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I feel so worthless half the time...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ANightDude, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. ANightDude

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    I've been debating whether or not to even ask for help on this, but I figured I might as well.

    Okay, so let's start here: I have my own youtube channel, where I post videos and stuff, but recently I've been having trouble with doing them, I'm starting to feel more unoriginal and like no one would even really bother watching me. I wouldn't say I joined youtube to become famous, I just wanted to start posting videos, and over time quite a few people began to watch. I don't want to let them down, but I feel like I can't do anything to impress the people who watch my videos. Or I'll make a video and it'll come out horrible (or so I think) and I won't put it up, or I think I'm acting to much like another youtuber, I just feel like I can't be myself or something, or there isn't anything special about me that people want to see.

    Which leads to my next topic. I've struggled with depression this past year, and its gotten better, but recently I've been feeling so worthless and untalented. Every time I look in the mirror, I just hate the person I see. Ugly, untalented, nothing special. Just average. Nothing sets me apart. Just feeling like this has been a huge blow to me, because I want to stand out, I wanna be different, but not in an obvious way. I want to be talented, and I've tried to do something, I just can't. I can't play an instrument, I suck at the majority of sports, I can't draw, I write, but can never usually finish a story. I'm into filmmaking/editing/writing but I don't know if that could be considered a talent.

    WHICH leads me to ANOTHER thing. My dream is to eventually become a film director, but I'm not a great students. I'm starting to believe that no film school will ever want me or take me, and my life is going to go nowhere.

    Nothing I even dream(ed) about myself is happening. I've wanted to be so many things or try new things, and it always ends the same way. Fate comes along and snatches anything good from me. It's the story of my life. Every time something that gives me hope comes along, it just ends, is taken away, doesn't last. Hell, I even have symptoms of dyslexia (only a few signs, not uncommon but more than others), and it just makes me realize more things that are wrong with me. Earlier today I just got on my knees and started crying as I prayed for help, and I asked God why he even bothered creating such a pathetic, untalented, worthless person like me. I ask why he curses my life, and I obviously don't get an answer, I just get more taken from me and more life issues. I know a lot of you guys don't believe in God, I'm just saying what happened. Half the time I feel ignored by everyone and no one values what I have to say. Half the time I even won't respond to a topic here on EC because I feel no one will care about my opinion.

    I honestly have no idea what to do. The only thing that consoled me all day is the thought of coming back here and asking for help.
     
    #1 ANightDude, Jun 23, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  2. Steve712

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    (*hug*)

    I cannot fathom why you'd think you're ugly; your pictures show a kind, adorable guy. :slight_smile:

    I know tyou said before that you cannot get therapy, but you must do something ... Perhaps you could try writing one good paragraph which compliments yourself before you go to sleep each night? I mean, at first you'll just think that you're writing bullshit, but eventually it may sink in.

    It's a suggestion, anyhow. To be honest, I don't know what to say. It always kills me a little bit inside to read about anyone, especially fellow gay guys, feels depressed and depreciates themselves. I'm otherwise unsure of what to say ... but I feel tremendously sorry. I really think that you should tell your mom that you need to see a therapist, badly.
     
  3. Lucky Panda

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    I wish I could slap you; that way, I could slap some sense into you.

    Well, where to start? Personally, from seeing what I have seen from your youtube videos, I honestly do believe you have talent. You have more than me in the area of film making, that's for sure! I couldn't make a film to save my life. What you're lacking is the proper motivation and inspiration. Currently, you're selling yourself for short, and just need to find something that'll bring back your love for the film. Being a wannabe-novelist, I go through a lot of Writer's Block in which I can't think of anything, and usually end up throwing most of my stuff out. I get frustrated and unmotivated with everything I do, eventually leading to some depression. Personally, I don't know how to deal with depression. I usually just watch videos on the web (no, not those! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:) and play a few video games. Within 2-3 days, I kinda get over my slump, realizing that I actually can do something, and try at it, repeating the process.

    As for the school aspect of your problems, all I can say is: A stupid/dumb person wouldn't realize they're stupid/dumb. That isn't much advice, but maybe it'll cheer you up. I'm not very good giving advice, but I hope you get something out of it.

    You're always going to be your own harshest critic. That's just a fact of life. But by getting your work out there for people to see, you'll soon discover that you're not as bas as you take yourself for. Take it from me; I was entertained by your videos. I thought that were clever and funny for the most part. :grin: But you've already heard my side of that, so I'll let you decide.

    Confidence isn't given to you. You have to find it within yourself from the way you impact others (It sounded smarter in my head...). I would suggest you not give up on anything. You honestly have a gift there, and I would love to see you make th best of it.
     
  4. chrisg

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    You say, "Nothing sets me apart." Of course something sets you apart: you're YOU. That's something that no one can take away from you. And don't let a bad grade or two stop you from believing in yourself--if you want to go to school for film, it will happen. Come hell or high water, you will achieve your dreams in magical, fantastic, sometimes unexpected ways. We all have characteristics that we wish we didn't have. For example, I stutter, and I think that it's a terrible, annoying thing to put up with... But it's not limiting, and neither are any of the things that you think are "wrong."

    We all care here at EC. Let your voice enrich and enliven discussions here, confident in the knowledge that you will make a wonderful, unique contribution.
     
  5. Eric

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    To start off, no one is worthless. It's rare that someone has absolutely no talent. If there's anything you love to do, you do it. I haven't watched any of your video's ( although I'd like to ) but if you have a passion for it, chances are it's because deep down you're pretty good at it.

    To take from my own personal experience, I hit a wall earlier this year where it seemed nothing was going right for me. I was having a terrible first semester and felt like crap constantly. Finally when I got to doing what I enjoy, namely tech work with my school, being the stage crew chief for a pretty big school production and participating with the stage crew in a local production of a classic musical, things really started looking up. My point is, the more you focus on what's important for you, the happier you'll be because you will feel as though you accomplished something good.

    Finally, even if you do dislike your own work, I guarantee there are a number of others who appreciate it. I'm not sure if you know who he is, but Franz Kafka was a writer who had never really believed he had talent. He published a few short stories during his lifetime and he wished when he'd die for a friend to incinerate all of his life's work, believing it to be absolutely worthless. He rarely finished his novels (one of which ended mid-sentence), but his friend still decided to have his works published. Kafka is now hailed as being one of, if not the most influential writer of his time and if his friend had respected his dying wishes, no one would even know the man had existed. Kind of a long, sad story just to say that you have to let others judge talent because if you leave it to yourself, you'll be your own biggest obstacle. If your viewers react positively to your videos, there shouldn't be any reason to think you don't have talent.
     
  6. Davy

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    Glad you did ask, its always good to ask for help even if its a hard thing to do.

    Quite simply you have to be comfortable with yourself and accept you for who you are, you have obviously accepted your sexuality which is a great step but there's other things you need to accept about yourself. You may have faults but so does everyone, at the same time you have your strength's, the key is to focus on these and what makes you happy.

    You cant play an instrument, are not the best at sports, can't draw. So what either can i and i am sure the majority of people on these forums are in the same boat. Don't try to push your self to be good at something you are not. Some of the most interesting, talented and fun people i know are good at none of these things. If you want to be interesting and unique, be yourself. Do what makes you happy. You say you don't think filmmaking/editing/writing is a talent, I would say it's a huge talent and the fact you enjoy it will only help you become successful at it in a way you want.

    But don't try to let things get on top of you, i know what it can be like i have been there. And remember if things continue to get you in to a state of depression seek help, there's other's out there who can maybe help. Not sure if it was much help but hope i helped a bit, and look forward to seeing some of these videos.

    You seam like a thoughtful, intelligent and down right good person. I would always Value your opinion and i am sure even although i have only been a member on EC for a short time that everyone else would too.
     
  7. pteen

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    I wouldn't say ugly in fact your one of the cutest guys i know. :eusa_shhh

    And life tends to do that i'm pretty confident that some of the worlds greatest directors and performers never had it easy. But you just pick your self up and keep going. Sometimes you may think know one cares but there are thousands/millions of people on this planet and all have different likes and dislikes. So chances are very high that a lot of people are going to like your performances.

    And not everyone could be a great director so i'd consider that a talent and i'm pretty sure many other people do as well. I personally believe you have lots of talents. As long as you practice and just head towards your goals they can be achieved.

    one thing my parents always tell me is if i put my mind it to something it can be done. At first i didn't believe it i though i was just something they said to get me to lift heavy bags of sand into the truck during the summer. But but as i got older i started believing in it and eventually it began to work. I was never to good at sports but sometimes i'll just play with my friends and i got better. And not that you want to be a programer but i just stuck to it and taught my self how to program computer in two different languages in just 3 years.

    So sorry to make you read this book lol but in conclusion just keep striving for your goals the issues you face now are kinda of like those illusions of water you get when driving on the road on a hot day. It's not really there, sometimes what you think isn't always true.

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) :thumbsup:
     
  8. GoinStag

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    I can kinda relate man. I've had depression for three years (since I was 13) myself. I can't stand what I see in the mirror. I get that feeling of "I'll be lucky if anyone ever wants me" when I think about getting a boyfriend. But we tend to over-analyze ourselves, and since nobody knows us better than ourselves, we see the tiniest little things that nobody else even notices. After some altercations at school and a few meetings with councilors I was put on anti-depressants.

    Also, I don't know a lot of people who look in the mirror and are turned on by themselves. We live in a society were the best is expected. Trust me, you are faaarrr from ugly lol as for being a film director, just keep doing what you're doing. Even if you were the best film director in the world, people are gonna criticize. I'm not that great of a student myself. I failed my freshman year of high school (2008/2009 school year), re-did freshman year again, and now I may have failed...AGAIN...you can't judge yourself on your grades, that has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. Not being an A+ with the books doesn't make you stupid. You seem like you have drive and ambition. Message me if you need to talk, seriously.
     
  9. olides84

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    I think you are really selling yourself short, while at the same time defining some unrealistic expectations. For example, your youtube videos (I've seen some of them) stand out for the main reason that they reflect your personality. And that personality is unique. If you look at quasi-successful youtubers out there, most aren't constantly thinking of new, outrageous things to impress their viewers. They just play on everyday life/things and stamp it with their unique perspective and their viewers enjoy them. You typically don't make friends by impressing people, but just by being yourself.

    Of course your post was about more important things than youtube. But in any of your endeavors, you simply need to allow your talents and personality to shine through. And understand that disappointments and bumps in the road are inevitable and that you do learn from them. With all that, and considering your age (sorry to play the age card), you have a whole world wide open for you.