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firend is uncomfortable

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stevie, Jun 27, 2010.

  1. stevie

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    sure this has happened to many of you. one of my good freinds told me about 6 mos ago when i told him i was gay that he was totally cool with it. i have noticed he is more aloof around me, and has been. i call him, we talk like things are fine, but he never initiates a call. finally i got the nerve to ask him if there is anything wrong. he said no but.....
    then he whimpishly told me its weird for him that i like guys in "that" way. he confirmed my suspensions he is uncomfortable
    any suggestions how i handle this with him
    give him space?
    stop calling him?
    he has been a good freind, i am not attracted to him. do i write him off???




































    stop callin
     
  2. theJosephDean

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    Hmm, I'm not sure what you should do, but I know that you don't need to drop him as a friend. Yes, he's uncomfortable with it, but he still treats you as a friend, yeah? I take this to mean that he's trying to be okay with the idea, but admitting it to you shows that he needs a little help. Hmm. Maybe one day ask him if he would be okay talking about it, and you could answer his questions (you know he has them) and try to explain who you are. See if that might help him wrap his mind around it.
     
  3. stevie

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    thanks, it is so difficult to talk to him about it because he clams up and says its fine, except the one time he said its weird for him. he used to call all the time, or text, he never initiates any communication
    but he still does respond
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi there! That's bit of a tough one but I would perhaps try to give him a bit of space for a bit of time. Maybe try not to hang out as much as you do at the moment, or try calling him a bit less. Sometimes, even good friends, depending on their own socialization and upbringing, need a bit of time to come around to it and be comfortable with the idea of having a gay friend.

    At the same time, when you are together, allow him to see that your sexual orientation doesn't affect your friendship at all, and that in fact he has the opportunity to learn a bit more about you. Let him know that you value his friendship and that you are willing to talk about anything with him or answer any questions he might have.

    A bit of space/distance and reconfirmation that you are the same person and are just being yourself and more open about yourself, can go a long way in him realizing that his feelings are unfounded.

    I certainly wouldn't write off the friendship at this stage but what I would suggest is that perhaps in the meantime, while giving him a bit of space, you try to forge a couple of new friendships or try to forge closer bonds with other friends as well.

    Hope this helps a bit!
     
  5. Eric

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    I think the last two suggestions sum it up quite well. It's not like he's trying to avoid you, it's probably a case of him not being able to relate to you. When I told my best friend I was gay, he was visibly uncomfortable with it, but he sort of understood after having asked me questions. I was actually surprised that he was that receptive considering he doesn't really like talking about that kind of stuff.

    Remember that having a gay friend is new for him. It might take a little time for him to understand that you're still the same person you were before coming out.
     
  6. Chip

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    If it's been 6 months, it sounds like he's struggling a little bit. Perhaps he has some qustions about his own sexuality (not that he's necessarily gay or bi, but just genuinely questioning). If that's the case, he probably doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it, and is pulling back a little; I had that experience with a couple of friends.

    I would not write off the friendship. As the others have said, give it time and a little space, model appropriate behavior around him, maybe pull back just a little and avoid talking about "gay" things around him for a while (if you even do at all) and reinforce the idea that you're the same person.

    And... honor the fact that he was honest with you. Tell him that you really appreciate his telling you the truth, and you know it must have been hard, and you want to do whatever helps him to feel the most comfortable, and you can accept that it may take time, or that he may need space. Perhaps simply by having that level of "safety" set up, he will start to feel more comfortable.
     
  7. stevie

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    you guys are awesome, thanks for the help from all of you.