I'm A Rollercoaster of Emotions; I Truly Am

I'm with you, buddy. I might be eleven years your senior, but I know exactly how you feel. I'll occasionally wish I was a female so I would be accepted. I've always felt like a loner, a freak. I know that I'm a good person and it isn't my fault that bad shit happens to me. It's because others care so little about me. The only thing that keeps me sane is posting on here or another website and trying to imagine myself in a different position. I'm very young, and still deeply closeted. I don't think that I would be looked down upon or ignored any more than I already am, but it would give my tormentors a reason. I sound totally fucking hopeless to all of you, and I kind of am. I know that I might not be experienced or anything like that, but please, PM me if you want to vent. It makes me feel better knowing that I can relate to others. Without that security, I fall apart. Just... hang in there. I know I'll be free in a while, just not now. Things HAVE to look up, or else I cannot go on.

 

You ARE a good human being! You DO have love to give to others.

So what's stopping you from dishing it out to those around you?

You indicate that you're not out at all. How come? You don't have to come out to people if you don't want to, but keep in mind that if you're not out to anyone, then nobody really knows the real you. You're withholding a portion of yourself from the rest of the world. You're keeping people at arms length. And it's tough to give someone a hug if you're also holding them at arms length away.

You can't really love people if you won't let them get close to you.

So what has to change? What can you do to change your situation? How / where can you find a place where you feel safe being yourself? Can you attend a PFLAG meeting? Can you find some other kind of LGBT support group? Can you confide in at least one good friend?

And do you want to know something else? Wanting to dress in women's clothing doesn't make you a bad person either. If that makes you feel good, then that's all that matters. Again - not everyone would / will understand, but that's their problem, not yours.

I hate to think of you or anyone else being so lonely and upset. If you want to PM me - please feel free. OK?

 

I can feel your pain through your words... (*hug*) I wish there was a magic solution... but I do believe there is a solution, except that it's real and not magic.

My sense is that you need to find a position of understanding where you can be comfortable with yourself and everything that makes you who you are. This is about looking inside before looking outside. It's not a matter of right or wrong, and it's definitely not about how others perceive you. I feel strongly that you need to find a way out of your confusion in your own mind - only then can you go forwards.

Sometimes the best way out of a confusing situation is to map out a series of steps that lead you to the end goal, and then to follow them through even though they may temporarily lead down a rocky path. I'm not sure your journey can get any rockier by the sounds of it, so this might be a good time to open up completely and see what's inside, even if at first you don't like what you find.

Confusion is often a result of not seeing the forest for the trees. I am convinced that there is a logical and whole story to who you are, but it is being clouded by looking too closely at things that may not make sense on their own. I've found that the key is objectivity; the ability to step back from yourself and see things as they really are, without bias and without prejudice. That can be hard, especially if you're not ready to know the truth. But it is an essential first step on the road to understanding and ultimately embracing who you are.

So put aside the prejudices about who you wish you were and who you don't want to be, step away from yourself, take off your own lenses, and then look at the cold hard facts. What are they telling you? What are your innermost feelings about your own sexuality? What kind of signs do you exhibit with respect to sexual orientation and gender identity? Don't judge yourself for them - just look at them as an outsider.

As you start to build a picture of the facts, what are they telling you about yourself? Who are you really? Who has been hiding under years of repression and denial? What do you suspect is the truth about yourself?

Once you are able to see the truth about who you are from a sexual perspective, you can merge it with the part that you've already recognized (and hopefully which you truly believe) - "I'm a good human being. I'm a nice person. I know I am. I'm not full of myself or anything. I have so much love to give" - to create a story for yourself that makes some sense going forward. It may be a challenging journey, but once you strip away the denial and see the facts for yourself, then you can realize that it's healthier to accept the facts than to change them. In time you'll see that this picture actually makes sense, and you'll start to see the denial for what it is, and for what it is doing to you. It's the denial and the confusion that results from it that's taking you on this rollercoaster ride. Once you can come to grips with who you are and find a place of comfort with it, then the denial loses its potency, and it just goes away...

I don't know what this will leave you with as an end result, but I do know one thing - it will leave you a whole lot happier and a lot less emotionally volatile. I know this because I spent years in the same place as you, confused about my sexual identity, denying the obvious, repressing my feelings, and lying to myself and others to support the false story I was perpetuating. I know how toxic this mix can be to one's wellbeing. I also know how tough it will be to overcome this, how much resistance and crying will be involved.

But if I could only show you just how happy I am right now, how far the pendulum has swung for me from where you are to where I am today, you'd see how much it's worth it. Let me put it to you this bluntly - I am gay, and my sexuality is no longer an issue in my life. I am totally comfortable with it. No more waking up at night crying, no more depression, no more rollercoasters of emotion. Totally and completely resolved. Wouldn't that be nice in your case?

 

It's good that you'll feel better tomorrow. But not so good if the cycle will continue.

It's a shame you threw your female clothes away. I'm not sure why you did. Maybe you were afraid that somebody would find them. Maybe you felt that you could "get on top of it" by removing the temptation. Maybe you didn't like to be reminded of it when you weren't feeling the urge.

But whatever the rationale, one thought was presumably there. That there was something wrong with wearing them. And there isn't. Not. One. Damn. Thing.

That said, I see a glimmer of light in your dark post. More than a glimmer, in fact - more of a beacon. You say "I'm a good human being. I'm a nice person. I know I am." That's the sort of thing I haven't seen in a Shyvin-bottoming-out post before. And I'm very happy to see it. It indicates self-awareness. That you're recognizing that this thing is happening to you, but it ISN'T you. That despite the despair and other feelings, you still feel yourself to be a worthwhile human being. And that kicks ass more than perhaps even you realize.

I still firmly believe you have it in you. To be a happy human being. Not just in brief glimmers, but in toto. Perhaps that'll be as a woman. Perhaps that'll simply be dressed as a woman. Or perhaps it'll be as a guy who occasionally likes throwing on something feminine from time to time. But you'll be YOU. And you already have the first step done.

You know you're worth it.

Let us know how to help you take the next steps. If you're not sure what those are, maybe we can help with that, too.

Lex