depprestion any idea's?

Hi there! (*hug*)

Don't worry about "going on for days" about your problems. We're here to help.

Here are a few things you could try or tell us if you have already tried,

a) Therapy
b) Exercise (cardio - running, biking, etc for 30 or so minutes each day)
c) B Vitamins
d) Antidepressants *last resort*

Have you talked to anyone about your depression? A doctor? A friend? A family member (mom or dad?)?

Do the problems that make you depressed focus around your sexuality?

Sorry if this is kind of short, but answering the above would help me and others write more thoughtful and detailed responses.

 

Well that is one hurdle you will have to get over; there is no way anyone can help you beyond giving generic advice (ie. a, b, c, d) if you're not willing to be a little more specific on what is bothering you.

You said you've tried counseling before. Did that help at all? How did you feel about it?

Exercise can help because it releases "feel good" chemicals. It might not address the root cause of your depression, but it may help to alleiviate the symptoms. The same goes for B vitamins (specifically B12). As far as antidepressants go, I wouldn't recommend them to anyone unless all other options have been exhausted. They're nasty.

 

Well, from someone who has just gone through the most hellish 3 months in my life, I know what you are going through.
I would drink myself until I would pass out in my tracks. Then I turned to hard drugs that almost killed me, literally. But I would do anything to escape reality.
It's easy to say do this and do that. But easier said than done. When you suffer from depression, even such little things as getting in the shower seem impossible.
I can simply tell you from my experience that drinking does send the demons away...but in the morning when the sun rises, the demon returns...with re-enforcemnts....and even more cruel and vicious than he was the day before. Even though I don't drink like I did, I still do drink. But trust me it doesn't make the problem go away.
There is a difference between being miserable and sad and being having clinical depression, which is a chemical imbalance in the brain.
There will always be a debate on anti-depressants, granted they are probably over-prescribed. Some swear by them, others detest them. Although some of the newer ones are less harsh and have less side effects than older ones. Only a doctor can tell if one is warranted...and if he does, make sure you follow his instructions exactly. Anti-d's are nothing to play around with, and they take a while( 4-6) weeks to take effect. It could be you have legitimate depression, but only a professional can tell you that.
First and foremost, you have to make the decision to take charge of you getting better. I did when I was lying in a hospital bed after a cocaine overdose. It was then when I decided to seek help.
Secondly, you need to try a therapist again. But you must be honest with them or it won't do you a damn bit of good. It was extremely difficult for me to say to a stranger the first time "I'm gay". But they are not there to judge, they are there to help you get through what you are going through. From there, they can make the call if you should try an anti-d or something for anxiousness...but I agree that should be a last resort. But from the sound of your post you are quickly heading for a tailspin, so I would seek out someone as soon as you can.
From there, diet nutrition come into play...but you gotta take the first steps before you get to that.
All I can say is that I have been through it all, and I did all of the following I suggested to you....and while I still a ways to go, and my demons are still chasing me...for the first time I believe I'm beginning to outrun them.
Good luck. Hit me up if I can help some more.

 

I'm always hesitant to make recommendations about depression because it can be serious and it can be easy to misinterpret the gravity of it based on what you're saying... So let me start out by saying that if this ever feels like it's getting out of control on you, get professional help - see a psychologist or a counselor or a therapist. Don't let it get to the point where you do something irreversible...

I'm trying to figure out how to best advise you. I'm thinking that you want to address the underlying problems... but you haven't really said what they are. Is this related to your sexuality, "living the lie"? Or are there other things compounding it? Why don't you actually share a few of the root problems in this thread? That might make it easier for others to help you with specific solutions...

But since your sexuality seems to be at least partly responsible, then I know exactly where you're coming from. I lived with the corrosive effects of lying to myself and to others for years and years... until it got to the point where there was going to be nothing left inside of me if I didn't take action. My long story short, I sort of accepted being gay, came out to someone, had a major setback and realized that I really wasn't comfortable with being gay, came to EC, found the help and compassion I needed and got my questions answered, truly accepted myself as gay, "restarted" the coming out process, and just a few short months later, I am out to everyone that matters and my life has totally turned around. No word of a lie, I have never been this happy as I am right now.

So if your situation is similar and you ca no longer live with the self-destructive effects of lying and being ashamed of who you are, then let me suggest that you make a plan to go from where you are today to where I am and where so many others have made it to. I'm getting the sense that even though you've come out to others, you might have made the same critical mistake that I made - putting the cart before the horse and coming out to the world before you fully accepted your own sexuality.

Let me suggest that you start by exploring the facts about homosexuality. Discover what it means to be gay and what it doesn't mean. Face down the stereotypes. Get to know some gay people in real life, and study some gay icons. Ask questions here on EC, no matter how stupid you might think they are. Learn the truth.

Then step back from yourself and examine who you really are - objectively. See the facts about your sexuality for what they are, not for what you want them to be. See for yourself whether you are gay or bi... And once the facts are there in front of you, accept them. Embrace them. Accept that this is who you are, and you can be proud of it.

You don't have to be thrilled that you're gay, but you do have to get to a point where you recognize that this is who you are, and you're ok with that. In time you will come to be happy as a gay (or bi) person - it will happen. Then, when you come out to other people, you'll be doing it from a different perspective - not to seek their approval or to get a boost of confidence, but to share the truth with them regardless of how they feel about it. You'll be saying to them, "This is who I am, and I want you to know the truth about me. And I'm not ashamed of who I am - I'm happy to be myself!"

This is when you'll start feeling better because now you're defending yourself instead of always acting out of shame. This is the start of the turnaround in your life. And you'll notice something else; the people you come out to will pick up on this; they'll see that you are still the same you as always, but even happier... and the ones who care about you will pick up on your happiness, and they'll say to themselves "If he's this happy as a gay guy, then being gay can't be all that bad". And on it goes from there.

But it all starts inside of you. You need to fix the inside of you before you work on the external world.

Anyway I hope this can be of some help. If you post more information on what's troubling you, I'll be glad to offer more insights as I can.

 

Okay, I won't repeat what I've shared of my story in previous threads but you can go look if you like.

My spiral downward into depression doing a version of what you are took 36 years. I am now coming out of the dive and it is painful but is also giving me freedom and peace that I've never had.

Bamaboy is closer to your age so listen to him if you prefer. I promise, though, the price is too high for what you are currently doing.

peace, Mike

 

You say that counseling didn't work, because when you talk to people about it, it makes you feel vulnerable. And you're right, after a fashion - you're exposing your (perceived) weaknesses to somebody. But one thing to point out first - you're doing that right now. Right here. With us. You're telling us about your problems and asking for advice. You might think it's different because we're online, but there's not that much difference. A therapist is just a real-life version of this. And, to boot, the therapist has a lot more training, and will have a better idea what questions to ask, and how to proceed.

As far as not wanting to open up, I can understand. The thing is - we all have demons to fight. And it often feels safer to stay behind the door, hearing them rattle around fearfully. But we usually end up hitting a point where we can't go on anymore. Where the only way to move forward is to metaphorically grab our swords, swing that door open, and stare the demons straight in the eye. Because when we keep the demons behind the door, we start feeling we can never conquer them, and they grow bigger and bigger in our mind's eye. It's when we open the door and stare them down that they shrink down to size.

It sounds like the problem you've had is hiding the real you. Which makes treatment difficult, since the first step is talking about what the problem is...which means NOT hiding the real you. My advice is just keep at it. Keep going here in this thread. Talk about all stuff that's bothering you. Yeah, the thread will probably go on for days. You didn't get to this spot in a day, so you ain't getting out of it in a day either. But let's at least get you on the right path.

And no, alcohol won't help. It'll numb the pain for a bit, but all you're doing is pushing the problems back a bit. Once you start sobering up, the problems will still be there waiting. And, on top of that, you'll have "I'm drinking too much" problems on top of your other ones. And each time you drink, you're allowing those demons to grow.

So keep posting. Keep telling us about your issues. Tell us about the REAL you. We're here to help.

Lex

 

Just from reading your post and replies, it seems to me that your problem is not the fact that you are gay, it's the fact that you can't live your life as you choose. You are terrified of close friends and family finding out, so you become an actor. You play the role of a character that is not you.

So what happens then? The isolation and loneliness set it. You dwell on it. You feel as if you have no one to talk to. Then, all those issues come crashing down, and you enter a hopeless tailspin.

Many have dealt with this issue, so you are not alone with that. It is an extremely difficult and painful situation to be in.

All I can tell you is what I said before. You have two choices:
1) you can continue down a set path of self destruction. Which was the path I was on for weeks.
2) you can make the decision to begin addressing these issues and take charge of getting better. Which is the path I am on now. It's not an easy path, and it is painful coming to terms with certain issues.

I still say therapy would help. But you have to be willing to open up and be completely honest. It may be difficult, but you have to open up to be able to work through this.

 

I get the feeling that there's a few things going on here, and they are compounding each other. In fact they're wound up like a mess of string that needs to be untangled...

No matter how you look at it, the booze and drugs are not helping. They are confusing the issues you are trying to deal with to the point where it's hard to tell what's what. Plus they are making you feel guilty afterwards... So you really need to get control of these vices because they are messing with you.

Then you also seem to have trouble dealing with your emotions. You chose to live a life of numbness early on and that sheltered you somewhat from the full scope of human emotion, but it's pretty obvious it wasn't satisfying. So now you get the full range of emotions, from happiness to overwhelming sadness, and you find them hard to manage.

It sounds like control is a big part of the problem - controlling your emotions, controlling your vices, being in control of you own life... My inclination is to say that this is complicated enough to warrant professional help. You'll benefit from having strategies for overcoming your addictions (or more correctly the vices you're hiding behind), managing your emotions, and finding a balance between your emotional side and your rational side.

All of this rollercoaster ride you're on right now could be resolved by getting professional help... You really should consider it, for your own sake. The alternative is to keep on living in this nightmare, and I can't see why you'd want to do that for much longer... it doesn't sound like a pleasant place to be...

 

I can only agree with the previous posters.

I was in the same place you are now, only I didn't turn to alcohol, but to food.
Just as you, I had been putting on an act for a very long time and was now overwhelmed with the build up of ignored feelings and emotions and didn't know how to deal with all that.
At a certain point I was just hanging on, trying to get through the day, living hour by hour. Very close to the edge of the cliff. I didn't believe in professional help. It meant I would have to open up and trust somebody with my most private thoughts and feelings. That felt scarier than everything else combined.
It took me three falls starts to find the right professional to help me.
One GP told me I was wasting her time and the next two therapists I didn't feel I had a good enough connection with to let them help me find myself again.
But encouraged by friends and a colleague I gave it another go, found a good counsellor and am happy to say I am well on the way to recovery.

I guess what I am trying to say that it might take a few tries before you find what works for you.
Don't give up. Talk to somebody. Talk to us. You are not bothering anybody.

 

Well, you're gay. Say it to yourself. I bet the world didn't stop spinning. If someone doesn't like you because you're gay, why would you like them anyways? "Those who matter don't care, and those who care don't matter." Basically I think you should just try to accept that you're gay first. Realize it's not something you can change. You can't change it. So if people don't like you because you're gay, there's nothing you can do. It's their issue. What I'm getting at is that you can't change it, so embrace it. It's who you are and if someone has a problem with you because of something silly like that you don't need them. I bring this up because it seems like it's an issue with you.

Secondly, stop the alcohol and drugs. Stop doing anything that makes you feel bad about yourself. I'd listen to the part of your brain that says to go out and fix your problems. You'll feel like you accomplished something and help liberate yourself of the your depression.

You mentioned you feel like you want to accomplish something. Well, go out and accomplish something. Do something you want to do. Go get a hobby you enjoy. Find something - anything that you can cling to and feel good about yourself for.

I know it's not as easy as I make it out to be. But it sounds like you want to come out of this depression. And you're the only one who can do it. If you need to, as others have said, go to the psychologist or psychiatrist. They really could help you. They know plenty of ways to help and they are not allowed to mention anything you say to anyone else.

So, accept that you are gay and cannot change it, so all you can do is embrace it. Stop drinking!!! Go out and solve your problems like you want to. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, and if you need to, see a therapist. Even if it makes you feel vulnerable, they can't tell anyone else, and they are not there to judge you.

 

I can't say as I know precisely what's going on, but I can take a couple guesses.

Yes, emotions bring pain. In the same way food causes food poisoning, and sex causes chaffing. It's a negative side effect that can't entirely be avoided. But the answer to that isn't to attempt to avoid the cause altogether. It's to learn to make good choices in order to minimize both the frequency and the severity of the side effect.

Most of us have made the mistake of trusting somebody too far, or too quickly, and getting burned. This might be getting conned by somebody, or having a friend turn on us. And the common response when this first happens to us (especially if it happens early in life) is to announce "I'm never trusting anybody ever again". Which of course is overkill. Eventually, we start trusting people again. But we're perhaps a bit warier. We're reluctant to put our hearts (or wallets) on the line until we feel more secure. Older but wiser, as they say.

And that's the way it's supposed to be. We're supposed to learn how to deal with the crap that comes along with the positives in our lives, so we're better equipped to handle them and enjoy them. So we can enjoy that new car without driving it into a tree. So we can enjoy sex without getting any STDs. And so we can enjoy those happy times without feeling like they're controlling us.

It IS very easy to try to tackle them with the help of alcohol, pot and whatever else. Because they do in fact push the problems away temporarily. But the problem is - it's temporary. They'll be there waiting when you come back down. And in addition, you can end up with "I've been not dealing with crap because I've been stoned/drunk " problems on top of those, and maybe even "I'm becoming addicted to alcohol/etc" problems to boot. Which is why this tactic rarely is a good idea.

I'm going to stick by my original post. You've got some demons to face. Ones you've been avoiding for quite some time. And part of what you're experiencing sounds to me like they've grown too big to ignore. Which to me means it's time to put on that armor and start picking out a sword.

First thing to consider - opening up to your friends some more. You're not "making a fuss" when you confide in your friends. They're your friends because they LIKE you. Not your artificial smile - YOU. When one of your friends hits a rough patch - they lose their job, say, or break up with their girlfriend - do you drop them like last year's fashion? Do you think "Gee, what a bummer - come back when you're ready to party"? No, you listen to him, you empathize, you try to help him work through his problems and feel better. Because that's what friends do. And you've got some friends there who are wondering what the problem is. If they're disinclined to hang out, it's because you're being mopey and NOT telling them what the problem is. Start bringing them aboard. Let them know what sorts of things you're dealing with, and let them know "I feel I can tell you this stuff, because you're my friends."

Lex

 

Information actually has no intrinsic value.

For instance, I'm assuming nobody in my circle walks around whispering to each other, "Did you hear about Lex? He had a turkey wrap for lunch!" Why not? Because that's open information. I eat the turkey wrap out in the open. Anybody can see it. Therefore, it's no big deal. If I ate my lunch in total solitude, if I crept into the supply closet and locked the door to eat lunch each day, then people would probably start wondering what the hell was going on. And suddenly, the "value" of this information would go up. They might start stopping outside the supply closet door to see if they could hear me munching, or smell something cooking. People would suddenly "get up all in my business".

This actually is applicable across the board. I slumped into a pretty deep depression about two years ago. I went to the doctor to have some tests done, and we both decided this was probably a chemical issue rather than a psychological one. I got put on some mild anti-depressants, I improved over the next two or three months, and I weaned myself off of them within six months.

Do you know who I trusted with this intensely personal and sensitive bit of information?

Absolutely everybody.

My partner, my parents, my close friends, my co-workers. Hell, I posted about it a couple times on facebook. This confused a few people. One said "You act like you're PROUD of this depression." That wasn't actually accurate, but he was in the ballpark. I was "proud" of it the same way I'm "proud" of being gay. In the sense that pride is the opposite of shame. No, being depressed isn't anything to be proud of, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be ashamed of it. It's a medical and/or psychological condition - that's all. And so I approached it as such. I went and got treated for it. And I didn't care who knew about it. Because I was already depressed - I didn't need the additional burden of trying to force a happy face, or praying people wouldn't find out. It's like letting everybody know about the turkey wrap - once everybody knows, the information isn't worth anything anymore.

This isn't to say I share absolutely everything with everybody. Yes, there are things I share only with close friends, and I ask them to not spread them around. And they've been good about it. But there's not a lot in that section. And as such, I can't really picture sharing something "small but significant" (which I presume you meant) because there IS nothing "small but significant" left to share. And if I found a friend betrayed my trust on one of those things I asked him to keep quiet, I'd simply revisit the idea of them being my friend, period.

>>>most who i have trusted over the years have betrayed me at some point so i dont take the risk. i spend alot of my time avoiding risk.

And at the risk of sounding somewhat snarky, I'd like you to take some time to look at where you find yourself right now...and decide if this is such a great idea.

Life isn't the avoidance of problems. Life IS problems. It's you handling the problems. Sometimes well, sometimes poorly. And hopefully, if you're like most people, getting better at it. So when the next problem pops up - and it will - you'll be better equipped to handle that one. And mind you - "life is problems" isn't supposed to be a depressing thought. It's just a realistic one. And one that doesn't preclude you or anybody from living a great, kick-ass life. Because as you go along and get better at dealing with stuff, the more adept you'll be when the bigger problems come along. Just like those video games you play (I'm assuming). When you first start, you face those two inept foot soldiers who say "Freeze!" and take forever to pull their weapons up and fire at you, giving you ample time to take them out. Twelve rounds later, you're surrounded by trigger-happy snipers and mutant killers and battledroids, with nothing to fight them off with but a broken tree branch. And there you are, fighting them off. Because you've built up the skills.

Life has no cheat codes. And no God mode. You're gonna have to build up these skills. So perhaps it's best to get crackin' on it.

Lex