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A good talk

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zzzero, Jun 26, 2010.

  1. zzzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
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    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So last night I went out with my friend J and his gay friend, who he's wanted to hook me up with for a while I guess. I'v hung out with him about 3 times now, and we had a great time everytime but I am just terrible at reading him so I dunno if he's into me at all, but he knows i'm gay. Anyways. We had a great time and then J drove me home and we just walked around and talked for like 3 hours.

    I'm not out to my family or roommates yet and we had a good long discussion about how I am way over thinking this. He thinks, and he's probably right, that gay guys make such a huge deal about sexuality and it's not such a huge deal to straight people. We talked for a long time about how I want everyone to know and I want it to just be over with. I'm out on FB but obviously no one checks there. To him, I shouldn't make a big deal. I shouldnt have to sit people down and tell them and make such a huge deal. The way he sees it, we shouldn't have to do that, we shouldn't be afraid of just being ourselves. And I tried bringing up the argument that he doesnt understand that there's something missing there and if people dont know there's always that fear of not being accepted. But he said, though he's straight now, and he knows that for sure, he DIDNT always know that. He dated a guy once. (which makes me jealous because i'm actually gay and he's straight and I'v never dated anyone). However, he's also the kind of person who leaves a restaurant and thanks everyone who works there before he leaves. He knows someone everywhere we go. He's just able to overlook thos awkward situations and make them less awkward I guess.

    I loved the conversation and it really inspired me, but I'm having trouble because I keep thinking WAY too much about this. Like I need to just do it without thinking and get it over with I guess right?

    I guess this is more of me just talking about something that happened. I was just curious about what other people think.

    Should this be such a big deal?
    Do we blow this whole thing way out of proportion?
    Is this site making it more difficult by making it seem like a bigger deal than it really is?
     
  2. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Of course we blow it out of proportion. We have been taught to not be gay and that its a horrible thing thing. Well, most of us.

    There are some people that are able to just do it and not think about it. That's just how they are and there is nothing wrong with that. There is also nothing wrong with really thinking about it, unless it stops you from being happy.

    I had to force myself to stop thinking about it and just do it. In order to do that I had to go through a whole process though, which wasn't easy for me at all, but I got there.

    I think this site's message is actually about just coming out safely and with the least amount of complications, that's all. If you read all the coming out sotries, the OP always ends the thread by saying that they were overthinking it and he/she tells people to just do it and to not be afraid.

    Hope that made sense. I'm beyond tired haha xD
     
  3. Markio

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    To paraphrase from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "Thinking a lot is not bad, unless you do it to keep from participating in life. That's bad."

    I think it's the same idea as "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from swinging," or whatever. Coming out can be very crucial when you're not out to a lot of people yet, or at least not out to people who matter to you. It can affect how you see yourself. However, if you stay away from events you would enjoy because you're afraid someone will find out that you're gay there, then you'd be letting the opinions of others rule your life.

    I guess just try and focus on what you can do, as opposed to what you cannot. And be sure to see the distinction between what is impossible and what is simply hard. Serenity prayer and stuff.
     
  4. paco

    paco Guest

    i think J does have some really good points and ideas, and i think for the most part that he's right and we do make a bigger deal about it than it really is.

    but unfortunately not everyone else is as open minded as J. so yes, we make a big deal about it, but it's because we're exposed to people that make a big deal about it. in a perfect world we wouldn't have to come out and we wouldn't have to think about it; but we do so it's tough.

    my definitive answer is that he's right in some circumstances and you're right in others. the trouble is distinguishing which circumstances are which. we do tend to get overprotective of ourselves in the interest of self preservation, but every so often it would probably be a good idea to step back and try to look at the situation from a bigger perspective and get over that need to feel safe and warm and cuddly.
     
  5. gaz83

    gaz83 Guest

    i think we just dont want people to change how they think about us. telling people that we are gay might make some act difefrently around us in fear we could hit on them lool. its like if someone is ill and they want to be treated the same it never usually happens. that person would be treated like a china bowl if yu think about it.