Hey guys I just joined EC today because I'm in a bit of a problem I reckon i'm just going to pour out into this thread, so my story might be longish. I'm going to start at the very beginning, just so I can be clear on everything Here goes; I'm 18 and closetted. I've always known I've been attracted to the same-sex, but I've tried to convince myself that it was either a stage or that I was bi-sexual. This is because I've always wanted to have that standard life of having a wife and kids. Having kids is important to me, and being gay and having kids has been (up to this point) mutually exclusive for me. My teen years have been the standard heterosexual guys. I've had sex with girls, but it isn't all that fulfilling. This year I started university. I was continuing my path of being closetted, met a girl and now we're in a relationship (official from 2 weeks ago). She is in her final year of highschool with a fair amount of study, so it took a little while to go official. But I was determined to further cover up my homosexuality so I remained committed. She was a bit uneasy at first, as she didn't want to be distracted from her studies, but she became so obsessed with me that she couldn't resist. But she has often said that she doesn't want me to f*ck her up and leave her traumatised with exams coming up etc. (not that up-front, but that's the jist of it). I think that it's at the point where she loves me so much that if i left her, that would f*ck her up too much. So anyway, all was well until a few days ago when I just realised that I needed to come out at some stage in the near future, and that I really wanted to get involved with another man. I think I realised this because, whenever i do something with my girlfriend, she is always really really into it, where as I really have no feelings for her at all and just think "ohh when will this end". So yeah, I decided at that point that i WAS going to come out at some point this year, but also planned to "explore" with a man beforehand so then I would perhaps have support and an immediate reason as to why it was "worth it". The next day however, I was with my mates at uni and one of them brought along a friend from work (in this story called Mike). I got this vibe (that my mates didn't pick up) that he was gay, and in my fantasy mind, I thought that perhaps I could explore with him (he's good looking and really nice - his looks are pretty much what I want in a guy). This was just a fantasy however, as I thought there was about an 80% chance he was straight. HOWEVER, when he left to go to a class, my other friend told us all that he is gay (keep in mind, this is a big thing for my friends NOT because anybody is homophobic, but because for some reason, nobody we know has really come out). So anyway, I gave Mike a lift home (which I offered before i knew he was gay) added him on facebook and i've been trying to befriend him. I really like him, and I would really really like to try and start something with him. So yeah, this is pretty much the story. MY PROBLEMS however are: 1) I have a girlfriend - we've only been dating properly for a couple of weeks, and i was so determined to get a gf to cover up my homosexuality that I've been patient with her, and I've said so many things that look REALLY meaningful, however they have no meaning behind them. As such, she is really attached to me. I don't think I can end it (without a powerful excuse) for a while yet. 2) Mike thinks i'm straight. The relationship status between me and my gf is on facebook (I was SOO tempted to hide this when i added mike haha). So to him, I guess it just looks like i'm being friendly. 3) exams are in 2 weeks, followed by 6 weeks break - during which time i probably wouldn't see mike. Okay so, my plan at this stage is that: I be really nice to mike and become a friend. Then in a few weeks (which is interrupted by holidays) when we are good friends, I come out to him and only him at this stage. This would show my interest, and interest him. I need to end it with my gf (also because it's really not fair leading her on). however I don't know how. I think i might pull the "i have some f*cked up issues that I can't tell you, and I really like you, but I need to sort this sh*t out first." however this may keep her interested, where as I'd like to get her to stop being interested in me, WITHOUT hurting her. I don't want to tell her that I'm gay, because her friends are friends with my friends, and i'm not ready to totally come out at this stage. I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm really happy with my progress so far though. In the past few days i've come to grips with the fact that I am totally gay, and know that I have to come out. OBVIOUSLY this all relies on mike being interested in me haha, but I'm planning as if he would be. If not, at least I'll be set to find somebody else. So does anybody have any words of wisdom? THANKYOU so much if you have read this all. I know it's long, but it really spells out my situation. Also, I apologise in advance for terrible english. I've been writing in a stream of consciousness, not trying to structure it or anything. I think I just needed to write this out, and this has helped me come to grips with the fact that i am gay and also just to set out my thoughts.
First of all, hi, and welcome to EC! I hope you'll enjoy your time here, and find out more about yourself in the process! Also, congratulations on coming to grips with the idea that you don't necessarliy need to have the "traditional" white picket fence, wife-and-kids life to be happy. coming out to yourself, and starting to plan living a life out of the closet is a big step! I do think that the core of your plan is sound: get to know someone who is gay, and break up with your girlfriend. However, I do have one or two remarks: First of all, you need to break up with your girlfriend regardless of whether Mike is interested. Even if he isn't interested, what are you going to do? Keep her as a safe backup to run back to? Even if you know you'll come out at some time or another in the future? That way ou're leading her on, which isn't isn't fair on her, or on yourself for that matter. Saying "I have some stuff I need to deal with first" might indeed give the impression that there's a chance to sort out things and then get back together. Maybe you could be honest in a different way, without mentioning you're gay. Say something like: "I really do like you as a friend, and I tried to like you as a girlfriend, but I'm going to be honest with you: this just isn't going to work out. I just don't really have a feeling of being in love. I don't think that I will develop such feelings in the future. And I would feel horrible for leading you on, because I know that I don't love you back the way you love me." Which is less ambiguous than alluding to "stuff I need to deal with", and might get the message across better. Also, getting to know someone who is gay can be a good help in getting more at ease with your own sexuality. But it's dangerous going in with a hidden agenda. For starters, you don't really know a lot about Mike except that he's gay. You met precisely once so far. Apart from being both gay, what do you really know about him? It's a common pitfall. Lots of gay guys attach to the first gay guy they meet, because it feels almost like a safety raft, or an oasis in the middle of a desert of straight guys. But often, the first isn't necessarily the best option. Getting together with anyone just because they seem to be your only option usually does lead to disappointment. Just try to be a friend, and take your time to get to know him better first. Regardless of whether he's interested, if you befriend him, and have a feeling that he's trustworthy, you could consider coming out to him. Not in a sense of "So, we're both gay, let's start something!", but just to be able to talk openly about it as friends. He might have useful insight, or know GLBT clubs or have other gay friends. In fact, you might want to find out whether your university has a GLBT club or something similar. Going to a meeting and meeting more gay people could be a great help in discovering where you stand, and in making more gay friends. I hope my two cents help a bit...
Wow that's actually really really helpful. and very true. Aight, so in response to your response... - yeah I'm goign to break up with her regardless. i meant to include that in my long rant. But yeah, I agree with you there. - That little sample of what i could say is very good. I'm definitely goign to use it. obviously i'll tweak it a bit, but that's definitely a much better way or ending it and ensuring that she doesn't remain.. hopeful. - And yeah I think that's pretty much what i'm doing. I've met gay people before, but none that have been prospective partners. I kind of realised this after i dropped him home. I thought to myself "stop being to irrational you've barely met him". It's just my hopeful thinking, because i'm actually really excited to come out. I'm definitely ready But yeah that was pretty much my plan. To befriend him first and then (if all goes well) come out to him in a little while. He should understand etc and be able to provide support. Thank you so much filip you really do make a difference. I can't describe how much this whole process of just writing down my thoughts and getting your opinion has helped me.
I recommend waiting until after your girlfriend has finished her finals, but yeah, as long as it happens at some point soon.
