Ok I'm not sure where to start, but I feel like I need to just get this out there. Some of you might not believe this, some of you might not understand it, I don't even understand it, but I'm trying to work through it. About two years ago the thought popped into my head that I might be gay. It freaked me out, thoroughly. I became panicked and paranoid extremely anxious and depressed. I started noticing and checking any small thing I might do or say that seemed gay. I began to believe that I was gay, I convinced myself that I was a homosexual. I had to reason to believe this other than the fact that the thoughts were popping into my head. Instead of letting it go, I picked at it, and messed with it, until it grew from one thought into an obsession. This past year I have gone through several periods where I was convinced I was gay, I began to try to come to terms with the fact that it was possible, even bouncing back and forth from bi to gay and back to straight and back to gay, back to bi, and so on and so forth. I told my family, I told my therapist. Not once, as someone who has come to terms with their sexuality and is trying to come out, but several times. I flipped back and forth between months sometimes between weeks. I was in and out of depression, I ended up in a behavioral hospital, aka a mental institution for a couple of days because I was on the verge of suicide. I had been diagnosed with bi-polar and was fighting the idea that it was possible. I really and truly believed that I was homosexual. I had even told a couple of close friends that I was. They were very cool about it, but I never felt the relief that many talked about when coming out. I also never felt like I was hiding part of myself. It was more a fear that I was or that those around me were. I think it was derived from a fear of not knowing my sexuality in general, a fear of intimacy, and a fear of homosexuality in general. I do not know why I became so caught up in all of this. Like I said I was to the point of fully believing that I was. I had done my best to come to terms with it. The one thing that bothered me through all of this is that I had never felt any sexual arousal towards males. No deep attraction like I felt towards women. I believed that my thoughts were what made me. I wasn't paying attention to my heart and my body. My mind began to play tricks on me, it was convinced that I was, because I think that is what I told it to think. I have been on here and done plenty of research. I found an post from a while ago where people were talking about when they knew, how long they kept it suppressed, and how they knew. These people knew because they could look at another man if they were a man, or another woman if they were a woman, and could tell by there level of sexual arousal and feeling of attraction in there body and even heart if they were close enough in a relationship. They usually felt little or no attraction to the opposite sex like they did to the same sex. It had nothing to do with there thoughts. This was kind of ground breaking for me. I had been in relationships with girls. Only actually "being" with a girl one time. Ever time I was with a girl I was extremely aroused just being around her. I wouldn't have to even touch her, just look at or think about and boom there it was.... I thought to myself, well if I am gay, or bi than there should be something similar going on around guys right? Well I decided to check and see. I watched a couple videos of guys online, dancing around with shirts off, grinding on eachother etc... results... nothing no reaction. I then turned to videos of girls dancing shaking etc... immediate reaction, watch out! I did this a couple time over a period of a week to account for any kind of interference and then turned up the intensity. I watched some gay porn, guys pleasuring themselves, two guys getting it on, etc... results, no arousal, in fact the opposite, I was pretty turned off, no offense to anyone here but I was a little disgusted. I moved to the girls, little surprise, immediate reaction, extreme sexual arousal. I did the same testing in the real world, watching attractive guys and attractive girls, same results as the above mentioned. You would think this would be enough to settle most anyones mind, but mine is not so easy settled. This has helped me clarify the idea that I am not gay, that I am actually straight. Coming out of the closet as straight? I know what you're thinking, this guy is out of his mind. As crazy as it sounds I was and still am to some degree obsessed with my sexuality. I spent almost two years barraging my mind with this stuff that it has really twisted up my thinking. I have tried fighting the obsessive thoughts, I have tried pushing them away, but neither have worked for me. The only thing I have found, through some research into buddhist teachings on letting go of obsessions, is to merely watch it. Do not try to fight the thinking, do no try to give it a name, or make a choice to think one way about it, just watch it. Learn how it works, see how it reacts, merely observe. Try to befriend it, and eventually it will began to heal. The readings portray it as a wound, and just like a wound on your body, if you continually pick at it or mess with it, it will never heal properly. In fact it will usually become worse, infected, and begins to grow and spread. This is what has happened to my thinking, it is a psychic wound, I have poked it and prodded it, fought with it, and paid too much attention to it, and now it thinks it has control. I am going to do the only thing that has seemed to help so far, and that is to follow the guidelines of the buddhist teachings. I will watch it, let it do as it will, and just be, just let go. I will not fight because the only thing I am looking for is peace of mind, I will use silence and balance and I believe I will over come it. I want to thank everyone on this board for your support. You are all amazing people, and I wish you all the best. I hope those of you with wounds of your own will work to heal them. I hope the new group of younger boys and girls coming to terms with there own differences will do so with grace and step to the challenge to change peoples minds. Not through force but with peace. Show them that you are unique and happy and what they think does not effect you. I know that this whole thing although it has hurt me, has only made me more open minded and stronger. I see that everyone can be good if they make the right decisions. None of the other things like race, sexuality, eye color, religion, IQ, viewpoints on life, etc... have anything to do with who you are as a person. With that I would like to say goodbye. I don't know if I will be back, if I do it will only be to provide support from the other side. I hope we can all learn to live together and truly be a united front. We can all learn from each other and the answer to most questions is love :icon_bigg
You were right, I am confused by your story. But, it seems you already know what you need to do. The wound simile was a perfect fit. The only thing I can say is stop picking at your sexuality, stop worrying so much about labels and just go with what your body wants. You don't need to put a name to it, just be open minded to opportunities. Nothing wrong with answering "Are you gay?" with "I don't know." Sexuality isn't black and white, so stop trying to call a shade of grey white.
i can't honestly say that i'm happy to read this, being a gay surfer is pretty lonely. but i'm really glad you've been able to make it through everything that you've been going through in one piece. people lose themselves to thoughts much more simple than what you've gone through. best of luck, and i think that in time you're going to be just fine sorting through whatever issues are still lingering around. just remember while you're practicing silence and balance to keep yourself open to people. it sounds like you have some good friends and family there. [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPoTGyWT0Cg&feature=fvw[/YOUTUBE] just had to put this in, it seems appropriate and i love this song.
I want to formerly apologize to anyone who read this post. I think I was a bit out of my mind. I've been so back and forth with this whole thing it's ridiculous really. That was complete denial. Like otc877 said sexuality is not black and white, far from it infact. I definitely suppressed and denied somethings, that I know proved my sexual attraction to males. I feel like an idiot for making this post and would like to have it deleted, but maybe it's better I keep it open as a reminder to myself. Right now, I am going to step away from it all, trust things will work themselves out and stop trying so hard. It seems like these things will happen whether we fight them or not, sometimes you just have to go along with them.
