It's been seven months since my boyfriend dumped me, and I'm beginning to worry that I'll never get over him. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I'm so angry at him and I hate him so much that it's practically the same thing. And I'm not sure I can handle the strain of it much longer. The pain just doesn't end. I don't want to spend the next sixty-seventy years of my life constantly in this state, but I really have no hope that I won't. I haven't been able to move on. Haven't encountered anyone I even feel the same degree of lust for, let alone any sort of emotional connection. I'm paranoid about encountering him, I quadruple-check any event I'm invited to to make sure he won't be there, no idea what I'll do when we inevitably meet (we're both members of what is, as far as I know, the only gay outreach group in town that isn't affiliated with a high school). And it's beginning to affect me in other ways, too. I can't listen to people talking about having sex or having a boy/girlfriend, including news stories discussing sexual behavior. It just makes me bitter and resentful, and then I feel guilty for being mad at someone else for being happy. I don't want to become someone who can't stand the thought that others are enjoying themselves while I've become too twisted to be able to have fun. I'm out of hope, between counselors till I get assigned a new one, and crisis hotlines can only do so much. I just don't know what to do. I'm worried I'll end up hurting myself or worse, not because the pain's too intense to bear, but because it won't. go. away.
It will, in time. I know it's hard to believe me, but it will pass. And you're taking some of the right steps to expedite it; counseling, hotlines, and even posting about it here. Some relationships take longer to "get over" than others. When you finally meet somebody else, though, it will all wash away. Moreover, even just hanging out with friends and doing other activities you enjoy will help to keep your mind occupied. Also, try not to let that paranoia get the best of you.
Hi there! First off: (*hug*) Second, take a deep breath, several times if you have to. There will a time come when you will have moved on. In some ways, not being in love with him anymore, is already the first step in moving on. Perhaps the next step would be for you to figure out as to why you are angry at him and hate him so much. Even though you might have some of the answers already but if you continue to feel that way and it becomes worse, ask yourself again "why am I so angry at him?" Maybe there are some other things within you that you haven't dealt with. In order to move on and being able to turn the page, you don't have to find another date or have to have a lust for someone or being paranoid about forming an emotional connection with someone. All of that can make it even more difficult because all of that reminds you of what happened. Perhaps try a different approach. Maybe try to get to know new people by joining an activity in the community centre, or become physically active - take longer walks, go for a jog/run, or try joining the gym. Another thing you could do is reconnecting with a hobby that allows your mind to switch off and to concentrate on something else. Another thing you could do is volunteering, which actually could help you accomplishing several things at the same time - meeting new people, getting to know new people and also allowing yourself to concentrate on something else. Even if it is just a couple of hours a week, it will still allow you to start concentrating more on that. As you do that more often and start looking forward to it, you will start feeling a change in how you think about it. There will a time come where you won't think about it at all anymore. When you hang out with friends and they start talking about their relationships, it is perfectly alright to ask them if they could talk about something else. It is perfectly alright to admit that you are still trying to move on and it would help you if you would not be part of that discussion. The same goes when you watch TV. Just change the channel. Do that, until you know that you have moved on. There is a positive thing (for moving on) that you have mentioned. Checking to make sure that you won't be running into him, is actually good. You allow yourself to create physical distance between the two of you, which is important. But also try to remember that when you do go to events, have fun. Before you go to an event or meet up with friends, tell yourself "tonight I'm going to go out, to have fun, nothing more, nothing less." Yes, it will take a while before you will start really enjoying yourself but the more you do that, the sooner you will start enjoying yourself and not worrying about having become (to use your words) "too twisted." Moving on is hard. I have been there and yes, it is not pretty but what I have learned from it is that if I try and really am persistent in trying to change things, it will eventually get better. You are already doing things that can help you, like seeing a counselor, and talking to a crisis hotline if you have to. Keep doing that. (*hug*)
I hope you guys are right, but I'm pretty much out of being able to believe it. It's already been month after month, I don't want it to become year after year. Don't want to die, but I also don't want to have to spend years and years (or even more than a few more months) like this. We were together for less than a month, it shouldn't take this fucking long to move on.
Hi Liam! In time you will be able to move on. Try to do things that will keep you distracted. Try to do things that might be new for you or to you. Often times when we do or embark on new things, a sense of excitement takes over, which allows us to shift gears a bit. Moving on is never easy and regardless of how long a relationship has lasted. But the good news is that with time you will be able to move on and leave it behind you. (*hug*)
Heres an idea, right out a letter, as if it were to him. And tell him why you're mad. It can help you get it off your chest. You've probably got all this bottled up anger that just needs to be released, not pushed aside. Also, listening to a bunch of angry break up music (kelly clarkson is the queen of breakup songs) blasting out of my car also helps me. not to mention, it's just plain fun. I always imagine I'm singing it right to them haha.
Hi Liam, Eventually you will get over him. It just takes time. You should definitely hang out with your friends and do fun things. Try meet new people. Maybe even find something to get out your angry feelings. (somekind of sport?) I used to take boxing lessons. It made me feel good plus it was good for my self esteem.
No easy answer for this, and I will preface my remarks by saying that all this is easier said than done. Rest assured everyone on this board has gone through this at one point in their life. I'm at the tail end of my healing process...but it still does sting at times...and you will find that over time these wounds will heal. Time will eventually make these wounds more tolerable, then they will heal completely. But at the same time, as with any scars, it will still be tender at times. The problem that all people face in this situation, including myself, is that you constantly compare other people with the person that broke your heart. It's not a good thing to do, because as long as you do you can never move on. But that is human nature I suppose. It's a hellish process to go through...and there are no words that anyone can say really that will magically make those emotions go away. The hardest part of finally letting someone go is letting go of the anger, and each person has their own way and time frame for doing that. Ask yourself this: While you sit and pine over this guy, while you sit miserable and feel isolated and alone, what is this guy doing? He's going on and living his life...you need to do the same, even as difficult as it may seem sometime. That's what I did. While I was destroying myself by drinking and becoming a hermit I finally said "F***k this...this bastard is out having the time of his life while I have had a weeks long pity party. Screw this" The advice given by many above is certainly correct. It has been 7 months for you...it's time. Time to get out. Time to be around all the people you can. Time to meet new people and hang around old friends. You don't want to turn into the bitter guy that does nothing but sit and talk about the one that got away...because trust me, there are other ones out there to get. It's been 4 months for me, and I'm just now beginning to return to normal. For me, being around people, doing new things and meeting new people helped my healing process. The more stuff you do means the less time you will sit around and sulk about this guy.
