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Seek help. If you're having thoughts of suicide, they need to be addressed immediately. I recommend calling the Trevor Project hotline. I've called them numerous times and they're good not only for helping you deal with suicidal thoughts, but with the simple reality of being gay. I've gotten help from them not only with suicidal thoughts, but anger management, relationship problems, self-acceptance...the works. It's also not a bad idea to get a therapist, something Trevor can also assist you with. They can also help you find gay support groups and similar.

Coming out of the closet is tough. Even if your family and friends are all gay-accepting it's tough. If they aren't, it's even harder.So, if you don't already, simply affirm your gayness to yourself. Say, "I am gay" out loud. Some people like mirrors, others don't.

Then, come out to someone. It's often easier to do this via e-mail or similar than in person. Sometimes it's easier to come out to a newer friend or one you know less well. The first friend I came out to (also the first person I came out to as something other than horribly, horribly confused) was someone I knew primarily through two other friends. I'd actually come out to eight or nine people before coming out to one of my close friends.

And, just as a word of warning, coming out doesn't guarantee you a boyfriend (nor does staying closeted necessarily prevent you from finding one, though I advise against dating in the closet). Coming out should be first and foremost about not lying anymore. Hopefully you'll get love from a man, but there are no promises.

 

I think where you're at is really the hardest part of the entire coming out process. Nah, I know it is, from my own experience. Once you can get to the point of being comfortable with your own sexuality, then it all goes forward from there. Until that time, this is the miserable world you live in. I can't speak for the whole world, but you are not alone in feeling this - everything that you've said.

First let me tell you that this is not worth killing yourself over. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong, only that they are jaded by your current perspective. Once you get to this side of the fence, you'll see that this isn't the biggest problem in your life by any stretch - in fact it's not a problem at all. I've found that the biggest difference between where you are today and being a happy gay man is your own perspective, how you look at it. The world around you can stay the same, and yet a change in your own perspective can be like the difference between night and day. It can even change how you perceive the words and actions of others...

I'd recommend dealing with each thing you've said separately, because they are all significant. Yes, there is no "gay manual". That used to bother me in a huge way, but not any more. There is no manual for life in general. We're all forging our own ways, and all we have is our intelligence, our instincts and each other. Each of these has an important role to play and becomes a piece of the manual that we end up writing for ourselves. It may seem counterintuitive that we should write our own life manuals, but it actually works - just listen to your own heart, your intuition, and the advice of the people who are close to you and who you trust. Somehow we all make it through...

And about feeling alone and that you want to know another man... once again you're not alone. All humans feel this need for love and connection, gay or straight. Try to separate the fact that you're gay from the need for a boyfriend, and you'll realize that this is a universal quest. One thing though, I'll suggest that you do this in a logical order. First get comfortable with being gay yourself. Allow yourself as much time and effort as this takes without other expectations. It isn't going to be easy, but it is the foundation for everything else... Then start the coming out process. Start with someone you trust who can be a confidant. Then come out to more people. Start getting really comfortable with "being gay". Then, and only then, you can start to insert yourself into situations where you'll be around other gay people and where you can start making these connections. You'll be in the right frame of mind and you'll be giving off the right signals which will increase the odds of things happening.

Finally about asking for advice, start here on EC. We are your friends here and no one is going to judge you - no question is too stupid. People like me are here to help you on your path to freedom and happiness. Ask questions and gain some confidence. Then, as I said earlier, when the time is right, get yourself a trusted friend or family member who you can confide in and come out to them. They will become your anchor for moving forward. And it can definitely be a straight friend - a caring and understanding straight friend may be exactly what you need, because it will show you that there are people unlike you who can accept you for who you are. It's a confidence boost.

I hope I'm able to help you a little. I want to see you get to the other side - it's a fantastic place to be and well worth the effort!

 

The first (and by far the most important) step in coming out...is coming out to yourself. And it sounds like you haven't done that yet. Here's some suggestions you might try to help that process along.

First off, look in the mirror every morning and say "I'm gay". The same way you might say "I'm Fred" or "I'm six feet tall". Because being gay is a datum, a fact. And you need to start dealing with it as a fact. So practice saying it as a factual statement.

Secondly, look within a bit. It's very tempting to push things away that you're scared of, but a lot of the time, if you turn on the lights and stare your demons right in the eye, you realize they're perhaps not so frightening as all that. So try examining your feelings a bit more.

Do you fear being gay?
Do you fear being ostracized?
Do you fear what being gay might mean for the rest of your life?
When you picture your future, what do you see?
As objectively as you can, how do you picture your coming out to go?

Do keep in mind that it's a VERY tiny percentage of gays who regret coming out. Some might wish it had been handled better, and some might have wish somebody didn't react as they did. But, a year or two down the road, nearly everybody is happy they made the move. And it's pretty rare for people to react worse than we hope - if anything, they tend to react better.

Thirdly, start interacting some more here on EC. Participate in some threads. Ask some questions. All of us were new to the whole "being gay" thing at one point, and most of us were at your spot (although perhaps not to the same degree). If there's ANY question you have, feel free to ask it. If you're embarrassed, feel free to send me a private message (by clicking on my name to the left there). There literally are no stupid questions as far as I'm concerned, and I'll answer them all as factually as I can. The more you interact with us as fellow non-straights, the more comfortable you should star feeling about yourself.

Fourthly, as suggested above, if you ever find the suicidal thoughts getting too strong, do get help. Because life over here on the other side kicks ass. Let's see what we can do about getting you over here.

Lex