So, we've all heard the advice, "You need to love yourself first, before you can really love others." But, honestly, how often is that advice followed by anything meaningful? Like, y'know, what that means or how to do it. So, I've decided to create a space to talk about it. To me, loving myself means that I believe I don't deserve the bad things that happen to me. It means that when I make a mistake, I don't believe that I'm defined as the sort of person who makes that kind of mistake. It means that when I look in the mirror, I'm okay with what I see. It means that I don't call myself "ugly" or "stupid." Getting here's been hard, and I'm not done yet. But I have found some things that help. Whenever I start to bash myself, I change the thought. I say, "No, you aren't unloveable. You are, in fact, loved." or whatever. Even if it feels totally untrue. I spend time with people who like being around me, and I don't question that they like me. I don't try to work out what on earth they could possibly like. And I do my best not to lie about who I am to my friends, or to myself. When I make a mistake, I try to learn from it and correct it. And I note my progress, and compliment myself on my success.
I had to do a lot of what you described when I was younger and I'm still not totally to the point where I love myself. I like myself a hell of a lot more than I used to, though. My hugest problem though is not taking things personally. Like I just started a job and I love it but one of my supervisors is the biggest cunt you could ever meet. She's just rude and abrasive when talking to people and really pisses me off. And when I first started this girl who was teaching me what to do was like the biggest thing I can tell you is don't take anything anyone says here personally. It can get stressful and that's just how it is. And I was like you know what, she's right. I still have a hard time because it's so ingrained in me, but now when I'm forced to interact with this supervisor as I'm walking away I just have to repeat "It's not personal" in my mind over and over.
Great topic. I'm not there yet and am still doing the all the things you both mentioned. At least now, I'm aware of what I do and how hard I am on myself. I mentioned this in another thread as well; what really helped me to begin not hating myself anymore is meditation. It was a rough start, with lots of emotions and feelings I didn't even know were there. I sat with them, acknowledged what was going on and now am working on not judging myself so much. Still a long way to go, but I'm happy with the way things are going.
I would say that I'm half way to being at the point where I'm ok with myself. I still have alot of hard times, and I still let my bad thoughts get to me. But I'm working on it!!
Okay, yes, I'm perhaps the resident Jesus freak: "Jesus said "You shall love the lord you God with all of your heart and all of you sould and all of your mind. This is the greatest commandment. And the second commandment is just as important: you shall love your neighbor as yourself." Love yourself and love your neighbor. Loving and respecting others begins with the self and is in no way "selfish." God bless you on this journey. Peace, Mike
As a long-time sufferer (practitioner?) of self-hatred, let me pose an alternative thought... What if the end goal is not loving myself but accepting myself? The idea of "loving myself" has always seemed a little narcissistic to me (or a little instructional ). I'm starting to wonder whether or not coming to terms with being gay, learning to accept how I look, any physical or mental challenges I may have, my social anxieties or quirks - whether all of these share the same origin. And whether they share the same solution - accepting and being comfortable with who I am. I've wondered if there is a valuable lesson to be learned from animals. I have yet to meet an animal - cat, dog, bird, even a wild animal - that exhibited self-loathing. They neither hate themselves or love themselves; they seem to just accept who they are. It's as though they know that their Creator made them this way, and so that can't be wrong even if they're different from the others or their traits deviate from "normal". I hope this doesn't sound silly but I've often found myself envious of the fact that animals are so content with who they are. Before my sister's dog died, she was paralyzed in her hind legs and was dragging herself around the floor... it was hard to watch... yet she never once looked self-conscious or ashamed of it. It was just a reality of her physical body at that point and she went on with her life. I wonder how many humans would be able to do the same... This still doesn't make it any easier for me, but it gives me something to go on. I really have accepted my sexuality, and I feel so much better because of that. Now I wonder if I could get myself to accept how I look, just how much better I would feel... But I am working on it!
I usually follow the "love yourself" canard with two bits of advice. One, as you suggest, is to accept your faults. Accept that you're going to say some dumb things, that you're gonna make mistakes, that you're not the perfect hottie you wish you were. That doesn't mean you shouldn't strive to NOT say dumb things, but you can accept the fact that sometimes you will. And my second bit of advice is "love who you are". If you love watching game shows on TV, and doing jigsaw puzzles, and cooking vegetable lasagna...don't hold back because "gee, nobody else likes this". Get DOWN with your bad self. Spread out that jigsaw puzzle, turn on The Price Is Right, and preheat the oven for your lasagna. Don't sort of tiptop around it - LOVE what you love. Lex
