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I'm unhappy because I like men and I'm unhappy because I don't like women.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Freak23, May 18, 2010.

  1. Freak23

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    Hi all.

    Where do I start?

    I've pretty much known I was gay since I was around 7 after something happened between myself and another lad. It wasn't initiated by me, but since then my feelings for men have grown.

    I'm not happy being gay. I'm still in the closet and I don't know what to do. I don't have any friends because of it, and up until a few years ago I'd have happily killed myself if it all came out. Luckily, I'm accepting it more but I still can't help asking why I'm like this. I want a girlfriend and kids eventually, but that's never going to happen.

    As I said, I don't have any friends so there's no one for me to talk to this about (though I wouldn't anyway) and I developed social anxiety disorder because of this a few years ago, so I now find it incredibly hard to talk to people.

    I don't think I'm making much sense. There's so much to say. But all in all - I just want to be normal. I want friends and maybe a boyfriend. There's a guy at work who I've fallen in love with. He doesn't feel the same (I can just tell).

    Anyone ever feel/feeling like this? Any help is welcome. Thanks.
     
  2. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi and welcome to EC :slight_smile:
    I'm glad that you have found EC, because I know many people here do relate to how you feel. Most people here have been where you are now. They know what it's like to be in your shoes and I know they'll be able to help you growing more comfortable with your sexuality.
    I'm one of the advisors on EC. If you ever want to contact me, or any other members of the staff to talk in private or ask any question you may have, please feel free to do so, you'll always be welcome.
    Take care
     
  3. British Lad

    British Lad Guest

    Hi and Welcome to EC, I only found out a couple of months ago and I do want kids but I am gay so that will have to be put on back back bench. Trust me, being gay is normal because there is no such thing as normal. Try and enjoy life the you want it because you are a wounderful normal person who just happens to be gay. I think you should start to come out because the more you open up the better you will feel, trust me you will, ask anybody here, I did and The more I told the better I felt.
     
  4. Z3ni

    Z3ni Guest

    Omg, thats how I feel.. part from I can't remember when started to like guys. Being gay has made it hard for me to make friends, and I developed SA also. Sucks, but I'm working on it.

    My current job is helping with the SA, but sometimes get ovehwelming, but hey I still have to work.
     
  5. Sylver

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    You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. I was completely like you, wishing I wasn't gay, actively denying and repressing it, longing to be "normal", wanting the wife and kids... In fact I spent way too long - years - in denial, and it ended up eating away at me and causing all kinds of problems that I have only recently sorted out.

    First and foremost, being gay is every bit as "normal" as being heterosexual. Being left-handed is normal. Being a redhead is normal. Just because a characteristic is less prevalent in the majority of the human species does not mean it's not normal. Humans have a range of characteristics and that includes a spectrum of sexuality that goes from heterosexual to bisexual to homosexual. The human species is not a series of assembly-line robots - it's our differences that make us individuals.

    Secondly, being gay is not all-encompassing, so don't make more of it than it really is. I'm pretty sure there are many unique and interesting things about you. You have specific talents, things you enjoy doing, things you suck at, the ways in which you relate to people... all of these contribute to who you are, just like your sexuality. Before we come out, we tend to make this molehill into a mountain in our minds... just like we think the whole world is staring at us when we have a microscopic zit... :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    The very first thing you need to do is to accept your own sexuality and get fully comfortable with the idea of being gay. It doesn't sound easy, and at the start it won't be. It will mean redefining yourself and your expectations. It will also mean learning about who you really are, not who you've convinced yourself that you are or should be.

    Remember that the whole "wife and 2 kids" thing is a generalization and a stereotype, even in the heterosexual community. Nobody lives a patterned life like in the movies or sitcoms. Everyone's situation is different. I don't know how many teen girls I've heard say that they're looking for their knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet... it never happens, but I guess the dream helps them grow and mature. Same with the wife and two kids...

    Think about it. Why would you want a wife if you're not attracted to women? From a logical perspective, it doesn't make any sense - a dullard could foresee how that won't work out... No, when you say you want this, it's just your subconscious mind expressing that it wants to be "normal" by applying the stereotypical vision it has been given of what's normal. But there's a huge difference between wanting something because you know it's right for you, and wanting something just to conform to some arbitrary set of expectations...

    One of the most important early steps in your journey to self-acceptance is learning what being gay is all about, what it is and what it isn't. I'm betting that you have accumulated a whole lot of stereotypes about gays and lesbians and this is contributing to your unease. Do some research on the internet. Read over the Resources section of EC (well worth the effort, especially the "Coming Out" parts). Meet some gay people in real life (without coming out to them) and get to know them. Study a few gay icons (mine are Ian McKellan and Ellen Degeneres) and get to understand what parts of them are associated with being gay and what parts are just other aspects of their personalities.

    You need to build a new image of yourself, and to modify your understanding of homosexuality. In doing so you will come to realize that it is not a burden or a curse (which I used to believe) but rather an interesting and unique part of you, but only one part nevertheless.

    I'll offer you some proof. I was where you are before I came to EC. There was even one night when I was crying my eyes out and screaming out loud "I don't want to be gay!!". In just a few short months I can say with all honesty that I am gay, I'm proud to be gay, I'm even glad to be gay, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Nothing at all. This is me, and now that I have tasted the sweetness of being who I am, nothing more and nothing less, I will never go back! :slight_smile:

    Why am I saying all this? Because I believe there is an important order to things when you go from "unhappy being gay" to "happy being gay". Self-acceptance is the all-important first step - you shouldn't be planning anything else until you achieve this, otherwise it will have negative effects later on - trust me on this (as someone who put the cart before the horse). The second step is coming out - first to someone you trust to get an anchor and a confidant, and then to your inner circle, and then to the world.

    Only then should you start worrying about a boyfriend and being a "normal gay person". You want to approach a relationship from a position of strength and happiness, not as a way to get comfortable with being gay - that's not likely to happen. Relationships are challenging enough as it is (gay or straight). So I'd advise you to take the time to get your own house in order, then move on to the rest of your life as a gay person.
     
  6. British Lad

    British Lad Guest

    Holy crap I never new intil now that Sir Ian McKellan was gay, god just goes to show how new I am to this whole thing, (I thourght he was completely straight, just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover). Any other Gay celebs (like uber famous) I should know about, not Sir Elton John, George Michel, Boy George and Matt Lucus.
     
  7. Jiggles

    Jiggles Guest

    Just like Scott Mills on BBC Radio 1! That was a surprise to me.
     
  8. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    What's the first step? Keep working on accepting your sexuality. Because everything you want from life? It's still open to you. You can have a great job, great friends, a nice home with a wife and kids. The only difference is, when you get home, your wife is gonna have a penis. :slight_smile: Being gay changes NOTHING else. Certainly things may be a bit tougher, and you might run into an obstacle or two that straight folks don't, but none of these are insurmountable.

    About your friend at work. Don't do anything in that direction. Not because he's not gay (he might be), or doesn't feel that way about you (he might), but because you're just not in a good spot yet. Even if he were gay, and were interested in hooking up with you, you're still in SelfDoubtLand so deep, any relationship would probably cause more problems than it solved. So put that aside for now (although feel free to moon after him - you can enjoy the crush aspect of it all you'd like).

    So how do you work on accepting it? You've already made a great step forward (if I may say so) - you started an account here. You're now part of a community of non-straights. No, not all of us have ended up friendless or developed SA. But all of us are aware of what it springs from. We've felt the "nobody must know" feeling. We're well-acquainted with the "how will they react?" and "how do I tell him?". For some, it was a five-minute thought process - for others, it's been going on for decades. But we've all been through it. So hang out here, read some threads, interact. As you do more of that, you'll start subliminally accepting that "they're gay, and they're just folks like everybody else". And you'll presumably start feeling better about yourself, too.

    As a quick side note - I'm an advisor here at EC (like Eleanor). So if you ever need to talk one-on-one with somebody, just click on our name to the left there, and select "Send Private Message". We'll get back to you tout suite. (Presumably, Eleanor will get back to you tout suite-r, since she's French and all.)

    PS - made you an avatar if you want it. :grin:

    [​IMG]

    Lex
     

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  9. Freak23

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    Thanks for the responses.

    Yeah, I guess I know what I need to do. I've just gotta start accepting it whether I like it or not. It's just pretty difficult without having anyone to talk to offline. But I've made steps - a few weeks ago, I got in touch with an organisation designed to help people like myself. I just haven't been brave enough to set up a one-to-one meeting yet. I'm gonna try and get that set up for next week.

    I'll let you know how that goes.

    Thanks again. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Freak23

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    Oh - and thanks Lex! :wink:
     
  11. Lexington

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    You're welcome. :slight_smile:

    >>>I've just gotta start accepting it whether I like it or not.

    Sounds a bit contradictory. :slight_smile: You need to start accepting it, because the sooner you do, the sooner you'll start liking it. Many of us who have accepted our sexuality stopped looking at it as a burden or a curse. We now view it as a blessing. For me, being gay kicks ass. Hopefully, we can get you there soon. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  12. Beachboi92

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    Hi Welcome to EC and let me start by saying DONT WORRY (*hug*) things will work out. Just because you are gay doesn't mean you will not be able to have a happy committed relationship and even kids. In todays society there are so many ways to create a family (invetro, adoption, surrogate mother etc) so if the big thing making this hard for you (i know it was my biggest obstacle) is the idea of "i want a family" don't worry it can still happen, you can still be happy, and live a normal life. :slight_smile: if you need ANYTHING message me i'd be happy to talk i know just how you feel :grin: (*hug*) hang in there
     
  13. Gambit

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    Hi and welcome to EC! A couple of months ago i was in the same possition as you. I hated being gay because my biggest dream was to have a wife and 5 kids ( not only 2 haha). I couldnt accept it, and i used to think that God was testing my desire to be a father by making me like boys. Now, i am starting to have more confidence about myself and accepting being gay. i no longer think it is a curse or that i'm a monster. EC has helped me a lot getting to that point of acceptance. So i recommend you to read some of the threads here on EC (i got a lot of good advice in my threads, maybe you could find them helpful too).
    Good luck!