1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My pity story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bironey, Jun 11, 2010.

  1. bironey

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2010
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York, New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I'm 21 now, and I was probably 19 when I started thinking maybe I do like dudes. Some point in my 20th year, I told my best friend at the time, who we'll call K. He acts kind of gay and I know he goes to gay bars and has gay friends, etc, but he identifies as straight. So I tell him, he bugs out a bit, whatever; I made it clear that I still like girls, which I really do. We kind of decided to wait until I was 21 to hit up a gay bar and see what happens.

    Fast forward a bit, there's this quiet girl (E) at my job who is pretty damn hot. We never talked much (not to be vain, but I'm pretty hot) and we were both kind of too cool for each other. After a while my friends are all like "Yo get with that", etc. After hearing this enough times I'm like you know what, OK I'll do it. And so I did, I put my moves on her, and got her to hang with me outside of work. That first time we sat there talking for 6 hours. Just talking. My plan was to "do work" as we like to say, but I was so intrigued with her personality that I couldn't kiss her just yet. So this cute relationship started and we managed to keep our clothes on for two months before we broke up. Never had sex with her (neither of us lacked sexual experience, for the record). The day after the break up K and I are going to a club, and we bring along my gay friend J. On the way to pick him up, I chuckle to K "Imagine if I hook up with J LOL". So much for lolz, not only did I kiss him, but the next morning we awoke on the same bed in a hotel near my home.

    It was whatever, to me. I was laughing more than anything the next day. J wanted to keep seeing me, and I was cool with it, because we were friends before any of this, but K's reactions to what I told him, and the influences of others made me start closing that closet door again, as I began to tease and shy away from J. He couldn't be just a friend anymore. Meanwhile that girl E is just starting to come back into the picture.

    E and I started hanging out and hooking up again, but I quickly realized it was going nowhere. It was just so dead. But she insisted on trying to hang out every day, so I insisted on bring K around, just to ease the boredom. One day I'm hanging with K and E and I saw what I normally would brush off as instinctual jealousy as truth. K and E were getting close and I saw it. There was no obvious proof, and there was no sign from me that I could tell. However, after that day neither of them talked to me for 2 weeks. E still hasn't talked to me. I started wondering why I pushed away J, and eventually started hanging out with him again. I told him not to kiss me, but eventually that went to hell. We've done everything now, and unlike before when I was in the position to be the one choosing whether or not we would hang out, he's ditched me for the past week or so. I never see K anymore because he's always with E, who for some fucked up reason doesn't want to be in my field of vision. I've lost the people closest to me, and I feel like I don't really fit in with my other friends as well.

    I'm also pretty closeted. I know there's flocks of gay guys in my area that would love to be with me, they just assume I wouldn't. So, I'm kind of stuck here right now. A part of my wants to lie in my bed face down and cry. Another part of me wants to text E and make her feel bad (I never did this btw. I was never one of those whiney guys and surely I have more than enough dignity to never talk to her again). A tiny but very alluring part of me wants to just come out via facebook and change my interested in: to men and women.

    I know there's not much to respond to this but I would love some feedback as I'm so lonely now :frowning2: hope you enjoyed the story.
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    My feedback would be that you've treated E and J pretty casually, and they don't really owe you anything in my opinion. The fact that K is also giving you the cold shoulder might be because he feels a little awkward that he's dating your ex.

    If you are genuinely interested in guys and girls, they why is it only a 'tiny' part of you that wants to put that as your status on Facebook? Presumably you're not comfortable coming out to everyone just yet - which is perfectly normal. We all need time to come to terms with this ourself before coming out to others.

    I hope you enjoy your time here on EC.