be extremely supportive. It seems I'm the only one who has a problem with it really and I feel weird about it a lot of the time. Half the time i dont know why I even feel weird or guilty about it. I do know where you're coming from though.

 

before i came out i didn't like the thought of lesbians. i was the classic homophobe."what if they hit on me?" . But i began to realize the reason i hated them so much was because i was hating myself. when i first came out i was just bi. at least as i thought half-normal. then i started recognizing that i was looking at girls a different way than guys. and evantually i just let myself be gay. but never lesbian. i couldn't stand that word. i just hated it. well it took some time and getting used to before i started calling myself it. i really don't have a problem with me being gay at all. i don't like guys, and i don't like all girls. but when i find a girl i do like (i'm super picky) i just flip. so i kinda understand because thats how i was coming out but now i've been accepted by everyone and my friends so i accept myself. i understand the process is different for everyone but i'm sure you'll feel ok about it one day too.

 

I have been there and know exactly how you feel. Self-acceptance takes a long time but I have become really comfortable with my being gay and I am not the least bit ashamed of it. AngelOnFire already captured a lot of what I would say about my own experience; I was internally very homophobic at certain points, but I've learned to ignore all the stereotypes that people make and I've learned what "gay" means to me and that it is only a part of who I am.

 

I think that self-induced guilt is one of those things that we all hit on our journey toward self-acceptance. I know there were a couple of years there where I was internally and externally homophobic, and I'd always feel guilty if I caught myself checking out a guy as I was walking across campus or whatever. Even after I came out, I had a couple of odd twinges of self-doubt and guilt about not having kids and not continuing on the family name and stuff like that.

Now, I have pride stickers on my car, I'm openly gay, and I don't hesitate to mention, for example, my boyfriend in conversation. At this point, I honestly can't imagine how I ever survived trying to be "straight," and even the thought of not being gay kind of weirds me out now.

I dunno if any of that rambling made any sense at all... Take it for what you can.

 

We all are different, soem of us love the way we are and proud about ourselves, but some of us feel guilty and such

It all depends on you and your thinking about it, if you think you are not guilty then you arent, and opoosite. It's you who's the one to control your life and who you are. You should accept yourself, which in this case, everybody already accepted you, and supported you, so it wont be as hard as for those who are still in the closets and being rejected from their family and friends

Well, sometimes I wish I want to have kids, I love kids but I dont want to produce them, or adopt them, I dont feel good both way, but I want some one to look like his father...

 

I only feel guilty when i see my dad...he always wanted grandchildren from me...and i'm never gonna give then to him, not the type of grandchildren he wants...i might adopt, but will never give him biological grandchildren...

 

For those who are feeling guilty about kids or no kids, here's something to consider.

Why do you want kids?

Is it because you want to carry on a family name? Or because parents/friends/co-workers/miscellaneous yet relevant people think you should? Is it because you think you'll fit into society better with a kid?

Maybe it seems like fun because you see other kids and think how much fun you could have with one of your own. Perhaps you honestly think that the miracle of birth is something that will be worth watching and beautiful and you want to experience it for yourself, and that the instant you see the kid, you'll melt and become this puddle of uber-parental goo. Maybe you like the idea of taking care of someone, i.e. a helpless kid.

These are serious questions that demand serious answers. Which questions you answer affirmatively have direct relevance upon whether wanting/having a kid is appropriate for you. In my case, I thought I wanted children. I have a family that takes great pride in the three generations of Alberts, and was wholly expecting and wanting a fourth, and admittedly, I have a certain degree of pride in being Albert III.

But that was about it. I have no desire to raise a child, or to experience the "joy" of having a kid. I'll be very honest and admit that I'm flat-out too greedy with my time and energy to devote the entirety of it to raising a kid and working so that I can afford to raise the kid. I don't want to be a "good" member of society that does his social duty of reproducing and making another consumer to keep greedy corporations in power. Besides all that, it's not like the world is hurting for people. I mean, there's 6 or 7 billion of us now, so I'm sure the world can somehow manage if I don't have a kid.

Forgive me if I seem really down on the idea of children. They're just not for me. But, but, if you have those grand ideas of raising a kid and playing catch and that magical sensation that allegedly comes from having children and all that sort of thing, then maybe it's worth considering.

 

I wouldn't say I feel guilty about being gay. But I do occassionally feel shitty about it. Mainly because it will come as a shock to my family when I tell them & I'm annoyed that I have to tell them. I know they would be supportive, but I mean, straight kids don't have to announce their sexuality, so it seems unfair that we have to announce our preference because it's different. I also felt shitty going through the realisation this wasn't just a phase, & my attraction to girls was genuine. I hated having to deal with the inner turmoil of accepting my orientation while hiding it from everyone else 'just in case' I wasn't actually gay. The biggest fear I had, & still have, is coming out to everyone, then for some reason, my preference changing....but I know that won't happen :lol:

But if I had to live my life the way other's wanted me to (hetro lifestyle), I'd be one pissed off closeted lesbian. So I'd much rather dissapoint a few people than be unhappy within myself.

Your sexuality shouldn't make you feel guilty. And you are NOT a bad person for living a lifestyle that makes sense to you. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself.

 

:eek: I just don't do bumper stickers! :icon_wink

We all have our individual reasons to 'bash' ourselves over being gay. Self acceptance is certainly the key. As much as we might not like certain aspects of our lives, there may not be anything we can do about those aspects. So let it go! Easier said than done, but that's what is required.

I got married and had kids, and now I feel guilty about 'robbing' my wife of a lifetime partner to grow 'old' with. She was living her dream, and I brought it crashing down when I finally acknowledged that I was gay.

I'm sure you are a good person, as am I. The situation we've been presented with is not necessarily what we expected, but that's life. Other people deal with disease, disability, addiction, etc - all un-exepcted. So just keep working on it - stay positive, and see how life unfolds for you. You've got a lot of years ahead of you! Be sure to make the most of them, and you'll have no regrets.

 

I agree with a lot of what you wrote you wrote here and your post further down. I have wasted a lot of time, playing the "straight" game and acting as though I am interested in dating girls. Its exhausting and draining to live your life as a lie. I agree that I can't believe I survived playing it "straight"(good title for a book)

I am with you on the kids thing. I like kids, but from a distance, but not interested in starting a family. There is nothing "selfish" about not wanting children, its just something that doesn't appeal to you. I know a lot of gay people that have families, but for me personally I feel it would weigh way me down. I know not everyone feels like this. Oprah doesn't have kids, do you think she feels guilty? Probably not, she has said in the past that her career would put them in the way and she wouldn't have the time and energy to spend the quality time with them

I know this might sound negative, but I think people in general are brought up that you should get married, have kids, live in the burbs, and have a golden retreiver. I am sure there are plenty of people who are unhappy with this lifestyle or it doesn't interest them. I use babysit for a woman(in her 40's) and she has 2 kids, it seemed like her last priority are her kids. She likes going to bars, is into myspace, is "loose", and is dating a new man everyweek. She never had food in the house for the kids and there were times where she ran out of diapers, when she should not of.

Guilt implies you have done something wrong. Being gay is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Don't forget about the Volvo wagon! That's the path I had started down - and it didn't work for me. I felt 'normal' on the surface but deep down it just didn't work for me.

I still have the Volvo wagon for those days that I'm the separated dad in the burbs!

 

This pretty much describes me to a tee. Something about having a kid just excites me, and I really really would like to raise one. I know it's not all fun and games all the time but I think it would be worth it

 

You know what is done is done. I was recently on a different forum and I told someone about some of my gay issues. It was interesting because the board is about reality tv, but there is different section to discuss other things. She told me her ex husband is gay. They had a child together. She said after her husband came out he told his ex that he felt like he could start living again and no longer felt suffocated. This woman could not of been nicer or more supportive to me. I don't know how long they have been divorced, and I am sure she was upset at one point, she seems like she has forgiven and MOVED on.

I also have a gay friend and his partner is divorced and has a couple of children. He is still very close to all his children and probably his wife as well.

Life is not perfect. A huge part of life is making mistakes(kinda cliche, but true)

You are young as am I. Maybe this situation is still new for you, and that's why you feel guilty. Maybe when you got married you were confused, thought you knew what you wanted, or knew you were gay, but just went along with what most of society does(get married, have kids). It doesn't really matter now. Look at it this way. You could of stay married, but in the long run neither of you would of been happy. I don't know you personally, so I am making some assumptions here, and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but your wife's life is not over. Maybe she is angry now, but she even if she is she will get over it. She can date again, and so can you!

Your wife deserves to be happy and so do you. Remember what happened in your marriage is NOT uncommon with gay men at all. Its in the "norm"

Look what former Senator Larry Craig did. He embarrassed his wife, himself, his family and friends and many Americans that trusted him. He did this for a national audience. Then he lies about something, he said he was guilty of doing. Instead of just shutting his lid, and going away like he should, he won't shut it! You would think he would have more respect for his family. That man has no shame.

Give yourself a break, my friend (*hug*) Being gay is a struggle.

Justin

 

Hey Justin! Thanks.

Actually - I'm feeling really good about things, and my wife couldn't be more supportive and understanding than she is. She has been amazing given the circumstances. I totally buy into living for today, and that what happened yesterday can't be changed - so why worry about it.

I was simply saying that there are all kinds of reasons for gays and lesbians to feel 'bad' about our orientation - but we need to let the normal grieving process takes it's course around whatever it is that we have 'lost' and move on.

(and btw - I wouldn't say that I'm the same age as you are... I've got 9 years on you I'm afraid...)

 

Oh yeah, I came back on, because I forgot to write the most important thing. Your kids love you just the same!! But I am sure you already know that.

 

as i said in another topic, i've never felt guilty or faced any kind of bigotry. that said, don't feel guilty. it's other people that make you feel guilty. however, you live for yerself, not for anyone else. do what you have to do to make yerself happy first. i know it's like, kinda hard to think that way, especially when yer parents are involved, but it's yer life, not theirs.

 

I feel guilty sometimes. It's one of the reasons because my family isn't proud of me. It hurts. But I'm really depressed most of the time, so I'm not the best example. I know I should be proud of it - sometimes I am - but I quickly fall again into depression and guilt.

 

I used to feel guilty about it. Well, I wouldn't say guilty's the word... more upset. I didn't want to be gay. But then I eventually accepted it (probably about 8/9 months ago), and even now I'm still coming to grips with it. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable about it, but I still don't feel completely comfortable with it - probably because I'm not really out to many people. I'm going to my first Minus18 event this month, and honestly I don't know how I'm going to react once I walk in the door. I'll probably be really uncomfortable, but I guess it'll be good for me

 

You feel guilty because that is what the worldnhas programmed in you. Don't be anybodys ,anybody except your own THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU :lol: