...that I'm gay. Well, lesbian, technically. The summer semester started this week, but up until then, I've had plenty of time on my own to really consider the possibility - since I hadn't seriously even thought it was possible until about a month ago. (I went to a gay club with some friends, and all I could think about was how weird it was that I really, really wanted to dance with one of the girls.) But since classes started again, I've been freaking out, because this changes everything - I'm realizing that I've had a crush on one of the girls I'm really good friends with for a while, and I was just so shut off from the possibility that now I'm freaking out just being around her. I'm not bothered by the fact that I like her; it's more like I'm freaked out at the idea that this is not all just some weird thing going on in my head...it's actually me, this is how I am. It's kind of mind-blowing, and not always in a good way - I'm paranoid, I feel like everyone knows. And worse, I feel like crap because I've been really supportive of friends who came out to me, so I shouldn't be freaking out. I can tell myself all the things I said to them - that it doesn't change who I am, that there's nothing wrong with it - but it doesn't help. I want to tell someone, not just so that I can hear that it's okay from someone else, but because as much as it scares me, it's right, it's me, and I think I've always known that (especially since I've had crushes on girls before, but at the time I just brushed it off as a phase). And that scares me too. It seems so...irreversible, like I've just gone over the edge of a hill and there's no stopping. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not something I ever expected to have to deal with, and I feel like I'm the only one who feels torn like this. Uh... :dry: I'm not, am I?
absolutely not. i'm pretty sure most gay people have gone through that initial shock of realizing it for themselves. and it's not so quick either. i started freaking out when i got turned on by a sex scene between 2 guys on some HBO show several years ago :eek: i'm pretty sure i was in a slight panic mode. but then i started to explore it (not by experimenting with guys, just basically letting my mind and thoughts do what they wanted, and keeping calm about it) like thinking about guys i knew, and thinking about whether i was attracted to them or not. eventually i was fine with myself, and therefore out to myself. then came the challenge of telling others, which gets easier the more you do it. but now i'm just open about it. so a good thing to do is talk to the people that came out to you. basically tell them what you typed here
You are definately not alone, especially here at EC, I think most of us have been there at some point.
Nope, you're not the only one. My sexuality was a subject I avoided for many years, despite all the obvious signs and crushes. In the beginning, the whole mixture of feelings is overwhelming, yes. Crushes are awesome, yet painful, and the paranoia is following you everywhere. The chance that people are actually suspecting is very slim, but I have to say that there ARE people who can read the hints very well. One of my friends realized I was gay 5 months before I came out to her. She has a better gaydar than me. :lol: Give it some time and test the ground before coming out. That's the only advice I can give.
Trust me, a TON of people here have been through/are going through exactly what you're describing, including me. So you've definitely come to the right place. :3 It's ridiculously overwhelming at first. When I first came out to myself, I wasn't sure how I felt. I mean, I knew it wasn't a big deal, and that there was nothing particularly wrong with it, but that didn't make it any less terrifying. Part of me wanted to scream it to the world, and part of me wanted to keep it a secret for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure whether to be paranoid or drop hints. Don't feel guilty because of what you're feeling--it's totally normal. The fact that you've been supportive of others doesn't mean you knew what it was like, and once you realize that you ARE actually going through it, it's a very different experience. xD So don't feel guilty. Everyone goes through that rollercoaster of emotions, and it doesn't make you a weaker person because it's hitting you so hard. All I can say is that it WILL get easier. It does become a lot less overwhelming, and eventually you might start to become happy with it. I have, anyway. :3 And come out at your own pace, not just because you feel obligated or something. Just do what YOU feel comfortable with. (*hug*)
