Once Upon a Time I Did Believe, but Now I Find I was Decieved.

I don't really know where to start on this one. I dated a guy for 11 months. He ripped my heart out after healing it perfectly. I loved him. Everything you see in movies...everything you hear in songs. Its always about sex, or cheating, or breaking up. Thats all I hear anyway. It seems to me that there is no real love in the world anymore. Seems like there hasn't been for a while. All I ever wanted in life was for one person who could love me for me like I want to love them. All I ever got was more and more pain. It keeps piling up and I can't take any more. I don't know whats wrong with me, but I'll get to that later. My best friend (who is a girl) is apparently in love with me. She has always been there for me, and done everything she could for me. She understands that I will never feel that way about her. I just...don't love her. I'm gay. All I know is that I came close to being in love with a guy 6 years ago and really was in love with a guy for 11 months. I don't care about sex or whatever. Yes, that is something that comes with relationships but its not what relationships are MADE OF. To me a relationship is making memories and having fun together until you grow old so you can spend time REMEMBERING all the fun things you did when you were younger. He was just right for me and I loved his personality, mind, all his habits, the way he talked, the things he did and everything. He was just right except for one little detail: he liked to play around with other people while he was with me. He's always told me he loves to flirt and he's repeatedly asked me if I want him to "give up on girls". He always told me he'd been hurt really bad by someone a while ago. All I wanted was to be there for him and help. Do whatever I could to make sure his life was a good, happy one. I always thought he'd be here for me. Now I can't even talk to him or anyone else about what I now know for sure about my best friend. I can't talk to him anyway because hes grounded. I'm now friends with a girl he tried to get with. She told me what he said to her the week he told her and her sister that me and him "broke up" without telling me. Its funny. I talked to him on the phone and he acted like nothing happened. He wants to stay with me. I don't know why. I've confronted him about these things many times. He always makes excuses. He told his friend that he wanted to "get back with me" now. He's already with me. Why does he do this? I can't take it any more. It has to end. I believe in LOVE. If I'm in a relationship, its got to be about the other person and how they feel and what they need. He only ever lied to me. He didnt' care about what I felt or needed. Funny that he JUST agreed to "prove his love to me". He tried to get with the other girl about 3 weeks ago. She hasn't talked to him since. 2 weeks ago I had a deep conversation with him. I even saw him in person a few times. He cried when he first saw me but those could have been fake tears. If he "loves" me why can't he give up on everyone else? Why does he have to lie to me? He told me he would prove his love. And all I find out is that the week before, he was still playing around with other people. Idk if I should take what he said seriously. I've taken it seriously every other time and been hurt repeatedly. I guess I should just do what everything seems to be telling me to do: give up on the hope that there is any love like that in the world. People don't care about real love anymore. They just run on desire. If there was one person in the world that loved with their HEART...and really could love me...I might be able to give love another chance. But I don't think I'll be trusting anyone for a long time after this...idk what to do anymore. I just know that I have to get him out of my life before he does MORE damage. Theres also the issue with my best friend. Me hurting all the time is constantly hurting her. There are a lot of people who hurt just because I do. I don't know why. Every girl I meet seems to "fall in love with me". Idk why that is either. If there was a guy who could actually love me...but idk...I guess I don't deserve it...sorry...idk...any advice or suggestions? I don't want to hurt anybody...I just want to live...I guess the questions it narrows down to are: What should I do about my boyfriend? Am I making the right decision by letting him go? What should I do about hurting my best friend? Sometimes the way she feels about me makes me mad. Idk why. I know its irrational, but sometimes just thinking about it makes me mad. Getting mad about it makes me feel like a horrible person. Even worse that if I told her it made me mad she'd understand completely. If my boyfriend could just be who he pretended to be for 11 months...but I've lost all hope of that...idk...what do you guys think?

 

Thank you, sorry if I wasn't clear. I just thought I was writing too much as it was. And he has done things many times that have proven to me that he is unfaithful to me. He has also done things to prove that he loves me without me even having to ask for it. His friends say that they believe he loves me. He was cheating on me with a girl on myspace for 3 months. And he has always been known to flirt in his other relationships. He wasn't just flirting though. I wouldn't have believed what his friend was telling me if I didn't know him and didn't have it proven to me before. I've just given him a lot of chances. I have talked to him. Many times. I asked him if he truly cared about me and he said he did. My best friend says she thinks "He doesn't love anybody. He just plays with people." and his friend says "He doesn't know how to love one person at a time." but thats what I need. Its who I am. I can't do more than one person at a time. I can't. He knows that.

 

Hey thanks, I'm sorry for writing so much...I've pretty much decided that its definately over. I have to wait until saturday to tell him though. :|