Coworker Suspects Something

Ed, you have come a long way since joining EC, and I am really proud of all that you have worked through. Coming out as late in life as you and I did, I don’t think that we will ever be 100% free of a bit of internalized homophobia. I discussed this very topic with my therapist not too long ago. The key, though, is recognizing when the internalized homophobia is preventing you from living your life as you want to.

I know you have wanted to be out at work for a long time but have always been concerned about potential negative ramifications. It is fear of the unknown, based on this internalized homophobia, that is keeping you from taking the next step. I am reading a book right now, titled “Straight Jobs, Gay Lives.” It is a fascinating study of gay professionals at work, who span the gamut from totally closeted to fully out, and everywhere in between. You may find it helpful. Although the subjects of the book are all gay Harvard Business School graduates, I think you will find that the feelings and experiences of many of the gay and lesbian people in the book closely match yours. The conclusion of the authors seems to be that those who are out and open at work, regardless of the industry, actually have very few, if any, negative experiences. It is those who are totally or partially closeted who have problems. Not to mention, those are the people who feel such great stress when they may be outed at a time and place that is not of their choosing.

Maybe take a step back and think about why you are feeling such stress about just telling this guy how you know it is not a choice. Perhaps hearing it from a peer will allow him to better understand his nephew, as well as gays as a whole. The authors of the book I referred to above concluded that many people who were originally perceived to be homophobic had never had the opportunity to discuss what it means to be gay with a gay person. Once given the opportunity to interact with a real live gay human being, they often changed their views.

 

The book discusses this at some length and found that those who came out on their own encountered very few, if any, instances of people treating them worse after coming out. In contrast, those who were outed had a greater likelihood of receiving some negative reactions from people. In many instances, this was because coworkers were offended that the gay person did not trust them enough to be open with them.

 

Hmm I think that while you could see some difficulties if you came out to him, I think you should just let whatever happens, happen. If no one else at work has expressed concerns should they know, I think it's not a big deal. Plus with him being 50, it's quite difficult to try and change his mind as he is slightly fixed in his ways. Plus since he is just a co-worker of yours, not necessarily a friend...I think you don't really need to worry about his opinion. He's one person, and unless he starts making your life hell at work, I think it's not that big a deal....and since you're quite a strong person from what I've seen you develop since you came to EC, I feel that you know what is best for you to do.

 

Good luck

 

I think we've discussed this before, but the reason people are (or act) homophobic is out of ignorance. And they rarely come to some sort of enlightenment all on their own. It's usually up to somebody to call them out on it. You kind of did that before, and that's great. But I've found nothing forces a major rethink in a homophobe than being confronted with someone gay. Because up until that point, they can push aside any gay people as "them" and not deal with them as human beings. My guess is your co-worker is doing that with his nephew. He's gay, so he's keeping the wall up. But he already knows and interacts with you. And since he apparently already suspects, I don't think keeping quiet is much of an option. Better you own it than shrink away from it.

Think back to all the people you did come out to. I recall you putting it off several times, each time thinking that the time wasn't right. But was the time ever "right"?

Will your co-worker treat you differently? Almost definitely to start out with. People have to get used to ideas like this. But if you do it confidently, I'm betting he'll come around.

Lex

 

Will they treat you differently? I hope so! I would hope that they'd stop telling homophobic jokes!!!

It is just totally unacceptable for you to endure that at work. I'd say go back to the first person you were talking about and tell them that you know that he was asking about your orientation, but that 'T' felt that it wasn't her place to out you - but that she told you that he'd asked. With that as an introduction (he brought the topic up but didn't have the nerve to ask you directly) you can carry on and tell him that you are gay. That is isn't a choice, and that it was something that you yourself have struggled with over the past several years.

I mean, why worry about the whole company gossiping about you? Instead, just lay it all out in the open. You'll be showing a whole lot more courage than they are showing.

 

I don't know if you'd be giving them ammo, necessarily. But I do know if you were to get laid off after you came out, even if the two events weren't related, you'd be wondering if they were. Perhaps it's best to hold tight for the time being.

Lex