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My "Overly-Straight" Father. I Don't Want To Let Him Down :(

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GoinStag, Jun 21, 2010.

  1. GoinStag

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    So, to jump right into things, my Dad (like a lot of other Dads) is straight. But he's REALLY straight. Almost a creep. Like when we're in the car and he sees a hot girl he won't just check her out, he'll practically stick his head out the window. Well probably twice now, he's tried to get me to go to Hooters with him. Yeah, the food is good, but I don't feel like "objectifying women" with my Dad. Not like it would be awkward, just...idk....I wouldn't feel uncomfortable...I just really wouldn't know what to say lol and it's not just that. He's been trying to get me to go to a Tigers game with him lately. I like baseball, just not as much as I used to. He asks me to do both of these once and a while. I don't want to let him down.

    All he EVER talks about is "Man, one day.You'll fall in love with a beautiful woman, have a family....you'll see" or "I can't wait 'till you get married I'll have grandkids". It just kills me. He doesn't know about my sexual preference so it just kills me. He's also kinda homophobic.Not super homophobic, but a little bit.

    So here are the 2 things I need advice on...

    1.) Should I just suck it up and go to bars and baseball games with him and just look at it as bonding???

    2.) How can I feel better about myself when I think about these expectations he has for me???

    I'd really appreciate some help. It's the 2nd thing that REALLY kills me inside though.
     
  2. olides84

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    The way I see it, he will be the one letting you down if he doesn't (eventually) accept your sexual orientation. It may take time, but parents have to understand and maybe be educated that being gay is not a choice. To live your life happily is a choice, and for gay people that generally means to accept how you are wired and live accordingly, and not head into a marriage with the opposite sex where you are hiding something very important and personal from your spouse.

    Oh on your question 1, yes to baseball, no to hooters. Bond at the one that you have some like for. Or find something that you like that you could invite him to.
     
  3. GoinStag

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    He doesn't know that I'm into guys

    You're right about the baseball thanks :slight_smile:
     
  4. olides84

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    ^ Yeah but I assume you'll come out to him at some point. You can read many threads here where of course parents are disappointed because they've built up all these expectations, and bam!, things change. But you know, life takes twists that you have no control over. How he deals with that twist (you being gay) will hopefully be something you can be proud of, and that he won't let you down :slight_smile:
     
  5. zzzero

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    I'd say go to the baseball games, they're just bonding times. If anything, you going to them with your dad will probably make him more comfortable with the fact that you're gay because it sortof shows that despite your sexual orientation, you love him and you're like any other person who wants to spend time with their family. If he's somewhat homophobic, he probably only sees the stereotypical kind of gay guy around, and has a twisted view of what all gay people are like.

    If you ever end up getting taken into hooters, comment on the food and everything else but the women. When he tries to get a response from you about the women, say something non-objectifying. Dont give in and pretend you're okay with it. You can even speak up and say how you dont appreciate the way he acts around women if you're comfortable with that.

    You know you're gay, now you just have to ease your dad into the idea, it will take some time, but it might help make things easier later on.
     
  6. GoinStag

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    He doesn't know though, that's the thing. He thinks I'm straight and every time I hear him talk about "You're gonna get married and have children" and stuff like that it kills me 'cause I know he's looking forward to all of that.
     
  7. pikachu1

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    I know exactly how you fell. I'm in the same boat. My dad is just like yours pretty much and it just kills me when I think of shttering all the hopes and dreams he has for me by letting him know that I am gay and that none of that will happen like he wants.
     
  8. Zumbro

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    As far as baseball goes, if you enjoy the games, then go to them. There's nothing saying you can't hang out with your father just because you're in the closet. You could even go to Hooters with him, and if he says anything, just tell him it's awkward seeing your married (I assume) father talking about women who are closer to your age like that.

    As far as the whole "you're the future" thing, I completely understand you there. I got that hardcore after my only brother came out. 3 years of suffering through it before I finally told them, and I couldn't even do it to their face, not even on the phone. In the end though, I'm not living their life, I'm living mine. And they were bound to either find out or figure out that I wasn't going to get married eventually, and I certainly am not going to be miserable for my entire life just for their sake.
     
  9. Zach1992

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    When you do eventually come out MAKE SURE to tell him that a family is still possible.
     
  10. Lexington

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    Well, you might try testing the waters a bit (if you feel you can). -

    Next time your dad goes on a kick about hot women, go ahead and look. Don't hang your tongue out the way he does, but go ahead and give her a look. (If you're not sure what you're supposed to be seeing, just size up her outfit. :slight_smile: ) Then kind of shrug and say "I don't know. I guess she's OK." If you feel you can nudge it a step further, say "But she doesn't really do much for me." If he presses you in that direction - "Well, who DO you think is hot?" - again, shrug it off. "Haven't really seen a girl that really does much for me."

    But yes, continue bonding over your common ground. Make it clear you're not rejecting HIM. :slight_smile:

    As far as grandkids go, sorry, he doesn't get to choose that. The question isn't whether he wants grandkids - it's whether you want kids. If you do, great. If not, well, he's gonna have to just be disappointed on that front. My mother was looking forward to grandkids through me. She got over it. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  11. zzzero

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    My dad is the same way, and he doesnt know. I do my best to not lie to him though. If you're dad's excited for these things, it might be best to find a way to ease him off of that idea, so it's not such a big deal when you come out. that's what I do anyways.
     
  12. GoinStag

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    Yeah well with the whole baseball thing...it's kinda a combination of my depression (seriously, not trying to complain) and just not being as into it (baseball) anymore. I don't think it's "gay tendencies" (if they even exist) coming up 'cause I'm not into that steriotypical shit like fashion and Lady GaGa. I think I should go to the game though you're right. But my parents are divorced.Both totally against anything gay.Yeah, lol gay guys bother my Mom but the fact that her boyfriend is Muslim and married doesn't seem to bother her 1/100 as it does me.
    Yeah, well my excuse for not having a girlfriend is "I wouldn't get with any girls at my school even if I could" kinda thing.My school is kinda slutty and gross.

    I mean I guess I might want kids in the future but I 1st want a boyfriend so badly. I mean after high school 'cause I do horribly in school so I gotta focus on that 1st but I know my parents would be against it.

    Here's the weird thing: 2 out of 3 of my sisters claim to be Bi. I say "claim" because one if a feminist who is all about "girl-power". She got her tubes tied which killed my parents.My oldest sister (straight) just had a baby, so it's not completely hopeless for my Dad to have grandchildren.....

    I guess it's just.....I always hear my Dad say "I got a son","I was sooo happy when I found out I was having a boy".Everyone always says "you look EXACTLY like your Dad".I hate that.Not only 'cause he's just weird looking, but he uses women. He's conceited. he loves me, he's just not a super good person. I just hate letting him down. All my life I've heard his expectations, and up until I was about 13 I thought I could meet those expectations.
     
    #12 GoinStag, Jun 21, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2010
  13. GoinStag

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    I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being such a downer, all of everyone's advice is very good.I'm just kinda down about all of it. He looks forward to stuff like that.
     
  14. Lexington

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    Well, think about it for a minute. It seems his expectations are that you turn out (more or less) just like him. But you don't seem to think he's all that perfect. So why would you want to meet those expectations, anyway?

    Your father probably has some good qualities, so just make sure you emulate THOSE. And don't bother trying to emulate the things you feel you can improve on. Work on being the best YOU you can, not the best copy of your father you can.

    Don't worry about the grandkid question much, or even the "getting the boyfriend" thing. That will come. Just keep working on being happy with who you are, and what you're becoming.

    Lex
     
  15. D_Alejandro

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    The only happiness and approval you are responsible for are those of YOURSELF.

    My dad used to be the SAME way (by saying the whole marrying and children nonsense), but he isn't super overly straight either. This is something your dad will have to deal with. If he truly loves you, he will accept you for who you are, even though it might take years.

    For now, I would attend sporting events.

    And you CANNOT live your life fulfilling the expectations of others because that is a life of chains and pain. Meet your OWN expectations (provided you're a good person, good grades, no drugs, all that jazz :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:).

    Good luck, and feel better! (*hug*):slight_smile:
     
  16. seth381

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    As others have said don't worry about the grandchildren thing I've let that hold me back because I feel bad, but my father is also the same way I haven't came out to either parent but he will be SOB come out to because homos are the people to make fun of which is really angering plus I've heard "son as long as your not gay"
     
  17. pete19

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    First of all I'm sorry if I repeat things other people say because I have my own opinion and I don't want to forget it lol.

    Now to address problem #1:
    Even if you were straight, not wanting to go to Hooters and 'hoot' at women is normal. You're simply a romeo type. You're a lot like me in that respect. I prefer to treat women with respect. This is a simple one to fix. Just tell your Dad, "Hey Dad listen, I really don't feel comfortable staring at women and and diminishing them to a piece of a@@." Or just say something similar. Even straight guys can have respect for women.

    Problem #2
    This one isn't a hard one to fix but a hard one to execute. First of all I would tell your Dad about the first problem and put some space (time) in between telling him that and addressing this. You don't want him to think that you don't like to degrade women because you are gay/bi (sorry I forgot to look before I started typing this -_-). You just have to stop your Dad mid-sentence one time and be liek, "Dad listen. I'm going to eventually find someone who loves me and we are going to have kids. But Dad...I'm gay/bi." I know it seems forward, but your dad seems liek the kind of guy who needs to hear it 'straight' (no pun intended). You can try to take it slow if you want, but I believe that the firmer you are and the more confident you are in your conviction, the more your Dad will realize you are serious.

    I know it isn't going to be easy, so if you ever need a shoulder or an ear come knock on my wall. I'm always around here somewhere =]
     
  18. GoinStag

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    Yeah you're totally right! It does seem like he wants me to turn out like him. I guess I just want to make my family proud. But you're right, I need to be happy with myself.
    Well I get shit grades.I failed 9th grade the 2008/2009 school year and I may have failed this passed year again. I was told I didn't but I was told the same thing 2 years ago.That's something completely different though. I just want to work on who I am as a person though y'know? Not what my GPA is. I'm so tired of being judged by that. I'm a good lovable person and I have good qualities. I don't do drugs though so that's cool.I don't drink either.When people at school ask me why I just say "I guess I just have it bad enough to were I don't need to do stupid shit just to 'give myself a story'" lol.
    Thnx.I don't really feel comfortable coming out to my family yet. I'm looking at cheap studio apartments in Toronto, Chicago, and New York right now. I know it's kinda early, but as soon as I can scramble enough money up I'm out. I want to start my life. Then I'll come out to them.That's the plan :slight_smile:
     
  19. Filip

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    I think that everyone someday has to disappoint their parents, as a rite of passage. A lot (if not most) parents have a whole list of things they didn’t get in life, or wanted to do better, or wanted to do differently, and then think that they’re going to give their kids the perfect youth…
    Except for not considering that kids might have different ideas :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    And from the position of being a kid, it’s equally hard to realize that your parents are not all-knowing and perfect, but have their bad sides too… But it helps in realizing that meeting their expectations isn’t the end-all of a happy life.

    And, in a lot of cases, being gay doesn’t even need to be a damper on the expectations. In the end, the only thing that will be different is in the content’s of your partner’s pants. Which shouldn’t matter all that much to parents. They just need to be told that, when you come out.
    Maybe don't worry about the coming out for now, but when you do, it is important to stress that being gay doesn't hamper your life, that you'll be happy with a guy, possibly even with kids, and that you've accepted yourself. Once they see you're doing OK, and this isn't some horrible disaser they need to save you from, family often tends to come around quickly.

    As for those “bonding moments”, I’d say go to the baseball, and skip the hooters, if possible. And if you can’t avoid the hooters, just make it clear you’re not enjoying the women all that much.
    However, don’t just react to what he proposes! If there’s anything else that interests you, why not propose going to that instead? Maybe he’ll be interested. If you don’t propose things, he’ll keep proposing things he thinks he knows you enjoy. Bonding is about getting to know each other even better, and that doesn't happen if it's just you politely going to where he drags you.
     
  20. GoinStag

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    you're right I never even thought about it like that :slight_smile: