I'm kind of dating someone right now. Turns out we have some mutual friends. They are closer to him. He's totally out, it's all over his facebook, twitter, everything. I'm in the closet and just starting to figure things out. I'm not comfortable with people being up to date about my personal life or even my sexuality before -I- figure it all out. I really just want to experiment. It also seems that he's taking this relationship for a lot more than it is right now, which is a shame because a)I don't want to hurt him and b)I don't want him to bitch about me to his friends if (...) I call it off. Like I said, for me they're just acquaintances, for him they're actual friends. Still, word travels fast and he's quite the outrovert. I asked him not to tell anyone, but I suspect he told some people. He'd deny it I asked. I don't expect him to live secretly just because I'm in the closet, but we JUST started going out and I did ask him to keep it between us for now. I can't see this ending nicely...
It won't. One of two things is going to happen. 1. You end up "coming out" by being his boyfriend. 2. You break up with him, and he outs you. Those really are your only two options. You'll be more than welcome to deny everything he says once you break up, but it's simply going to add more drama to the friend dynamic of your group. Best bet - own it. You don't have to come out, necessarily, but you can say "I'm not sure where I am, really, but I like Bob, so I thought I'd give it a go." Lex
I wish there was a middle ground... where I could break up with him and he'd still respect my privacy. The thing is I think at least one of his friends already knows. Word can easily get out and reach my family, it's just crazy. He posted about me 3 times on his twitter, I can't imagine him keeping my name a secret if people ask. He's way too extroverted and popular for me right now, I should have known better. The last paragraph would've been more realistic if I wasn't 21, unfortunately. Seems there's no way out of it.
"Shut up, silly woman," said that reptile with a grin. "You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in." I'm afraid the bed is laid, and now it's time to lie in it. Your best bet might be to break up with him, and simply play the "lie and deny" game. But don't expect it to work all that well. Lex
I can't believe I didn't see it coming. I just called him and he didn't pick up, I'll get this over with in person by Wednesday. Gonna be pretty tough for both of us, I actually liked him. Still think/hope he won't necessarily out me, though I bet his close friends already know. Either way, lesson learned.
There is a middle ground; I took it. But it was a nasty one. It was "Be utterly heartbroken and miserable but feel unable to tell anyone anything about it because you'd feel like you were betraying his trust." That said, the fact that he isn't respecting your privacy means it isn't a good relationship for you. People need to be trustworthy, I'm sorry he wasn't. (*hug*)
I don't think the middle ground will work in this case. Your friend has probably already told someone, and that sort of news spreads like wildfire. It does totally suck when *you* lose control of something so personal, but the cat's out of the bag. Oh and... there's nothing remotely unreasonable about not knowing who you are at 21 and experimenting. I didn't know until my late 20s, and there are plenty of people here on EC who didn't accept it within themselves until much later. So no embarrassment there, except in your own perception. No one will judge you, particularly gay people. The good news is... you can take the opportunity, as scary as it is, to grab the bull by the horns and be done with it. You don't have to out yourself as gay, but you can describe yourself as bisexual or questioning if you want. But you might also take the opportunity to really look yourself in the mirror and think about it. Do you find girls attractive? When you masturbate, do you think about girls and guys, or just about guys? When you look at straight porn, is it the tits you're looking at on the girl, or are you spending most of your time eyeing the guy doing the fucking? If you look at those questions and find yourself saying that it's the guys you spend your time thinking about, watching, masturbating to... then it's pretty unlikely you're straight, and more likely that the problem is going through your own stages of loss at your "straight" self (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). If that's the case, then maybe you can just come to acceptance of yourself, and out yourself soon, and avoid all of the drama. If you really are still questioning, then it gets a little more complicated, but I think you've sort of lost the ability to argue you're completely straight, unless you say "oh i was just trying it and it didn't work", but I don't really hear you saying that, so it would be disingenuous to tell that to others. I hope this helps. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to PM me.
I'd say that if you're not comfortable with people knowing you're gay, then you probably shouldnt date an out gay guy, I'v heard it doesnt end well when things like this happen anyways. I'd save yourself the trouble by trying to get to the point where you're comfortable coming out, and then just let everything fall into place. If you can accept yourself now, things will be pretty easy for you probably
