My situation.

Hey orlandoh,

That's pretty cool that your friends aren't freaking out or anything and sound like they're kinda encouraging you to explore your feelings.

It's perfectly understandable you'd be "troubled" in your situation. Dealing with unexpected feelings (that are generally not considered "good" or "appropriate" by a huge swath of mainstream society) is not exactly easy.

Human sexuality can be a bit more complex than just "gay," "bi," or "straight." I've heard stories of otherwise straight people falling for people of the same sex and vice versa (otherwise gay people falling for...). If you think "bisexual" best describes you, so be it. But even taking a step like, admitting you are into this guy, is a huge thing, and then labelling that as "bi" is even huger, mainly because all of us are very well aware that we get judged a lot of the time by the labels we take on or that others stick on us. I've found the best way of dealing with labels is to make sure I'm the person defining whatever labels I use for mysef, as opposed to letting the label (or people using the label) define me. No one can tell you what to feel or how to be. (Well, okay, some people love telling others that but no one can actually change what you feel or how you act by what they say unless you let them.)

You've learned something new about yourself and it's a bit shocking; that's okay. Obviously it's a big deal because even if it weren't a big deal to you, it can be a big deal to other people. Those kinds of revelations usually make us wonder about how we fit into the world because it usually involves fitting in in a way we haven't thought about before.

Something I often do that I now try to watch out for and avoid is having feelings about my feelings. Generally that involves feeling guilty or frustrated by my reactions to something. So say I get upset about something, and then I'll get guilty that I got upset. Maybe that's a bit what's happening with you: you're worried about the fact that you're troubled. Or you're troubled that you're worried. I've found it's much more useful (and ultimately healthy) to focus on my actual feelings, rather than any secondary or second-hand ones. I think that second level of "feeling" is really us projecting our assumptions about all the negative reactions people might have to what's going on with us that we've internalised over the years. It's quite an effective way to avoid actually dealing with your genuine feelings about something--I think everyone does it to some degree.

About how you can talk to the guy if you're so nervous and insecure... that is a tough one. I take it your friends know he's gay or bi or that that fact is generally known? What would be so terrible if he wasn't attracted to you? Just the fact that he didn't return your feelings? Or are you afraid he'd make fun of you?

One way to think about these kinds of situations is what are you going to be more comfortable with: holding all those emotions inside and never saying anything or trying to express what you're feeling? And maybe you'll decide it's not worth the risk. I myself usually fall on the side of risking making an ass out of myself for the sake of my ofttimes extremely naive and idealistic hope that things might work out well. That was a deal I made with myself a long time ago: that I would wear my heart on my sleeve and risk being the fool rather than trying to swallow everything I felt and keeping it bottled up. You have to decide for yourself on an approach that works for you... and give yourself a bit of time and space to do that. Rome wasn't built in a day, after all.

Take care and let us know how it goes!

 

orlandoh,

Sexuality is something I believe (and so do quite a lot of other people) to be quite fluid.

I guess there will always be the "totally and unswervingly hetero" at one end of the scale and the "completely and absolutely gay" at the other. As for everyone else - I tend to believe they sit somewhere inbetween - on a sort of "sliding scale" if you will.

Now, to me (having had crushes, sex and relationships with both sexes at various times) it appears that people can sit anywhere on the scale of sexuality from 0% gay to 100% gay...or somewhere inbetween. I also believe that some people can "move up and down" the scale at various stages in their life.

By that I mean that it could be quite possible to like girls, yet come across a guy who for some reason makes your heart race.

I also know people who have been in happy relationships with an opposite sex partner, but are now in relationships with a same sex partner.

Have I confused you yet? All I'm trying to say is that you don't have to be at one end of the scale or the other - or exactly in the middle. You could be anywhere along that scale - and the place you are at could shift according to who you meet and how you relate to them.

I guess it's up to you how you want to play this. I would suggest maybe just trying to get to know this guy a bit better and see if he becomes a friend - and then whether either/both of you might want it to be more than a friendship (assuming he's gay/bi/flexible too).

Just don't get too concerned if, 3 or 4 weeks down the track you meet this gorgeous girl..and fall hopelessly in love with her - hey, it could happen - and nothing wrong with that!

You are young, life is for living - and the good thing is that sexual diversity is far better accepted these days than it was 10, 20, 30 etc years ago. Just keep a positive outlook and choose a direction you'll be happy to explore - and good luck!