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My Stay at the Mental Ward

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by xxAngelOnFirexx, Sep 10, 2007.

  1. xxAngelOnFirexx

    Full Member

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    this is all the text right out of the journal i kept during my third stay at the hospital. this version is revised for decency and safety. you'll see what i mean.

    "A Week At the Mental Ward
    (revised version)

    Day 2
    8:15 pm
    its getting late at my second day at *the hospital*. Getting tired. They put me on lithium today. I find out I have a borderline personality disorder. No fricken da! Why I wasn’t treated for this before I don’t know. I want to get out of here asap. I’m not depressed, suicidal or any urges at all. Its all a stupid mistake. I’d be way better off at home. I suppose its for my meds to stablize. F*** that! I could do that at home. My stupid so called ‘social worker’ Brook got me pissed off. Then she tells me my behavior was bad. F*** that s***! Anyway I’ve been talking for black because everyone else does. It seems like everyone here is either gay or bi. Out of us 9 girls 5 are gay and 1is bi. Two said that they were because they were raped. Wendy, she’s cool and all but she’s way to butch for me. Actually she looks like a guy so much that I get confused. 3 gay girls told me I was cute. Wendy said I have beautiful eyes. I wish she’d stop hitting on me. It wouldn’t work. I don’t do hospital relationships. I’ve been crazy enough on my own. Its cute to get attention. Even a staff is gay. She did’t say it but she had a rainbow bracelet and she stood up for being born gay when the two ‘became’ lesbians be asking when we became gay. Yeah right… I be drawing pictures for everyone. There was 2-3 discharges and three newbies today. I’ve been talking to two of them. Everyone keeps telling each other that they are pretty. I don’t agree. Some are okay but there is one that is just fine. Straight unfortunately. I’d make an exception for her. Shes pretty sane actually. If she was gay/bi… well I can dream. I won’t hit on her though. I’m not like that. This place is crazy but a few days won’t kill me. Don’t get me wrong I’d kiss a guy if it could get me out of here. I swear. I’m a take a shower in the morning. Not into it right now. And my hair is so soft still. I wish I could have hairspray but I also wish I could get my earrings back too. Well bye for now. Thanks for reading. The thought of that is pleasing.

    Day 3
    10:20am
    Just had group. It was stupid. At least tell me something I don’t know. My paper had scribbles and I had to rewrite it. B****.

    4:26 pm
    Boring drag group. I saw my mom today. My gauges are getting small. My 6g is now 8g and my 2g is now 4g. so only 1mm each. I need to replace my cartilage. O I found I don’t have BPD. I have Borderline Personality Disorder! (edit: I have both)

    11:26 pm
    I just drew an awesome picture of my cat TJ. I have an urge to cut. I won’t do anything but I be craving pain and the blood. My urge is to take a blade or knife to my neck. I wish I could be home. How can I prove myself if I don’t have a chance. I feel bad for ignoring Wendy but she’s not my type. We just had ice cream. Yum! I still need to take another shower. I could go home tomorrow I may go home Monday and I should be out by Tuesday. Good. I am off GSP. Finally. Visitation went good. I got to put my gauger in. I’ll try to replace my industrial soon as I get back. And my cartilage and my gauges. And pet Teej. F*** my type. I like Wendy. But I really don’t want to date her.

    Day 4
    12:45
    I talked to my doctor today. I should be going home late tomorrow or early Tuesday. I have been feeling depressed. I lied to the doctor and staff. You would too if you were stuck here and just found out you were going to need meds and therapy the rest of your life too. Wendy asked me out last night. I said I wasn’t sure but gave her my AIM and EC SN and number. She’s cool but I don’t like how she quit school, used to smoke pot. Also she is 17 and I am 15. She is black too and drives but no car. I’ll tell her is she asks again that we can try to stay friends out of here and if that works then it is a possibility. Everyone loves my hair and unique style. Wendy said I was the most beautiful girl here. How flattering! I had thoughts of suicide and hurting myself. If I said anything I’d never go home. This place is making me depressed. Hurting myself would some nothing. I won’t do it. Suicide. I don’t want to die. And there is so much left for me to do. I can make it easier for those behind me. I’ll pave the way. STOP READNG MY JOURNEL! (not you)

    Day 5
    11:25am
    I think I am going home today. I was hurting myself today. I found a nail in my room. I scratched my arms. Still home is better than here. I’ll try to get Wendy’s number I really am starting to like her. Laura is my new roomate. She is only 14. It was a surprise to wake up and see her there.

    2:00pm
    From now on I vow to not drink or eat until I leave. All I wanted was a f*******

    3:00pm
    ice cream bar. Then Wendy snitched on me. Now I’ll be here forever while she leaves. The only reason I told her is because she be ignoring me. She probably only told because she cares but I’d be way better at home. In fact I was going to be discharged today or tomorrow. If I was home I would be fine. I haven’t taled to my social worker in forever. Actually 2 times total in 5 days. 3 times for my doctor. I just want to talk to my momma so I can go home but I can’t even do that. F****** *hospital name* d*** (lol, Leigh)!

    3:15
    if I was home there would be no reason to cut. At home I’d be fine. Now I’ll miss my rescheduled art class. Dinner with my grandparents, and barely make it to my waterpark vacation. My mom, I hope she understands. I hope believes ax and my doctor and my social worker. I’m on a Ghandi peace protest.


    5:30pm
    dem b******* be trying to control me. I aint listening to nobody I give no respect. No respect deserved. I feel like slamming my head into a wall or punching one. I just keep glaring at Wendy. B*****. I’m so f******* pissed i could cry. :’-(

    8:55 pm
    I’m happy. I gots Wendy’s number. She really saved me. She wrote on the next page. I wish she’d ask me out again. I really like her. Night.

    Day 6
    8:36am
    Why the hell are we having a conversation about shit?! WTF?!
    Ew…
    Still not eating. I’m starting to like the control. I may be becoming anorexic. Bulimia and anorexia run in the family. My mom’s anorexic and my grandfather is bulimic.

    9:45 am
    I’m dizzy from my Seroquel and not eating. Its self punishment for cutting. I’m beginning to look forward to not eating as one would look forward to eating. I should be going home. I’m upset that Wendy is leaving. I’ll call her as soon as I get out. It’ll be 24hrs without eating at lunch. I wish Wendy would as me out again…

    10:35am
    I just found out from my doctor that I was scheduled to leave today but now I have to stay 72 more hours. A total of 3 days including today. and be on GSP the whole time. All because of some f****** rule while everybody else be going home. F**** that! My gauges close. My waist shrinks and Wendy leaves *bawls*. WTF!?

    11:55am
    I ate two chicken nuggets as solids. I feel bad. I tried to puke but I couldn’t. no more for tonight. I like Jessica. She’s nice. I’ll get her #. She’d be a cool friend. I got to remember to give her EC’s URL. I’m mad at Wendy. She’s acting like I don’t exsist. That makes me sad. Especially since she’s leaving. Mom is as dumb as Wendy.

    Day 7
    9:40am
    Last night I was bugging out from not eating. I was shaking bad, couldn’t see straight, move, and I kept passing out. My friends Jess and Leigh got me top eat a snack but I made myself throw up. I know I’m worrying them but that’s how I roll. I was still feeling sick this morning so I ate breakfast. I still have vision trouble and keep passing out.
    I’m going to participate in groups, eat, and behave. I want to get out of here asap. So I can call Wendy, check on Dan and enjoy the last few weeks of summer. We got 3 new people yesterday. They isolated me to the other side of the room. Yeah isolate the depressed girl that’ll make her feel better. But I want to leave. Maybe tomorrow. Just maybe.

    10:00 am
    Why won’t anybody believe me?! I sound unsure because I am so full of grief for being here. But I seriously truly am trying. I ate breakfast, don’t complain that I am upset. I participate in group, I won’t self-harm anymore. Nothing comes of it. Not eating will do nothing. I feel bad for not talking to my mom but she upset me. I’ll try to convince Brook, my mom, and the Dr. that I’m trying. But how can you when they dismiss your words no matter what you say good or bad. But truthfully I will do anything to get out of here. That’s why I’m behaving. I want my actions to match my feelings to match what I say. I pray to God mom listens.

    11:13am
    I just had a meeting with Brook. I’m going home!! I am so happy! My friends are going to miss me but I really need to get out of here! I did a worksheet and then she’ll call my mom! I can’t wait! SO full of joy and happiness. Good thing I ate! *squeals with joy*
    It’ll be a week again.
    New friend tally: Leigh, Wendy <3, Sam, Kelly, Jessica
    Other: Emma, Laura, Brittany

    3:12pm
    I am free at last."
     
  2. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    Oh wow Im so proud of you