Sorry this is soo long! My parents are seperating. My mom has a new boyfriend, his name will be X for now. X talks to me he laughs with me and generally he's cool with me being lesbian, something my father never was. But i dont fit. There like the perfect family i never had. I don't know what to say. I think it'd be better without me and I would live with my father but i just cant. My father is in a wheelchair [not permanitly] and taking all sorts of medicine. So he is agitated and forgetful. When he yells for no reason [he screamed at me and my brother because we forgot to pick up his damn lotto tickets] his excuse is the medicine. But i feel like he shouldn't have that as an excuse. Someone should blame him and not me! Its not my fucking fault im not perfect. Oh, and when I told him i was going to my mini-prom with a girl [wasn't true but i thought it would be a good time to tell him i was lesbian] he repied with, "WHAT? You cant do that..........i mean there gunna kick you out" He paused when he said you cant do that. Oh and we got into a argument and he said, "You don't belong in this house" I don't belong anywhere. Not with my mother. Not in school. Not there. Im so lost. My life is shit right now. Were having money trouble, im in love with my best friend who WAS dating my other bestfriend [completly straight], i dont wanna say hate but im angry with my dad. I stopped cutting because i made a promise to someone and I dont feel right breaking it but i want to so bad. Cutting lets me escape and it makes me feel a rush. I want to escape. I want to leave. And i already tried suicide with pills and i lived. Im feeling the same feeling i was when i tried it and frankly, i dont think i want to die yet and if i tried suicide.. i wouldn't fail again. Tell me please.... what the hell should i do?
Akemi First off: (*hug*) Secondly, I want you to know that suicide is NOT, and should never be, a solution to ANY problem. Hon, what you're being faced with is adversity. Problems, frustrations, and obstacles are present in everybody's life, no matter how "perfect" you think you are. Life isn't going to be an easy task, and even though it may seem like some of us have it easier than others, the fact is that we all have times when we're feeling low and in the dumps. I'll admit, there was a time I thought I didn't want to live anymore, too. When I came out to my friends, some of my best friends decided that they'd go ahead and leave me, then begin teasing and name calling behind my back. I was devistated. I cut once. Then, I immediately thought over my action, and completely repulsed the whole idea. Slitting, cutting, and suicide show a very bad and low character. They show that you're weak, and willing to give up. Don't ever give up, no matter how bleak or grimm the future looks. There will always be some reason to continue, whether it be love interest or future dreams. We're here to help, and guide you through all these obstacles. My advice: Though it seems blunt, just hang in there. Find the deep motivation and drive to keep going on. You can't give up; no one should ever do so. If you don't see any reason to, then at least do it for us here on EC. We're here to be your friends, and give you a hand when you need it. Please don't ever consider suicide; it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I've been there. I've been in the darkest of all places. I know how you feel, and I'm really really sorry. (*hug*) Yes, hang in there. Things will pass. It can't get any worse, right? So do something to occupy your mind with. Read books, play games, find a hobby. Do good in school. Get good grades. Talk to your friends. You can even make new friends here in EC, if that's possible. Just try to smile and don't think about suicide. Imagine how those who cared about you would feel if you did. You have to be strong. Don't think irrational thoughts. I know it's hard. When you're in a dark situation you feel desperate and think illogical thoughts. Try not to. Adopt a mantra and repeat it a few times a day, that can really help you out a lot. Remember, somewhere out there, someone has it beyond worse than you do. I know it's hard to imagine, but trust me. Feel better and be a fighter! You can do it.
Akemi, you should hardly just ride the wave and rely solely on perseverance and audacity to bring you through these tough times, but nor should you fall into destructive habits. You need to seek help and you need to do it as soon as possible. There are hotlines (such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK), there are forums such as this one which act as support networks for their members, there are your friends; there are people who are able and willing to help you. The only thing that you need to do to obtain their help is reach out. You've done so here, but you should talk to some people who are more qualified, such as the people who work for the NSPL. Once school starts again, you can go to the guidance office if you fee comfortable. They have resources which can give you further aid. You can do this, girl; just not by yourself
I know how you feel. I have struggled with the cutting thing myself. I've only done it twice...and each time I look back and I can't believe I did it. Things just got so far out of control that I needed an escape. I had a buddy who killed himself. He hung himself from a tree in the woods with a rusty old chain. Almost everytime I close my eyes I can see him hanging there. But we will get back to the suicide later because that's not the key problem here. In love with the best friend.....wow. I remember those days. I was SO in love with my best friend that it physically hurt me. She had no idea that I was bi and when I finally told her I assured her (lying of course) that I would never hit on her because she was like a sister to me and that would just be weird. I went through high school with next to no friends....and the ones I had I usually crushed on. Family....yeah I don't much fit with mine either. My Mom is uber unaccepting of the tranny thing and my Grandpa is a bible thumper. Nothing like being told you're going to Hell by the man you looked up to for most of your life. Unlike your Dad, my Dad is mellow...but he walked out on me when I was young...so it has been a long road back. I know what it's liek not to fit in...it's never easy and the one thing I wish I had was friends to talk to and rant to and get advice from. It always seemed that I was giving advice but when the tree fell in the woods...there was no one around. Is suicide the answer? well no not really but I'm not gunna preach about it because it's not the root issue here. The suicide is just the only thing you see as the way out. I know life is rough and times can be very hard on the mind and body. So if you ever need anything get ahold of me =]. My wall is always open and I'll be more than happy to listen to you rant rave and complain and offer a friendly smile in return. I know it can't fix the problems at home...but maybe having a shoulder to cry on will help relieve some of the pain. For what it's worth, you always fit in here on EC. We are always here for you and we want to see you stay here... It'll be a sad day when we loose you s a member. Hope to hear from you in the future =].
Thank you guys. So many opinions helped me get through this. I figured why not keep my promise and be proud then break it and feel worse then i did. So i found a new thing to do ... besides throwing knifes at my wall........Playing darts. Its fun and i try to do tricks meanwhile when im mad i just throw it....... or impale it to one of my stuffed animals...... dont judge. lmao
That's a very creative way to let your frustration out. Just make sure you don't misaim any of those darts.
Akemi, first off, we all love you here! (&&&) I've been there, tried, and failed like you. My issues weren't necessarily caused by stressors so much as yours are, but that's actually good, since you know some of the causes. Please, if you haven't, go speak with your mother or her boyfriend about going to see a counselor. It sounds to me like you really need someone to talk to and help you through things, and your family and friends aren't likely to notice. It's not that they don't care, but they just assume the best, because that's what they like to think of you, and chances are you don't tell them how you're really feeling either. If you aren't comfortable speaking with your family about the issue, talk to one of your friends' parents, or a teacher you trust at school, or make an excuse to go see your family doctor. Even telling just your friends isn't likely to help in the long run. It will help you vent a bit, but they won't know how to help you. You're all young, and of any of them you're being forced to grow up the fastest. You do need the help of an adult in getting you to the right person to help you through these times. Your public or private school system might actually have one on hand for you to see for free (I know mine did, or at least, I found out after I graduated). Don't be afraid to go to a counselor either. You won't be laying on a couch like in the movies, and they won't diagnose you with anything right off the bat, if at all. They won't try and drug you up except as a last resort. They are there to help you figure out how to live your life, and how to get through troubling times such as these. I've been, and I waited longer than a year to go after I should have. Perhaps I could have prevented my first attempt had I asked for real help sooner. They do help, and they are paid to know how to help you. A little tip to help you, until you can get help, coming from my counselor. When you're worrying or stressing about something, stop, and think about it. Can you affect what is stressing you? Is there any realistic way to change things? If so, then go do it. If not, then stop worrying about it. If there's nothing you can do, what's the point of wasting time and energy worrying and stressing. It's tough to make the judgements, but with practice you'll get better at worrying about only the things you can change. Please remember that people care about you. Keep that promise to your friend, as they clearly care. And we all care about you. If you have any questions, or need anything at all, just PM me, and I'll be happy to be there for you. (*hug*)
