I was just talking to my mom about something unrelated to me that concerned someone disowning their gay son. In fact, the man denies that he even has a son. I wasn't really thinking about myself in relation to this conversation, but then my mom said something about the conversation. She said "I don't want you to be gay, and I hope you're not gay. But I could never deny you as my son." I guess there is a good thing in her saying that. I know that she would never not love me or stop talking or disown me, like the man's father we were talking about. But her saying that she hoped I wasn't and did not want me to be bothers me. I understand it is an ignorance thing, but that is frustrating. I guess I expect more from her. Has anyone else ever experienced a situation like this prior to coming out? Comments from people that drive you further in the closet! Any support, advice, or similar stories would be appreciated.
I haven't had this problem as I haven't come out to my parents either. Although some comments my Grandfather has made me worry more about coming out and has in some ways made me not want to come out to him. Maybe your mum isn't worried so much about the fact that you are gay but more about what will happen to you, maybe her real fear is the discrimination and the homophobia you will encounter. I know it's not quite the same context but sometimes I have the thought (even though because I'm not out I haven't experienced it, discrimination and homophobia that is, I have seen it in action, as have most people) that my life would be a lot easier once I do come out if I were straight rather than gay. I don't know if my rambling has been of any assistance, I hope that it has.
I was thrown back in the closet for nearly 3 years. Coming up to junior year of high school during winter break, I was starting to figure things out, then all of the sudden, my older brother comes out (his freshman year of college). My parents cried for days, and I went from 2nd best to favorite child real quick. They never disowned my brother, but they didn't like it, and weren't ok with it. The only thing they accepted was that they couldn't change it (which is something, at least). I was certainly thrown back to Narnia, but I at least got a chance to probe the field by asking about my brother every now and then. The thing is, there's a good chance it isn't ignorance (depending on the religous history). My parents were able to explain it to me while they didn't fully understand why I was asking. They want you to grow up and live a normal, happy life. They want you to be safe, and fly under the radar. They want you to have a wedding with a nice wife and kids, and they (subconsciously at least) want their name to carry on. When you announce "I'm Gay", all of that flashes before their eyes and disappears. The images have been there for as many years as you are old, and it's incredibly hard for them to imagine them any other way (like with a man). They worry you'll become the gossip of the town, or their friends, and they worry you'll be attacked by true bigots, or denied jobs, etc. In some cases, they worry you'll be disowned by others in the family if they find out (which is why I'm not out on Facebook). In the rare cases where someone is disowned, or their parents are never going to come to terms with it (like mine), it's best just to get it over with then move on. You can't change them, so don't bother worrying about it, and certainly don't live your entire life as a lie for them. Go about life, live the way you want, and be happy and accomplished. In the end, you only have yourself to live up to. Maybe, if we're lucky, your shining example of life as a gay man will be enough to convince others that you are at no disadvantage, and it's ok to be gay.
I think Zum's got the right idea, but I DO think it's ignorance - just another type. I have a feeling that when many parents think about their child being gay, they think of them...oh, I don't know. Maybe wearing a metal speedo and at the end of a chain of a huge leather guy named Butch. Getting beat up at school, and continually fired at work. Having their car vandalized and their home spraypainted. They don't picture their kid having a loving boy/girlfriend, and leading a normal life. Which is what happens far more often. Lex
Nrs there could be several reasons why your mother said that. She could be ignorant yes. But in light of you talking about that father, it could be that she's worried about you getting hurt or being verbally abused like how this father disowned his son and probably bashes gays. So don't necessarily jump to a conclusion of ignorance, it could in fact be more the protective words of a mother worried about her son. And also hun, if she said that....I think she knows....
I have often wondered if she knew or had suspicions. A guy I know that is gay, had his mother ask him right out. I'm not sure if he said yes then or later. He eventually did come out and now seems to be happy.
I do hope you don't mind me referencing your story btw in the Chit Chat section. I apologize if you do...I just found as I wrote what I was saying that I've noticed this trend in many parents of gay children. And I hope it is just a case of her being worried for you like any mother would, not that she just doesn't want you to be gay. And it's good she said she would never stop loving you
When I was growing up my mom used to tell me not to be gay. It happened at random during different parts of my life. I wont lie, it has been one of the main things keeping me from being open and honest with them, and coming out. The thing is, my mom explained that it wasnt because she hated gay people or that she had any problems with gay people at all really. It's just that she works with a lot of gay men, who are much older and alone. She just doesnt realize that times have changed and it's more acceptable to be gay now than it was when those men were my age. And that I cant find someone and be happy if I have to hide my sexual preference from her. I dont think you need to fear your mom's denial. She's saying it's not what she wants for you but she's always going to love you regardless of who you are. I'd say that's a good thing!
My mom recently said something that made me want to stay in the closet for ever. We were talking about how she didnt let my brother and me watch some TV shows when we were kids, and she said something like "I'm glad my you (me and my brother) are straight, I did everything right while raising you" and then added "thanks God none of my kids are gay." Hearing that from her made me feel very bad, it made me feel like I was a failure or something along those lines. I known I'm not a failure, I know what I'm (kind off ha ha) and loving/liking someone your own gender doesnt make you a failure. It also got me thinking that if I ever come out, I will break her "mom's pride" or sense of "success". I guess some parents think they did something wrong after their kids come out to them, probably those parents some how blame themselves for their children's sexual orientation. So, I'm only left with the hope that she will come to terms with it after come out to her and still feel proud of me. If she doesnt, well, I guess I'll try to live my life the way it makes me happy.
I feel blessed to have a gay child. It has enhanced my life in so many ways and I know alot of PFLAG mom's who feel the same way. I hope one day your mother will get there too but be patient, it may take awhile.
My Mum said the same things to me well before I came out. Not knowing your exact situation, I can't say anything for sure, but it sounds like she's just trying to care for you. In her eyes, gay people can't have a family or live "normal" lives. She may be worried about your safety. All of these things may be flashing before her eyes. Chances are, she already "knows" you're gay, but doesn't want to accept it, yet. When you do come out to her, give your Mum some time to mull things over.
