Not sure where to start with the question so I'll begin where it makes most sense. Today's my last day of being 18 and I want to make things different for the next year. For the last few days, I've been going to sleep at 3-5 am, waking up at 10-11 am, napping at 7pm and repeating the process, doing the 'usual' things a guy of my age does. I'm tired of my current lifestyle and I want things to change for the better. As far as coming out, it's not something I think I'll do until I move out and make some friends (probably after I get my AA) so whatever my mother's reaction will be, I'll be on my own to figure my path with good people around me. My mom is one of those southern moms (we were born in New Orleans, to put a place behind the story) that thinks that you are a 'punk' if you are gay; she makes those remarks only if those in the LGBT community are talked about. At one point, she asked me if I liked guys and I said no, it was too awkward to come out to her. I feel like not doing it at all will be my best bet. (Oddly enough, I like Perry Ellis's clothing and I bought it up and she 'loves Perry Ellis,' so I think she might not know about his sexuality). Back on topic. No plans of coming out until I move or make enough friends to do so. Where I live in Florida is NOT friendly. We always joke that there are 10 friendly people in the entire state, which might seem exaggerated but it's been true so far. (After losing everything in Katrina, we moved to Houston for a few months and then moved here because of my mom's friend). Anywho, I don't have many friends here and I like that to an extent because of moving a lot I've learned not to make friends if I'm going to move any time soon. Socially depriving, I know, but it works for me. As far as guys go, I've had a few crushes but I've never talked to them. There was this guy who works at Dunkin Donuts (I'm not at Starbucks guy) and we talked about petty things, but nothing important. And there's another guy at the local college who I have yet to talk to but he's an 11 on my scale and looks to be a nice guy. [For my stats, I'm 6'1, 190 or so, muscular build, black hair, brown eyes]. I'm pretty good at asking questions and keeping eye contact I can improve on but I'm not totally frightened of talking to people. The lump in the throat, sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat happened around the college guy every time I saw him but I never garnered the courage to talk to him.... :tears: My gaydar's is of a novice level and with time it will improve. I need to start over and at least make friends on here who have a lesser chance of moving away so I won't be forced to end a relationship. How should I approach the new year and how can I open up to other people a bit more? Although I don't want to make friends here (Florida) because most do not seem genuinely friendly, there are always exceptions to the rule. I feel like I'm wasting time being in college when I can be doing something else. Maybe I get too focused in multitasking? Any help will be more than appreciated because it'll give me some insight to make a difference in some way.
Well just run into it. I run towards the new year every year and I embrace it with open arms. And I just do what ever I feel like.
As Adam Savage from Mythbusters would say, "Well there's your problem!" It's a little hard to offer broad advice that totally rebuilds your life, but it seems like a fundamental issue is your approach to friends. I'll venture to say that it's reflective of a somewhat deeper issue that might be underlying things. You sound like someone who, because of your past, has built up some defenses against friendship in order to avoid what has been an inevitable loss due to always being on the move. So knowing that you're likely to be on the move once again, the old defenses kick in... First off, I don't totally buy that friendship is harder to come by in Florida, or even in your specific part of Florida. Friends are what you make of them, and it's possible to make friendships almost anywhere as long as you allow it to happen. Which I'm thinking you're not... at least not consistently. There are all kinds of people in this world, and many of them can be good friends if you find a point of resonance with them. You just have to trust your intuition to anticipate which are the good ones and which might end up hurting you or screwing with you. My first piece of advice to you would be to drop your block against friendship and start actively seeking out friends where you are. Forget that you might be on the move again. You don't know that for sure, and besides we all move around - it's a trademark of this life we live. The weaker friendships will be fleeting and will drift off after you move to be replaced by new friendships in your new location, while the stronger friendships will persist across your move. I've made some incredibly strong friendships here on EC with people who I've never met and who are in different countries from me... Now, I think you might benefit from having direction in your life. It helps to know where you're going if you're planning on getting there... Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 and 10 years, what you want to be doing to make money and to get the most out of life. Then figure out what you need to do in order to get there. College can be a door-opener, but it is not the only path to a future. But you should have a plan that has been well thought out and that makes sense to you. I would strongly recommend against just drifting through life because you're not likely to find happiness just by chance... As for the relationship deal, if my experience is anything to go by, your gaydar will not "improve". I lack a gaydar processing unit or something... And besides, I think the whole idea of gaydar is a distraction. Get yourself a trusted circle of friends, then get yourself out into an expanded world that puts you in contact with people. Someone might know someone... or you might just chance upon a friendship that evolves into something more... I just happen to believe that relationships are more likely to "happen" than to be something you can plan. If you want a relationship, plan to give yourself an environment that is conducive to letting it happen on its own. And multitasking is a good talent to have, imho - just don't let it become an excuse. Hope some of this helps!
Is it possible to have too much direction? From my youth, I was always the smart, brainiac kid who made all A's every year of grade school. When I made my first 'B' in fifth grade, I put my face in a pillow and cried. After that, I focused on school even more and in sixth grade, after acing every class again, I was given a Presidential Honor award, a marble award signed by George W. Bush. I remember walking down the aisle to graduate with the 4.0 average thinking how I could have improved, which thinking back, seemed absurd. In seventh grade, I was well ahead in math and the teacher pulled me aside so that I could get started on high school math. In high school, I befriended my favorite English teacher and she knew the spark that I had towards writing. During my sophmore year she kept telling me how good of a writier I was and it showed, I made a decent grade in the class. Junior year, I had an idea of something to write about and I showed her a draft of it and she told me to keep her updated on it, which eventually turned out to be my first book. Senior year, the ending of it especially, she became my mentor, telling me what and what not to do in writing and in English to become successful. On the last day of high school, she wrote me a great 'goodbye' letter which I'm looking at now on the frame near my bed. There's a lot more to the deeper part of the story. When I was younger, I had a higher pitched voiced and was always teased about it, I was a bit chubby and never played on the football team when almost every time my brother was the quarterback and I sat down picking the plants. One time I remember that he got mad and to prove his worth to his 'friends' he pulled up my shirt and I ran inside and cried. Back then, my self esteem was next to nothing and I never exactly had the chance to make real friends (even now, I don't but that will change) without having something happen to hinder the process... My mom has this false expectation of me so instead of acing classes I guess I rebelled a bit and dropped my GPA to prove a point. I feel like she doesn't know anything about me except the 'kid' that used to remember all 50 states and capitals in under ten minutes and the one who one anything academic. Not only am I living a lie by not coming out, I'm also living against the ten year old image I made for myself. I'm really interested in just making a difference somehow. Whether it's doing something with art (writing poetry, novels, etc) or exposing something that may make a difference, I feel like exploring a field with tangible results is the way to go. That's one reason why I would, if I had the chance, drop out of school because I believe I can do more in the same time to help others than get an education for myself. I don't know what to think, I'm just a pile of questions morphed into a human being.
This additional information makes me even stronger in my convictions. You need to take control of your life. Almost everything you've said indicates that you've "adapted" for the sake of others - you dumbed down your grades, you blocked friends, you're living to a 10-year old image... remember that it's you that's living this image, not your mom... Even the coming out part, it's something you do for yourself, not for others... Your whole story is about someone who has learned to cope by being anyone other than who you are. So the solution is quite simple - figure out who you are and who you want to be, and then make a plan to be that person. The second part is easy - the hard part is figuring it out. Once you know who you are, then all you have to do is be yourself. You're probably at that age where you should be forging your own identity. You have to learn to say "damn what others might think". Be a brainiac!! The world needs these. Be gay and be proud of it!! The world is not homogeneous, so you don't need to be just like everyone else. You used to be teased? Make this a part of who you are today, accept it, and move on. If necessary, forgive those who did it. You can rest assured that they had problems of their own and they were just acting out. Yes, even your brother... Confront him. Ask him why he did it. Tell him that it hurt you and you want resolution. Stand up for yourself! Because if you don't, then who will?? And let go of the idea that your behavior is mature... I don't mean to offend you, but adapting and hiding is not a sign of maturity... it's a sign that you haven't found your own voice and strength yet... your identity. You want a simple answer? I have one for you! Take control of your life and be who you were born to be, not who the world or your mother or your environment want to make you. Find out who you are and be that person. Stop adapting!!
I'm trying to make my own image, it's just that I don't feel like it's the right place to do so. I think that it's not in my best interest to make friends with those that don't have the same interests or are the same type as me (that's not how it was meant to sound) so I figure I should spend the few months centering around myself, what I believe in, etc. which I already have, I haven't acted upon it yet. I know who I am, the world doesn't. How do I show my image to the world and end living in a forged lifestyle? It's kind of obvious but for some sense of perspective, I can spend three days at the college and not talk to anyone but I can go to Subway have a five minute chat. (And yes, I actually did apply for work there, forced by my mom of course, and it didn't work out).
I get the sense that you may know a few more things about yourself than before, but you lack a defined road map for your life. Somehow you have to integrate everything you believe or you have learned about yourself into a storyline that makes sense to you and that you can follow. Why not take a year off college to figure things out? Don't abandon it, just take a break from things to gain perspective... take a job at Subway or wherever just to get a taste of the working world. That's what I did - I had a couple of rough years at college because I wasn't in the right mindspace. I went to work at Burger King for a year, on the night shift no less, and that gave me a whole new sense of what I wanted to do with my life. Not just on the bad side (it was obvious that I didn't want a career at BK ), but also through the friends I made and the freedom from expectation. It gave me a chance to think about things objectively. For example, without the threats of exams hanging over my head, I could objectively ask the question whether I could commit to the studying required to get good grades based on what I expected to gain from it after college. I went back to college the next year, I graduated, and to this day I am still doing what I love!
That's what I've wanted to do since Day One of the college thing. I know, another excuse in the bucket, but from the second or third week, I knew I wasn't enjoying "the college experience." Maybe it's the campus I'm at (there's another more appealing one closer to where I live that seems more like a college) but the people were so self centered and uninviting that it makes me wonder why am I wasting my time? I'm a pretty friendly person when it's only just myself so that switching campuses might be the best thing to do. If it were just me and I were a few years older, I'd currently be in Charlotte, NC. For several reasons it seems like a nice city and there is at least a more active community there. So the place I want to move after school is already decided and all I have to do is visit to get a better feel of the city. As far as passion/career, something in the arts is what I would love to do. The neighborhood up there I am interested in is the artsy district and it has tons of friendly looking shops and restaurants but wouldn't be able to confirm that until I go there in person. So city and passion I have, all I need are a few friends there and a way out of Florida. I extremely dislike wasting time so maybe the next three months can go to making friends around the world.
Colleges can be better or worse, but I have yet to run into a campus that is TOTALLY one way or the other. I have yet to see a campus that's devoid of freaks, jocks, and the entire spectrum of student activity. If you try making inroads on one student, or one group of students, that doesn't mean the entire campus is lacking. It just means you might have to look a bit harder to find the ones you DO click with. Lex
Thanks, Lex, for the response. I've read some of your responses on the site and they always seem to be dead on. I'm sure that there are people I would click with (the guy I saw all year that gave me eye contact, "the look" and I never talked to him) and it is my fault for my lack of hunting but the other campus is bigger and has a more varied distribution of students, if you get what I'm saying. The campus I was at the first year is basically a three story hunk of mass built 45 degrees to the left of what is considered normal surrounded by a few portables and three other building and a library about a quarter mile away. The other campus is more collegiate feeling and hopefully has some sense of pride in whatever is prideful at a community college. With that sense of risk going for me and my mom not really caring what campus my brother and I go to (I asked about online college and it costs the same as normal but you'd have to show up to the campus for exams) I can discuss that with her tomorrow where she wouldn't really put up a fight because of my turning 19.
Well, some thoughts... It's hard making friends if you're coming in with preconceived notions about what interests they need to have, or what type they need to be. Obviously, there needs to be some points of joint interest to even have a conversation, but some of my friends do things I'd never consider, and vice versa. There are some with which I clash politically, there are others that I get into heated religious debates with etc... And yet, despite the fact that there are quite a bit of insurmountable differences on some issues, they're my friends. We like hanging around and having those discussions. And even if i don't agree with some of them, it's always interesting to hang out and know what they have to say. It's more about this kind of "click" than about them sharing all my interests. Now, where did I meet these friends? Certainly not in my first year of college. In retrospect, I think that the reason most people seemed self-centered and uninviting was that they were nervous and trying to fit in themselves. It was all new to them. I can't say that my first year was all that happy. I didn't talk to a lot of people. In second year, I found out that some people (those who hadn't dropped out after first year) defrosted and after accidentally stumbling into a conversation wih some, becoming friends just seemed to happen. By this, I don't mean: "stay where you are and everything will be better" It is very well possible that ther places really are better. And if you want to study something different, then it's best to change now, instead of in three years. However, the grass always seems greener on the other side, until you get there, and discover that it has problems of its own. So try not to have too unrealistic expectations of this idyllic other college or the perfect atmosphere in Charlotte. by all means, switch colleges if you think the other is a better fit, but once you actually have to be there on more than a visit, there will be things that irk you as well. If you can't move out of Florida now, it might be best to prepare for it as best you can. Try to find a job and save some money (not because your mom tells you to, but to fuel your plan), try to find out if there is a local organisation or club centered around art, or poetry, or about doing some kind of volounteer work you'd find interesing. There will be people with similar interests there. That way you'll make friends and learn new things and possibly make a difference. And it also could help you find what you're best at. "Something in the arts" sounds like a passion, but it's still a bit ill-defined. This is also where getting some kind of a degree is helpful. Arts isn't something you can immediately be self-sufficient in, so it helps to have some kind of diploma to fall back on. This post turned out a bit longer than I thought it would, but I hope my thoughts can be of some use...
I didn't mean to sound as condemning as I did about the making friends part. As long as there's some common ground (school, majors, classes, etc) and a conversation gets started, I can hold my own. Differences are good and it's even better to have variety and I want a sense of variety with people around me. There are a few options for what I can do next year. I can either change campuses or join a club that seems interesting. When my brother and I went to see more about the club, the people seemed cool and inviting. If I decide to go that route, scheduling classes around then should be easy if I sign up early enough. For now, Charlotte is the clear winner of where I want to move. It's pretty accepting of the LGBT community from what I've read (I won't know until I visit) and the city looks nice and friendly. All cities have bad neighborhoods but being from one of the worse in New Orleans, a lot would have to happen to shock me. I'll have to extend the thought of living there until things go right with income and everything should be set for at least a visit for next year. (I've never flown before...). Saving money should be easy. I don't like to spend so saving a couple hundred should be easy especially when financial aid comes around. It's just the thought of waiting for three months in the same area every day when I can be doing other things that annoys me so much. With the arts, I've won an art contest with drawing and have written a book but poetry seems the easiest. Art has been good to me so it's hard narrowing the field down to only one thing, although drawing is the most natural. I'll stick with drawing because it is the most creative and takes the shortest amount of time. Thanks for the help, Filip. It's helping to fuel more thoughts of where I should go next from here.
Ahhh...Charlotte...a great town. Was there a few days ago. Awesome city. Sorry..just a random comment. But it is a great city. I actually do go to CLT often and you are right, it is a nice city with a very active community there.
