A guy I have only interacted with a couple of times (we play games with each other on Xbox live once in a blue moon) came out to me and asked me for advice on how to proceed with everyone else because I'm the only one who knows and because some of our circumstances are similar (both military brats who started dealing with this stuff in their mid 20s, the same age etcetera). There are obviously some differences however (as is always the case) as he is married and has kids. I think I gave him reasonable advice, but honestly I'd appreciate some tips as I told him if he ever needed someone to talk to he could come to me anytime. Things I mentioned he should do: -Start every day by saying into a mirror "I'm gay" and get comfortable with the idea. -Find other people who he is comfortable enough to tell and confide in them -Set a deadline to come out, it doesn't matter if you meet it, but it will hopefully help you come to grips with the fact that it's something you have to do eventually (this was something I did that helped me). Things I mentioned for him to mull over: -It's not fair to your wife to be with her out of convenience. She deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her. -It's not fair to yourself to live an unhappy life because it's "convenient". -Your kids deserve to know who their father really is. -Maybe not initially, but your friends and family will accept you if they truly care about you, and if they don't they aren't worth your time. -His life didn't need the extra stress of trying to hide this, especially if there were other pressures he had to deal with.
sounds like some sound advice there, make sure to keep talking to him and perhaps maybe invite him to EC
Yeah... tell him about EC! Also direct him to resources like PFLAG or another LGBT support group in his area. They have resources and even counselors who can help him through this. Then just be there for him... just like so many people on EC are here for each other.
You're giving great advice. My only suggestion - and it's a rather farfetched one, but better safe than sorry - is that you not get involved with this guy. I realize you're XBox friends, and thus probably not in close proximity, but stranger things have happened. It's not uncommon for guys in the closet to start getting feelings for the first person they manage to come out to, so be a bit on your guard for that. Other than that, keep it up. And yes - invite him here. (At which point I'll delete this post. ) Lex
Yeah, I'm on guard for that because the whole conversation started when he told me he had been fantasizing about me (despite barely knowing me and not even knowing what I look like). I'm aware that he fantasizes about the idea of me, a fairly masculine guy (although I do so love my scented candles and expensive shampoos and conditioners) who plays video games that is open and comfortable with his sexuality, rather than fantasizing about being with me, and that's okay, it's one of those things that will pass when he accepts and becomes comfortable with who he is. The advantage is he lives two states away so I don't think it'll go beyond that (hopefully). And yeah I meant to mention EC to him, and next time I talk to him I'll bring it up (although if that happens I'll probably ask that this thread be deleted).
If It helps, I just finished watching Todd's Coming Out story on the brittish show Coronation Street, I loved it and I found it really inspiring. It's about a guy who has a girlfriend and plans to marry her among other things that happens, he realizes that he's gay. I dont wanna give anything away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34WLWpYH_fg it starts there, but it's like 54 parts long (each part is like 10 minutes) so it will take some time to get through...
I'll put in another plug for my favorite book, "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. It's a horribly misnamed book that is one of the best books I've ever read on understanding yourself as a gay man, the baggage and issues that most gay men experience, and (applicable to this situation) a couple of chapters dedicated to the issue of gay men that get heterosexually married, and the special issues they have to deal with when they come out. I agree with everything you've said and I think Lex raises some important issues too. See if you can encourage your friend to show up here at ec! There are several people in a similar circumstance to his and it could be a great community for him.
