Feel like I won't ever be able to come out to parents

I'm still trying to find a good time to do it. My relationship with my dad is OK, but my relationship with my mom is shitty. I'm never able to talk to her, because she's always drunk or in jail. That being said, both of my parents say they're OK with gay people. I'm still very insecure and depressed, though. I know that my self-esteem is one of the biggest things holding me back. I won't get beaten or kicked out, but I still fell somewhat guilty for not being able to be the perfect child that my parents would dream about when they were still together. I just want to get it over with, and I'm trying to build up the courage to come out, but it's hard. I'm only fourteen and I've already been in the closet for 16 months. It's hard. I want out, and I want out now.

 

Hey TC, I would very much like to respond to this, and so I shall.

First, I’m sorry you feel so disconnected from your parents. Has it always been that way, or is it something that came about recently? Have you tried to reach out to them, or are you maybe pushing them away because you don’t think they’ll accept you? That happens. Especially if you haven’t accepted yourself first.

Like you, I failed out of the first college I attended. Mostly because I was going for a major my parents wanted me to pursue. I also failed out of the second college I went to, because of my being in the closet/surrounding myself with homophobic ‘friends.’ Severe depression. It really, really sucks. And God, both times I felt like a Major Failure. And I was sure that was the way my parents saw it too. Turns out though, they were just worried and wanted me to succeed. Communication channels open, they encouraged me to go back to school for what I wanted: Psychology/Criminal Justice. (This, despite the fact that they really don’t think I’m cut out for it. I will prove them wrong though.) Nevertheless, pursue the career YOU want, after all, they aren’t the ones who have to live with it. Anyway, don’t feel like a fuck up, okay?

I too understand about losing your family by coming out. My parents weren’t…thrilled. In fact they are in permanent denial. And they do say hurtful things sometimes. However, we still have a relationship and I know that they still love me. How did I tell them? Over dinner, a simple question: How would you feel if I said I was gay? (Crazy I know. But I was just sick of that stupid closet!)

Every person’s scenario is different, but I know you will be okay. Easier said than done I know, but try to make some friends and destroy that loneliness. Just try to build up some inner strength and courage until the time is right for you to show the world how amazing you are. (*hug*)

 

Okay, sleep is good, but I just want to say the utterly cliché (but still nice to hear): You’re not alone. I swear it.

I’ve been where you are. I myself tried to overdose. Those horrid thoughts that come when you feel so alone, so confused, so trapped. You wonder why no one around you sees that you are suffering. You yell and scream and try to block them out, all the while keeping that fake smile on your face. …I know it. Very well. And so do many others. Even not acting on them, those thoughts are hard to combat alone. Cry, feel like shit tonight. That’s fine and nothing to be ashamed of. But tomorrow, wake up to a new day. Sooner then you know, you’ll be a great police officer, saving lives, catching criminals, maybe even receiving honors. You’ll be awesome. And you’ll be proud of who you are and the decisions you’ve made. I know it. Good night my friend. (*hug*)

 

Okay, I intended a shorter post, but it came out longer than I thought it would be.

I do think I can relate to what you're feeling right now. While I always got along quite well with my parents, I was never really open with them. We usually talked about day-to-day things, politics, history, what's on TV etc.. but feelings never got mentioned, let alone relatioships. Mentioning being gay would have been totally out of the question. there was a strong vibe of: "we know you'll do the right thing in life", and being gay made me feel like I would be doomed to be a total failure in their eyes.
To make things worse, my father died 6 years ago. After that, my mother really started hoping for grandchildren. I felt that if I would ever tell her that I was gay, I would crush her completely, and be forever the "failed son".
This lead to the situation where, at age 25, I was still as stuck in the closet as I was ten years earlier.

Then things changed. My brother told me one day that he had a girlfriend, and didn't know how to tell my mom (yes, a straight guy in need of coming out! :lol. I guess that created a feeling of openness, because I just decided to bite the bullet, and tell him that I was gay (basically, what I said was "I'm jealous. because having a girlfriend is a problem I'll never have". he got the message pretty easily). And, to my amazement, he was completely supportive. Apparently telling homophobic jokes or saying mean things about gay people weren't indicative of what he really felt. He's become one of my bigger supporters, even.

It still took a bit before I did bite the bullet and told my mom. And I did so only after ngsting about it a lot. Until, in the end, people started telling me that coming out could impossibly be worse than feeling so bad over not being able to come out. And, as per other poster's suggestions, I made a thread on here, and announced that I was going to do it the next day (to paint myself into the corner, so to speak). The next morning, I just Told my mom: "You know, you always talked about how it would be like if I brought home a girl. And I do plan to take home someone who'll make me happy. It just won't be a girl". My mom asked me a few questions. She told me she accepted it. And then we didn't talk about it ever again. I have a feeling she is a tad disappointed. But I feel so much happier having told her and not needing to lie anymore. Not having that big secret hovering over my head made me happier and opener than I ever was.

I guess that that's the best advice I can give you: Don't allow yourself to feel like a failure. When you talk about what you're doing, speak with pride about how you're looking forward to being a police officer and helping people. When they see that, they might start to see how this really is the right choice for you. When you come out, don't do it in an apologising way, but just state it as "I'm gay, and I'm going to be happy with a man". And if they see that you're confident and happy with the path you chose, and the life you'll have, they might come to grips with it.
Also, maybe you could come out to one of your siblings first? They might be useful allies, and if they're supportive, they have your back when you come out to parents.

Just never feel like there is no hope. What you write strikes me as if you know what you want in your life. Maybe you're slightly stuck now, but I'm sure that things will turn out OK! (*hug*)

 

I think I can relate. I never talk to my parents about anything personal, ever. My mother and father are anything but accepting, even considering the lifestyle they live. Unlike you, I was kind of outed, and am now dealing with the aftermath. I'm not sad it happened, and I think even at times when I come home and my mother is yelling at me and accusing me of sleeping around with every tom, dick, and harry, I would rather be able to defend myself to her face. It's not fair that we have to hide in fear of the ones we love not accepting us, but then we have to think; are they really that caring in the first place if they can't? I love my mother, this is true, but she's not hip to the fact that I'm not solely interested in women. The way I've been able to see it is that, hey, I'm your child, and you can take it or leave it. I think the preconception that a lot of people in general have is that everything about someone else changes when they come out. When we have conversations with our loved ones, it's important for us to help them understand that we are the same people. Now, whether they choose to change their vernacular is on them, and you should make sure that you make them understand that using words like "fag" and things as such makes you uncomfortable. In the end, you have to remember that they can't control who you are. YOU do that. If they disagree, then they disagree, but you have to go on living. I know that I'm heading to UCLA, and I know that there are going to be more people in my life that I will make my family with, and that my parents, while irreplaceable, are not the only sources of love, affection, and support that are open to you or I.

I hope you find some answers man!

 

Hey TC, I know what you mean.
I'm quite a few years older than you and but still, the fear of my parents judgement is paralyzing. Having read a few of the replies, I think making allies in siblings sounds like a good plan, together with writing it all down. I might try to come up with the courage to use those tactics ;-)

Good luck finding your way ...

 

Well, you don't need to be jealous! The reason we tell these stories isn't to rub it in your face, but rather to demonstrate that we've been there, and yet managed to overcome it. The day before I came out to my brother, I was convinced that it would never happen, and yet it did. And it will happen for you too!

Now, coming out to your brother seems like a good plan. As you say, you're good friends. He makes jokes about it. He quizzes you about it. In my experience, people only start to quiz other people once they already have an idea. Odds are he's doing this because he feels you're struggling and to let you know he'd be OK with it. He might be the ideal one to have your back while planning to come out to other siblings and your parents.

As for how to do it: writing a letter sounds like a good idea. Even if you never use it in your actual coming-out, writing one is a good way of ordering your thoughts, and really thinking about what it is you want to tell them. If you want you could even put it up on here and see what input you get from other posters. Then you can give it to them to read on their own, or read it to them, or just keep it in your back pocket to fall back on if you decide to come out in another way.

Now, telling your brother when both (or one) of you is drunk might not be ideal. Waiting for the ideal timing is something that rarely works. As awkward as it might seem, just saying that you wish to discuss something serious and then coming out might be the best option.

 

I can relate to not having an open relationship with parents as well. My mom and I don't get along well and my father's never been around. Over the past few weeks I've been seriously thinking of finally coming out but with no clue how to do so. I have one older brother I'm somewhat close to but he's homophobic and a younger brother that's completely naive to the subject. Luckily my older brother and I have a relationship to where I'm pretty sure that if it got as far as everyone started ganging up on me about being gay, even if he doesn't agree with it, he'd be there to support me.
The letter helps out a lot too. I've learned from experience that having at least some part of a discussion planned out beforehand makes it a lot easier when the time arrives to get most/all of your thoughts out in the open. You also might want to prepare yourself for a few common questions that might be asked as someone said earlier.

 

The reason why you pick #2 is because you can get away with it. No one knows that you're planning to come out, so nothing happens if you don't go through with it.

Now, the trick is to use people who you are comfortable with to create a situation where you can't get away with it.

Two options that worked for me, and you can use both at the same time:
1) You're out to some friends, and comfortable talking to them about being gay. So bring this up with them, and tell them that you're planning on coming out to your brother before date X. When other people know, social pressure starts building. Even if they're not the judging type, when date X comes along, they will ask how it went. Knowing that might be a push in the back.

2) Announce it here. Put up a letter. Make a thread in coming out stories saying "guys, I'm going to come out, and I'm going to do it tomorrow! expect an update!". That's what I did when making a thread about coming out to my mother. It helps in making your plans a bit more concrete if you announce them to other people who will ask for an update.

I won't lie, at the moment itself, you'll still be getting cold feet. But it helps knowing that there are people who know what you're planning to do, and hoping it goes well.

 

That dosent sound very nice...we are people too...not a category..:dry: