Last night, I was words away from coming out. I was with a close friend, and we were laying in bed together talking, nothing intimate, just hanging out. I was telling her about life and difficulties I was facing, along with stress from everyday life, to career decisions, to family issues. Then we started talking about relationships. As she was talking, I decided I was going to tell her that I was gay. The more I thought about it and the closer I got, the sicker I became. I reached the point to where I was about to throw up. I was about to say, "I think I am different; I'm attracted to guys, and I think I'm gay." The moment of talking about relationships passed, and I felt relieved. Then it got to the subject of us. She had been attracted to me at a time, and I did not feel the same attraction. I made a BS excuse as to why, which everyone believed. I might have even convinced myself that I believed it was true. She talked about her own insecurities, and the moment came again. I wanted to tell her there was nothing wrong with her. She was perfect; it was me that was wrong and different. But I couldn't. I let the moment pass again, but the sick feelings stayed with me. Finally, she mentioned that I was different from other guys. I cared about her and other people's feelings. I wasn't a jerk and was great with girls. I would be a wonderful husband, boyfriend, and father. It was another opportunity to say, "I'm different because I'm gay." I didn't though. We went to sleep pretty soon after that. As I laid in bed, the sick feelings continued to be there, but I was relieved. Not that I came so close to coming out, but that I did not come out. It doesn't make any sense to me. I would be relieved of stress, but I think coming out will create countless more problems and stressful situations at a time in my life where I cannot hold one more without losing it. I think that was the relief I felt.
Hi, Your feelings are very normal, and the physical symptoms are also not uncommon. It's a big deal, and even though you probably know she'll be accepting, it's stilll scary because it's letting out a part of you that feels very vulnerable. There's no rush. Sounds like you're ready to do it, but you can do it when the time is right. Some people find it easier to do over IM or text, or by letter, some prefer to do it in person. I think any of those are fine. There will be moments where it will be stressful but you have to balance that with the stress of holding this secret in. I think you'll find, on consideration, that it's something you're ready to take on, and i can promise you that once you've taken the first step, it will be much easier to take the next one... and in time, all the stress and fear will be gone.
I know what you mean. When I first started coming out, each time I told someone, I felt pretty sick to my stomach, almost to the point of throwing up. I always thought it was similar to that feeling you get when you're driving and you see the cop lights come on in your rear view mirror, except a million times worse. It'll get better, I'm not fully out yet, but getting there and when I tell people, I don't get that sick feeling in my stomach anymore. It's gets better man, I promise. Stick with it, good luck.
Oh lord, how can I relate! I used to have the same feeling everytime I thought about telling someone. It just got worst after I admit it to myself. I wanted to tell someone, I wanted to tell my best friend but it took months to do it! Everytime I came close to it, I would run away from it, so frightned I was. When the moment presents itself, you'll know. You'll be ready one day.
I think everyone of us knows the feeling you're describing. Right at the moment I first came out, I honestly really felt ready to run to the bathroom. It felt like my body was trying to gag me before I blew the secret I spent the previous 25 years hiding. And in a way, that's what happens. You've trained yourself to instinctively stop before saying anything that could possibly blow your cover. After doing that for a long time, you've created a reflex. And going agaisnt your reflexes takes a lot of determnation. And then, of course, there's the fact that before you've done it yourself, you have to take a leap of faith. It's like climbing on top of the big springboard in the swimming pool and discovering it's a long way down. And all your classmates can tell you that it feels awesome, and that you'll love it, and that you'll end up doing it volountariy for fun, but at that moment, you're still faced with the fact that you'll have to take their word for it. I won't lie: being out comes with the occasional complication and it's not entirely stress-free. But to me, it compares in nothing to the stress of being on guard all the time. If thoughts about possibly coming out, and what would happen, and what if you did it this way or hat way etc. start dominating your mind during conversations like that, odds are it's getting time to take the leap of faith. Also, after you come out to one person, you don't need to feel pressured to come out to everyone else immediately. That one person you come out to first can be a valuable ally, and someone to confide in, while you work up the courage to come out to others. And it's allright to take some time before coming out to others. I first came out to one friend, then two more, and stalled there a bit. But the relief of having at least one person to talk to was enormous. and they had no problem keeping a secret until I was ready to move further. Do remember one thing: you mention wanting to tell her that you're wrong and different. However, there's nothing wrong with you! Those things she said about you were true! You'll make for an amazing boyfiend, husband or father. The only difference will be that it will be with another guy. Differnt from the norm, yes, but it isn't wrong. And even if you live in an area where it isn't accepted yet, the times are rapidly changing. Still, I think you did well. you came closer to coming out than you ever came before. Which is an indication that you'll get there eventually. (*hug*)
This sort of thing used to happen to me all the time. It still does from time to time, with my parents at least. I wouldn't worry about it or feel bad. I'v found that if I couldn't bring myself to come out to someone, it was simply because I wasn't ready to come out to them yet. The people I have come out to, I'v felt pretty confident that telling them would be the best option at the time. The opportunity will come again, so dont stress about it!
These feelings are perfectly normal. They are a physical indication of the inner tension you're feeling - the tug of war between the need to be honest and come clean, and the fear of the unknown, what happens after you say those words... Here's my two cents worth. Don't fight them, and don't fret it. Quite conveniently, these feelings will not go away - they will only get worse each time this happens, until one day the need to get this done will outweigh the fear of what happens. Then, very naturally, the words will finally flow and you will come out. So don't try and avoid these situations or try to hide or rationalize these feelings - let them bother you a little, because they will be the thing that finally pushes you over the edge and gets this done. And from there on, it only gets easier, until finally one day you are out to the world, and those feelings are just a distant memory... And for what it's worth, our fears are almost always worse than the reality that follows when we finally do it. Fear has a way of turning a molehill into a mountain. The demon can grow quite large when we feed it with our fears, but once it's over and done with the demon shrinks back to its original size and you'll see just how small it really was. Something to keep in mind...
It's worse when you're about to say it, going, "I'm... I'm..." and then you throw up on them, because then they just assume you were going to say "I'm sick," and leave it at that as they go change their shirt. But remember, convenience does not equal obligation. You don't have to do something just because you have the potential to do it. In other words, being in a conversation where coming out would "make sense" does not mean that you should come out. Come out whenever you want to, not when it seems like you should.
Take how sick you felt when you were hiding your feelings and now reverse that. That is how great it feels to come out. When I was coming out to my friend I was sweating, felt sick to my stomach and just felt awful. When I told him "I'm gay" - all of that went away and a feeling of relief, a calming feeling overwhelmed me. He didn't care at all and was 110% supportive. I think this friend sounds like a very good friend of yours so I can see how it could be scary to tell her, but girls are usually pretty receptive of it from what I've seen.
I recently had a similar situation to this one happen with my mom and me. I was finally at the point of finally letting it out then it got ruined due to not being able to catch her alone (she had a friend over and my little bro was there). It will get easier over time though like others have said. Once you tell one person it becomes more and more easy to tell others. Eventually you'll probably get to the point where you're open with it to everyone. It seems like the girl you're close with is a pretty good person to start off with since, in my opinion, it seems like she could possibly have a clue. I've had a girl say the same thing to me after I came out and told her because she'd said that I was different from other guys and finally got curious and asked a few people around school if they thought/knew anything and they told her. Not saying that your friend flat out has some idea of it already, but that's always a possibility. Good luck with coming out
