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Need some support . . .

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tayana, Sep 9, 2007.

  1. tayana

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    Not so much about my sexual orientation . . . just other stuff.

    My best friend lives 700 miles away from me. I want to move closer to her, but so far I haven't found a way to do that. We have admitted a shared attraction for each other, but my attraction is much deeper than that. I have some very real, very deep feelings for her. I won't say the L word, just because I've never been "in love" and I'm not sure how that feels. I've told her that I'd like to be closer to see if there are sparks, and if not, then I'll content myself with friendship. I'd rather have her friendship than nothing at all.

    I feel so alone. Because of the above situation, I'm reluctant to try to find other friends. The gay community in my area remains fairly closeted, so finding other people like me is hard. I don't seem to have time between work, my son's school, home, etc to get involved with even the most mundane social activities. I'm not religious, and I don't really want to go to church. I feel like such a klutz trying to meet new people. I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have live far away. I have always been very shy and introverted, and nothing has changed that.

    My family isn't really all that supportive of my situation. I'm trying to break away from them because of the unhealthy enmeshment I found myself in. My mother, in particular has done some pretty nasty things to me. If I ask them for support, then I get comments like, "Well now you know what I've been putting up with," since my son and I used to live with my parents until recently. I've been trying so hard to make a nice place for us, even though we have an apartment instead of a house, and we're in the city not the country. My son resents that I made us move. He argues with me over the most simple things. I end up letting him watch TV just to get some time to myself, and I don't like that, but I also don't like the inevitable fights that come with trying to get him to do something else. Everything comes with all of this drama, and I can't handle it. Some days are better than others.

    Tonight we had a major meltdown over homework, because he lied about having more homework than he claimed. Then he fell apart because he didn't think he was ever going to get it done. It ended up taking about an hour, but he cried and whined for an hour before starting.

    I feel like I'm a terrible parent. I keep telling myself that some of this is normal, and I shouldn't feel so bad, but it doesn't help. I fixed our supper tonight, and after I ate, realized I haven't been eating hardly anything. I used to do that when I was younger, and I don't want to start that again.

    I thought taking a shower might help me relax, but I feel just as bad as I did earlier. I feel so alone, and I just want someone to tell me I'm doing well, doing the right thing, that I'm not destroying my child by forcing him to be more responsible and independent when I don't give in. I've tried to do the things that my counselor has told me to do and turn off the negative tape, but I can't seem to.

    I had the horrible realization in the shower that when I feel like this, I really want someone to hurt me. I don't have the courage to hurt myself. I want someone to do it for me. I really don't know what I've done to make such a mess out of my life.
     
  2. winter89

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    Wow... It seems like you have a lot of stuff to deal with.

    In terms of your son, no kid likes to be uprooted from where they have spent some time growing up and making friends. I deeply resented my parents for moving us at the time but as I grew up, I started to realize what they did they did for a reason. He will come around eventually, but you do have to stay the strong parent and not always give in. I know that seems like an impossible task, but I believe that you are strong enough to do it.

    With everything else, I would encourage you to take time for you and to try and make new friends. As cheesy as it sounds, having people around who you can count on really do make a difference. You have done nothing to make your life a mess. It is not your fault that the people who should care about you- namely your family- can't understand or come to the realization that you are the same person you have always been.

    I really hope that everything works out for the best. Remember that there are people here who want to help you even if it's just by offering advice! (&&&) Good luck and take care! (*hug*)
     
  3. TeeBe

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    I wouldn't worry so much about your son. Out of curiosity, how old is he? I know I was a royal terror from probabily age 11-16. I could barely tollerate myself! I grew out of it though. I think all teens go through it (no offense :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: but you KNOW it's true!) but it doesn't last forever. My sisnter and I both tormented my mom, but now we are closer than ever; more akin to best friends than mother-daughter. I would't worry, things will come in time.

    I really hope that things start looking up soon! Just remember, far away or not, you DO have friends looking out for you, and you ALWAYS have us!
     
  4. tayana

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    My son is 10, almost 11, just starting to go through puberty, so we have started the emotional roller coaster where he hates me one day and loves me the next. My parents, or rather, my mom gave in on absolutely everything. My son had freedoms my brother and I never had, and then my mom would complain because he did the very things she encouraged. I'm trying to undo some of that by making him have to be responsible for his things, his schoolwork, his room, his chores, etc. It's just very frustrating when we have a day like today.

    I called my friend and talked to her for a little while. That helped. If nothing else I didn't feel so alone anymore.

    As for meeting new people, I don't know when or how to do it. When I get home from work, I don't feel like leaving again to go to a social function. And it seems like none of that stuff happens on the weekends.

    I wish there was a gay/lesbian parent group close to me. That's what I'd really like, unfortunately the closest one of those is an hour away.
     
  5. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    It seems to me that because of the move, your son may feel powerless. Everybody, including children, like to have some type of power. So he is butting heads with you to try to regain some of the power. So what you need to do is give him his power back. Let him make some of his own choices. Getting homework done is not a choice. But it can be his choice whether he wants you to help him, he wants to do it alone, he can do it quickly and be able to have some time for TV or he can do it slowly. Try to give him opportunities to be in control. I think you will find that you will butt heads less often.

    Are you out to your son? If so, you might also look into going on a vacation with other gay families with kids. This could give you both some much needed rest and social time.
     
  6. tayana

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    Becky,

    I've been trying to give my son quite a lot of control, as far as homework, chores, etc. I try to offer choices. We even have a reward system in place. Things have slowly gotten better. Last night was just a really off night, I guess, and I just fell apart. I feel so very isolated at times, and last night was one of those. I feel a little better today. I just have a lot of stress, and I don't handle it well, I suppose. Tomorrow I have a meeting at school to talk about my son's individualized education plan. I had to spend the weekend with my homophobic, over critical mother, and to top it off, my son has been sick. It's just too much sometimes.

    I'm sort of out to him. We've talked about it a little. I don't know how much he understands, really. A vacation sounds really nice, unfortunately it's going to be a while before it happens.

    Thanks for the support and for listening. I really needed it.
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Tayana,

    Gay or not, being a parent is hard! Being a single parent is REALLY hard! From what you've said, I think you're making the right decisions for you and your son, and you should be commended for them! You're not a bad mother. You're demonstrating that you can and should be independant and make decisions for yourself (i.e. not be dependant on your parents).

    That may not make you feel any better though... I know it can be really overwhelming some times. You probably do need to do SOMETHING for yourself. If not a vacation, then perhaps a yoga class or jogging or a house league volley ball team, etc. Something to get you out just one night a week. Maybe your son has a friend whose mother would be sympathetic to your plight and wouldn't mind having him over for dinner one evening a week - or for a couple of hours on the weekend.

    I know my wife feels the same way, and I'm less than 10 minutes away and try to help as often as I can. Its still hard for her, and she has more support and likely less to worry about than you do.

    So in addition to the suggestions above, try to do something little for yourself.
     
  8. Ilayis

    Ilayis Guest

    You don't sound like a bad parent at all,I personally would keep my distance from your motherif she isn't helping with your situation.I would give some advise on your kid,but the only things I have are things that were used on me,which I don't think are right,so I'll just wish you luck and hope things get better for you.Stay in there!