I so want to just be able to say "I am gay", but every time I approach my mum and dad ready to say it, I just back down. Right first things first, I am 25. I have known I have been "different"(whatever that is?) since roughly about 15?. Like most I struggled to accept why I was not like the other boys when it came to girls. I guessed it most be a phase, after all I liked football, sports and just generally hanging around with my male friends as every guy does therefore I can't be gay can I? Time went on and yeah naturally as happens to teenagers there's a pressure to get into relationship's with the opposite sex. The fact is I had no interest what so ever so a font went up and I hid my feelings. This pretty much went on for the rest of my teenage years and early 20's, The front was as big as ever. I looked at other guy's in a way i did not look at women. I kissed girls but that was it, could not bring myself to go further, as it meant nothing. Then I kissed a boy and yeah I liked it, in fact more than liked it!:icon_bigg Was i gay? the answer after a few more years of self denial was yes. OK reading that very shortened version of my life you would think it was pretty obvious that I was gay, but i don't know why i could not realise it sooner or accept it sooner. Perhaps I was ignorant, in denial or just stupid? but anyway what ever a year ago I accepted that I am gay and very happy with it and six months ago I decided its time to kick down that closet door and tell people my sexuality. That brings me to today, My mum and dad have both done so much for me and they need to be the first to know. I could not bear them to find out from anyone else. The trouble is I lose my voice every time I want to tell them. I feel such a coward and I am desperate to be out and be me. Would writing a letter, nothing special just short and simple be an answer? Perhaps just leave it for them in the mourning before i go to work (start work earlier than them) and give them times to come to terms with it before returning home at the end of the day and hopefully be able to talk about it? Its not an ideal way but I am becoming increasingly stuck in trying to use the traditional face to face method. Thanks for reading and any help appreciated.:help::icon_sad:
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! You have come to the right place. Congratulations on accepting yourself, and on your journey thus far. Getting to the stage where you are today has undoubtedly taken lots of courage and effort on your part. That's something to be proud of. I think you are being a bit too hard on yourself. Coming out to parents is perhaps one of the hardest things we can do during our coming out process. Never feel like a coward for not being able to say something or going through with it. There is absolutely no reason to feel this way. Coming out to your parents is hard, because a part of you perhaps worries about that your parents won't accept you and/or you feel that you will let them down. But the truth is that by coming out to them, you are not letting them down, because you are sharing something about you with them and give them the chance to get to know another part of you. Yes, parents have their own dreams for their children, and they might be morning the loss of their dreams and ideas of what things are going to be like. But remember, these are their dreams, and new dreams (with time) are created and replace the old ones as you allow them to be part of your life, show them that you are still the same person and in a happier place than you were before. If you are not sure as to how your parents might react or take the news, a letter is a good approach. Writing a letter will help you in formulating your thoughts in the way you want them to and you also give your parents the chance to reflect on it. When I came out to my parents, I decided to go the letter route because I wasn't sure how my parents are going to react. In the letter I highlighted everything I wanted my parents to know. Although I ended up reading the letter to them ( ) it still allowed me to get everything out, I wanted and felt I needed to say. If you are writing a coming out letter, it doesn't matter how long it is in the end. The important thing is that you know that you have mentioned everything you feel to be important for them to know. If you want, maybe start by having a browse through the Coming Out Letters in the Resource Section. You are more than welcome to use one of several of them as a template. If you want, you are more than welcome to post your letter on the forum beforehand for feedback and suggestions. Also, if you are not sure as to how your parents will react or how they will take the news, you could include some PFLAG pamphlets for your parents such as "Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People." There is also a good book for parents entitled "Now that You Know." Once you have written it, maybe think about a good time to leave it for your parents to read it. Let your parents know that you are ready to talk about any questions that they might have. Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
if you really want them to know that you are gay and cant quite pluck up the courage to tell them then yeah go for a letter. i dont blame you. i would consider that myself but im not very good with letters so when i decide to let my family know it will have to be face to face. i think thats more so i can judge the reaction and if i actually wanna still be around them after it. good luck with whatever you chose as it will be hard no matter what. just remember there is no real need to push yorself until you feel most at ease!!
Thanks for the replies, Had a quick look at some of the letter's in the link that was posted. Some relay powerful stuff, has given me a few idea's. I don't think they would exactly disown me or anything (although you can never tell) It's relay the whole letting them down part that gets to me even although i now know there's nothing i can do to change things. Anyway back to the endless debate in my head, Should I, shouldn't I, how?, when?.........
I feel the same way as you - not sure how they'll react and when it comes down to it...I freeze. I need to tell my parents as well still and have no clue how I'll do it. But I'd guess it will be with a letter...that way I can write down EVERYTHING i want to say and it wont get lost if I forget or get a tight stomach. I will probably go read those letters later for ideas...but I dunno it seems very hard to read it to them. Leaving a letter could be good or bad based on how they react. If they go on a frantic rush to try to find you and they can't - that could be bad, but if it allows them to soak it up and calm down - that's good.
Hi there! You can include your worries about how they might react and your feelings that your are letting them down in your letter. The more open you are about your worries and feelings the better they will understand that this is a hard process for you to go through and that you are coming out to them not to hurt or disappoint them. While you are writing the letter, try to take note of your instincts and feelings. Once you have written the letter, and you feel good about it, I'd say give it a try to leave the letter for them. If on the other hand you feel it might not be a good idea, put it away and give yourself the time you need to feel ready for coming out to your parents. While writing the letter, you could also decide that it would be best to talk to them in person. Having written everything out you want them to know, helps you in organizing your thoughts, and that in turn could allow you to be able to come out in person. In terms of when, there is never a perfect time but maybe leave the letter or talk to them on a day when they have a bit of time to sit down and read it. Hope this helps a bit.
I have the same problem. For a while I struggled with it and even wrote a few letters that never made it to my parents. I still havent told them, but let me tell you, I dont think I would tell them through a note now. I'm waiting to have the confidence to do it in person. I'v found that my wanting to write a letter to my parents to maybe mean that I'm just not ready yet. In the past few months I'v grown to accept myself and I no longer get freaked out by the idea of confronting my parents in person and tell them. I'm not quite there yet, but when i'm in the room with my parents, I come close to just saying "I'm gay," and that's something I wouldnt have ever imagined being comfortable with in the beginning of the year. I find that it's a lot easier to be comfortable with yourself when you have a sturdy net of support to fall back on. I'v been telling friends and now most people know, and the more people who know, the more comfortable I get with myself, and the closer I'll be to telling my parents. Maybe you're just not really ready yet to tell them...
Mirko: Thanks again, some great suggestion's. I will certainly try to write a letter to see if it makes things clearer. Whither i go with that option in the end I don't know but at least I may as well give it ago. May prove useful in thinking things through and it is getting more appealing. Taylor: Yeah hear what your saying, as i say, not sure what route to go down yet. Can equally relate to coming very close to just saying the magic words. There's just always that half second where I back down. One day! titaniumCloset: It's not easy is it? I think as hard as it is it's down to each individual person to use there best judgement as how there family/freind etc. will react. Best of luck in trying to figure things out.
First of all, welcome to EC! Second of all: congrats on deciding to take the step to come out to your parents. I came from a pretty similar place (long denial, coming to terms with it when I was 24...) and I can definitely say that coming out was very liberating indeed after long years of being closeted. Now, I fully agree with the people above. Writing a letter really does help in ordering your thoughts. Even if you don't use it, you already mentally mapped out possible conversations in your mind while writing it, which makes a great deal of difference. And just having a letter with you can act as an aid to get your courage up. I never used my letter, but having it with me to fall back on did feel like a reassurance. And, as Taylor said, having even just a few people to fall back on really makes a difference. I came out to three close friends and my brother first, and knowing that they were totally accepting made me feel more assured that others would take it well too. Also, since they knew I was going to come out to my mom, they kept pushing me towards it. Which helped a lot as well. Some other ideas: Have you tried saying it out loud to ourself yet? It's already a big step to writing it down, but in my experience, standing in front of a mirror, and saying (not whispering or mouthing) "I am gay" is harder than it seems. In fact, I only tried it when another poster on here told me to try it, and was amazed at how much of a difference it made to have actually said it out loud. Like any speech, practice makes perfect, even if you might feel foolish saying "mom, dad, I'm gay" to a mirror when you're alone. Maybe you can tell them in another way that feels a bit more comfortable. Maybe "I'm gay" is just not the right way for you. What I told my mother when I came out, was: "Mom, I know you'd like me to come home someday with a girl that makes me really happy. you've said that a lot of times. I am going to come home with someone that makes me happy, except that it won't be a girl, but a boy" Which is quite a mouthful, but for me it went waty easier than telling "I'm gay" In any ase, don't get disapponted if you don't quite get there on a couple of tries. "near-coming-out-experiences" are something almost everyone goes through. Once you decided to do it, it will happen eventually!
Thanks for the reply, great to hear from someone else that was in a similar situation but got there in the end. Will take it on board, certainly the mirror idea. (what if the mirror rejects me? :icon_wink) It is rather strange for me because over the past few months i see everything in a slightly different light as things slot into place and i become more comfortable of myself. Meanwhile everything seams to go on in everyone else's life and they go about there life's as they always have done. And I wonder why can't people see what's happening! I Know it sounds strange but i do tend to think some strange things!
i know this is silly, but reading the thread title... I was just about to post my secret lost voice remedy. ;x but since i now realize that was a metaphor more or less. here's something that may just light a fire under you. their your parents. they love you. they may cry. but they love you. they may not understand. but they love you. you may be scared. but you love them. just do it!
