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To confess or do something else?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Love etc, May 18, 2010.

  1. Love etc

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    First off, please, spare me the hate and lectures. I KNOW what I did was wrong, despite the situation and my reasoning.

    Alright.

    So last weekend I got high with a couple guy friends. I know that wasn't the best coping method but I was dealing with parents, not getting a raise despite my continued work and effort at my job, not finding a job in my preferred field despite my hard work networking, issues with the girl friend and my self-hatred I feel.

    Despite this, I know I made a terrible mistake of cheating. I made out with two of my guy friends and had sex with one of them... :icon_sad: I didn't feel any sexual pleasure from it like a straight or bi girl would and thus I was reaffirmed that I am indeed gay. One of my guy friends said he wished I wasn't gay. This made me sad and feel more self hatred again. I thought I had moved past the self hatred I feel from being gay but apparently I haven't.

    My girl friend heard that I got ridiculously high that night and was mad-and rightly so. Getting high is not a good way of dealing with your problems. It was a stupid mistake. I told the guy friends not to say a word of what else happened to anyone because I don't know if I could live through losing my girlfriend. I feel so much self hatred and even more now that I've done this.

    I know I should tell her what else happened, but I love her so damn much I don't think I could feel happiness if I were to lose her. I've never felt so happy as I do when I'm with her. She's helped me through dark times as is, and is currently going through dark times herself and I know that I have to be there to help her through those too. I think I would like to marry a woman like her some day, assuming I get over my issues.

    Please go easy on me. I feel so horrible already but send some advice my way if you can?

    :help:
     
  2. Lexington

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    Whenever I give advice in a situation like this, I say to come clean and confess.

    And I'm always outnumbered at least 20 to 1 who say "Lex, are you fucking INSANE? Of course, don't confess. Lie, hide, deny. Tell yourself it never happened until you believe it never happened."

    But I'll say it anyway. Come clean and confess.

    I'll skip over the part where I give you grief for what you did. But know that if I did, it wouldn't be because I enjoy making you feel bad. It's because I want to make sure you feel bad enough that it DOESN'T happen again.

    Lex
     
  3. Chip

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    I agree with Lex.

    If you don't have trust and integrity with your partner, then you don't have a relationship that's worth anything. Reverse the situation for a moment. Would you want her to cheat and not tell you? You need to treat her the way you'd want to be treated (or the way you think she'd want to be treated) in that situation. Yes, it sucks, yes, it could cause loss of the relationship, or at the very least, some pain and anguish. But living a lie is worse. You'll feel terrible, and if she finds out other than from your telling her... then you will pretty much lose any hope of keeping the relationship in any kind of healthy way.

    On a separate note... you've previously spoken, if I remember correctly, about your issues with drugs. You may already know this, but this
    is, quite frankly, a bullshit excuse, and I think you know that. Addicts rationalize their drug use by claiming to others (and sometimes by convincing themselves) that it was "justified" because they were stressed/angry/depressed/lost a job/hated their job/their shoes were too tight/their parent was nagging them/whatever they could come up with.

    And it's all crap.

    I'm not trying to fault you or rip on you, but if you're already struggling with addiction, you NEED to get help NOW, in the form of some good therapy where you can talk about your self-esteem issues, and the frustrations and stresses you have, so that you can learn some healthier coping mechanisms, and retrain yourself so that you don't reach for some consciousness-altering substance any time you feel stressed or upset or down. Otherwise, you'll be stuck in a lifetime cycle of addiction.

    It's good that you're reaching out for help, and I suspect you already know what the right answer is, but just wanted to hear it from others. So now you've got the validation. So I'd say... do the right thing, face the music, and take whatever consequences come of it. Don't use the ensuing stress/drama/hurt as an excuse to go out and get high again; seek therapy, find someone who can talk to you and help you do something other than getting high, or go to an AA or NA meeting.

    You're realizing that you've got a problem and that's excellent. It's only a short step from there to actively working on solving the problems.

    Good luck and keep us informed.
     
  4. Sylver

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    You've got the best team in the world helping you out in Chip and Lex, so listen to them. I agree that you have to come clean with your girlfriend, and then face the consequences. The only thing worse than losing your gf would be keeping her under the pretense of a lie. That would destroy any basis for an honest relationship and she deserves at least that. If you really love her and care about her more than you care about yourself, then you'll tell her.

    I want to add one thing. Our bodies have some pretty impressive feedbacck mechanisms. There's a reason it hurts like hell when we whack our fingers with a hammer - it's the body's way of teaching us not to do it again, and it works quite well. Pain is a wonderful teacher. Our minds have the same mechanism, and that's what you're feeling right now. You know you did something wrong, and your mind is making you feel some pretty crappy emotional pain.

    I want you to really feel that pain - take the time to listen to it, get to know it, make sure it really hurts. And when you come clean to your gf and that makes you feel even more like hell, feel that too. You need to allow this to be your consequence, so that you'll learn from this and not repeat this mistake. You can't change the past and you do need to move forward, but only after you've gained something from it. That's how you're going to be able to put it behind you.

    Finally, listen to Chip and get some help with this drug problem. In fact let me suggest that when this gets emotionally difficult with your gf, give this to her as a gift and as a token of your love for her - promise her that to atone for what you did, you will get help and get over your need to hide in drugs, so that this can never happen again. Maybe that will be what she needs to trust you once again. Because I can tell you for sure, if you were my partner and you didn't make this offer, I would lose all trust in you and it would be over.

    Now go and make things right! :slight_smile: