...I didn't go in...THAT time...but more on that later. I've taken a deep breath and starting thinking about where I am...I've seen a pattern. Decided I would throw it out there and see what y'all think. Yes, I think I'm a man whore...to an extent. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I was trying to figure out why I always fall so fast and furious. My brief history: 1) Canada Boy. This is easy. First boy I ever fell for and the person that made me realize I was gay. I was caught up in the pure emotion of the entire thing. It was exciting...it was remarkable...it was amazing. He made me realize who I was. Saw him a few times after our amazing encounter and still remain in contact with him today...we are still "friends with benefits" when we see each other I guess. God, after him I ventured to every gay bar from here to Kalamazoo. The negative: I was a complete slut. Lots of random hookups and random sex. The positive: Meet some good people that are still my good friends today...who know me truly...they know I'm not out at home and they respect my situation. 2)Chicago. On some random Thursday, a year later, I met him. Wow. I can say nothing bad about him. He is everything a guy would want....smart, funny, worked hard at his job and drop dead beautiful. I fell like a feather...and the fall was instant, for both of us. If I hadn't been falling so hard and fast I might as well have been flying. When I was apart from him I literally hurt...but in a good way...kinda the sick puppy love way. But even then I whored around and got my freak on when we were apart. We saw each other often, and we both realized that we were both prisoners of physics. That as smart as we both were there were some things that we just couldn't control: time and circumstance fitting in that category. So we made our peace and went our way...on good terms. Now that one....that one was tough to get over. So what did I do to get over this? What I always do...I whored around again. Which brings me to... 3)Shithead. I really wasn't that into him when we first met. The fall was gradual,over time feelings developed...which I think all long term relationships start. I was moving to his town and I was excited about the possibilities...so was he. Then a funny thing happened on the way to the gay bar in Atlanta....I didn't go in. For the first time, I had no desire to hook up with anyone else. An odd feeling I had never felt. Then it all went wrong. Although I had, and still have, strong feelings for him I realize now that my passions didn't reach critical mass until I felt him slipping away. Which makes me questions my feelings for him in the first place. I try to leave, but I keep truing back. Needless to say he really F'd me up. So what am I doing? Whoring around again to get over someone. It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. By finding a body to lay with I know I am just filling a void. And I know with Shithead I am, on some level, sending a big fat FU and getting back at the person that caused the void to begin with. So, I can't quite figure out if it is just me just getting caught up in the moment. What does suck is that I've met a cute guy and we've been communicating and handing out from time to time. Nothing serious is coming of this, because I haven't completely let go of my last dude. It's a process I know. Anyway...just needed to vent the ramblings of the brokenhearted seeking closure I suppose...and I fully realize that I many have traveled the path that I am now. Thanks for listening.
A couple of things come to mind as I read this... Some people - me included - turn to sex / lust as a coping mechanism. It isn't unlike turning to drugs or alcohol to avoid uncomfortable or negative emotions. The only thing is that it isn't as recognizable a crutch, because everyone has sex, right? Sex is natural. But sex is something we don't generally talk about, so it's tough to guage what 'normal' is, and how your sexual behaviour compares to that of others. A sure fire way to know whether you have a problem or not is to try and stop, and see if you're able. If you can't go for a month or two without engaging in the behaviour that you want to stop and can't, then you might have a problem. Even if sex isn't a real problem, I've said before that your issue might be one of leading these two lives. You've said before that this isn't a problem for you - you're used to it and you handle it just fine. Well, I'd argue that while you might handle it just fine, it might not be the most healthy way to live your life. When you're upset or sad about one of these breakups, you have to put on a happy face and pretend to the world around you that absolutely nothing is wrong. Because they don't even know you're gay, let alone that you've been dating someone. Maintaining that kind of facade requires far more energy than you might imagine, and it doesn't allow you to deal with the negative emotions the same way that someone else would. If you could talk about these break ups with a friend, family memeber, or coworker, maybe you wouldn't be inclined to 'whore around'. In fact, those same friends, family members, or coworkers would be more than happy to cheer you up, take you out for a beer, or introduce you to a gay friend of a friend who might be your ideal partner. Who would know better what kind of guy to set you up with than the people who know you best. Perhaps some food for thought. You're a bright guy - do with it what you want.
