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Did I do something wrong?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sesshomaru, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. Sesshomaru

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    I planned on making this thread yesterday but got lazy so here it is.

    I wrote my mom a letter that was basically a "coming out" letter about being gay and all. I was nervous all day at school and felt sick thinking of how she might react. I get out of school thinking I might have to deal with something horrible, and nothing happens at all. She didn't even mention anything about it at all. I checked her truck later that day too and the letter was gone so I know she must have seen it. Is this normal or did I maybe do something wrong with coming out? o.o
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, you should be proud of yourself for having been able to leave the letter for your mum to find and read it. Congratulations on coming out to your mum!

    Sometimes, it can take a bit of time for parents to come around to it. Every parent has particular dreams for their child or children and it can take a while before these dreams are being adjusted. Maybe give it a couple of days. Perhaps she is waiting for the right moment to talk to you about the letter. If she still hasn't said something maybe sit down with your mum when you two have a moment together and talk with her about the letter and yourself.

    But no worries, you didn't do anything wrong. (*hug*)
     
  3. Steve712

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    I sent an email to my pushy grandmother telling her that I didn't believe in any gods. I sent it was because she was coming dangerously close to pushing me into a confirmation ceremony (a Catholic rite of passage, basically). When I next visited her, she acted as though nothing had happened. I found a printed copy of email laying around her house (she prints all of her emails), so she had obviously seen it. *shrugs* Some people react to things privately and then kick them under the rug whenever possible. This is evidently a bit more of a serious situation, given that this is your mother and your sexual orientation. I suggest that you bring it up. You don't even need to speak of the content at first, just ask her if she read "the letter" and go from there.
     
  4. otc877

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    Give her some time. Let her process things as she needs to. Then, when you feel enough time has passed gently probe her about the letter.
     
  5. Filip

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    You definitely didn't do anything wrong! Finding the courage to tell your mother is no small feat!

    However, this probably did come as a surprise to her.If she didn't have any idea, it was obviously the biggest surprise of all, but even if she had an idea, it was most likely still a bit of a shock to see that letter.
    The lack of a bad reaction is an indication that she's not having real problems with it, but just needs some time to deal with it.

    I can think of three possible scenarios:

    1) She needs a bit of time to think about it, and is looking for the right moment to talk to you about it. This is basically the best possible scenario. Hopefully, she'll start a conversation about it in the next two days or so. Then you can

    2) She thinks that you told it in a letter because you feel uncomfortable talking about it (did you mention in that letter that she can talk about it to you?). And if you both talked as if nothing happened, she might be thinking you'd rather not discuss. In that case, bringing it up (just "so, you read my leter?" should be nough to start a conversation) is the right way to go

    3) She hopes that this is all a terrible misunderstanding, and totally denies it happened. Ths is, frankly, pretty unlikely. But even so, the thing to do here is start talking about it.

    In any case, you can give it a couple of days before bringing it up, but I'd say definitely not more than that. Otherwise the uncertainety will keep gnawing. And if your mom is uncomfortable starting a conversation about it, she's going to be uncertain too. It's better if it doesn't become the proverbial elephant in the room.
     
  6. Sesshomaru

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    We have yet to talk about it since neither of us have brought it up so far, but she did say something that caught my attention about 2 days ago. She was on the phone with one of my cousins and I was eating (ieat like a starving horse lol) and asked her to cook me some more food and she said, "Damn I feel sorry for the wife that marries you when you get older. If she can't cook then she's gonna have it hard especially if she gets pregnant." Then she paused for a bit (I'm guessing she remembered I'm gay) and said "Or well whoever you marry." She's never said anything like that last bit before and the fact that she paused for a bit after saying the family's joke about how much I eat makes me think that she must be referring to me being gay.

    I know towards the end of the letter I did write that I know even though she basically already knew I'm gay that she still might need a little time to deal with it and that if she had any questions to ask at all that I'd answer them.

    I think I'll bring it up towards the end of this weekend if I can bring myself to do it.
     
  7. Filip

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    This is where you tell her: "I'm in luck. The greatest chefs in the world are all men!" :icon_wink

    Okay, joking aside, that's basically her making it explicit that she read your letter. And is rather accepting of the idea of you not getting married to a woman. If she jokes about it, that's a really good sign.

    I'm guessing that means she's just nervous to bring it up more explicitely. I would still say it's best to bring it up (even if just by asking her if she read the letter and still has questions). It might clear up things some more. After you already wrote her a letter, I'm sure you can bring yourself to do that!
     
  8. Chip

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    I think she's shown that she's accepting of what you've told her. Many parents are absolutely mortified about discussing anything remotely sexual with their kids, and being gay, of course, involves acknowledging something about sex. So she may simply be uncomfortable, particularly if she has visions of buttsex and so forth.

    She may also think that because you left her a letter, that you are a little uncomfortable talking about it. Give it a little time, and then you can gently say "I'm guessing this is probably a bit uncomfortable for you but I just wanted to know if there was anything you wanted to talk about regarding my letter." You might get an "Oh, no, that's fine" or you might get the floodgates opening with questions. But either way, some parents are just rather reserved about such things. :slight_smile: