Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could go back to how it used to be, when I hadn't told anyone I was gay and when life was much, much simpler. On the other hand the self-hatred i had in me during that time is now gone and Im glad for that. But now I'm just as miserable as I used to be, only for different reasons - No boyfriend, and the lack of willingness to be in what bit of a gay community is here though (although there is an LGBT center here, I've never gone, I noticed today they put a Gay pride flag out)...should make some waves here in the Bible Belt. And I want to be out to everyone, but now isn't the right time for all to know, and I am going back to suppressing my feelings by eating too much. Which is needless to say, very bad. I'm so depressed right now i just want to eat a full carton of ice cream. but I'll never get anywhere that way, in life or in my journey to lose weight and also to come out to everyone....... I dont know what to do. Except sit here on the verge of tears....
Why don't you want to take part in the community? Not saying you should (certain places have pretty sketchy gay communities), but you may want to examine your reasons. More importantly, you do realize you're depressed? May be situational, may be clinical, could be both. That...needs treatment. If you can't afford treatment (and a lot of places offer at reduced rates for people with low incomes; dialing 211, in many parts of the US, will get you to a mental health services directory), try crisis hotlines. They're trained and can and will help people who aren't yet suicidal.
You know what's going to help you from feeling these feelings of regret, or nostalgia towards your hetero past...Finding your community. I have had those feelings where I wanted to go back. Being out doesn't all of a sudden make things better. You are going to have people who don't understand or don't want to understand and in their confusion it'll make being out for you hard. When I first came out one of the promises I made to myself, is that when I went to university I would join the pride group. Find a group of friends that loved me, and didn't care. That was one of the greatest things I could have done! Outside of that small group of my university pride, I made friends from all over southern Ontario. Give your community a chance. That's my best advice. Or at least start looking for a community elsewhere. Even the greatest of leaders had an army behind them!
First of all, as the others said: why don’t you search out the local community? Did you have a bad experience with some of their members? Or are you just nervous of being seen at one of their gatherings? Whatever, the reason, I’d still advise you to contact them. They might not all be best friend material, but you might make one or two friends anyway. And they might have some activities that are low-key and easier to ease into than by going into a house that waves a gay flag. Contacting costs you nothing (and can be done from the comfort of your own home, by e-mail, if they have an address), and will probably open quite a few perspectives! Then there’s the other reason you cite: lack of a boyfriend. No doubt, the prospect of having someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, and to cuddle up to is appealing. But alas, boyfriends don’t just fall out of the sky. And even if you bump into a random gay guy, there’s nothing that says you’ll be compatible. Here too, meeting more gay people can help. Having them as friends can help you find out what you want, and knowing gay people meets to knowing more gay people, and the odds of meeting someone who could be boyfriend material increase! (As a minor disclaimer: don’t think that having a boyfriend will solve everything. Getting into a relationship as a patch for your own hurt doesn’t fix things. It’s better to be in a good place yourself first, and then searching someone to be happy with together, than hoping mr. right will come along and fix things.) And then there is your desire to be out to all. Maybe you’re not ready to destroy the closet once and for all, but Rome wasn’t built in a day either. Take a good look at who you aren’t out to, and who you’d want to be out to. Rather than do a mass coming-out, you might continue coming out to some good friends one at a time. Coming out to people can be a great confidence boost. In short: I think there are still quite a few ways to keep moving forward here. They will require overcoming some fears, but if you get over that, I’m sure you’ll feel better! (*hug*)
