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Rough Past. I need to let go.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GoinStag, Jun 29, 2010.

  1. GoinStag

    In Loving Memory

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    Metro Detroit, Michigan
    This is going to be kinda long. I don't know what I'm looking for. My councilor keeps telling me to "let go of the past" and I can't. I'm just depressed and I need to vent and I need support. You guys are really good at giving that. Growing up, my Dad worked midnights, so I didn't really see him. So basically I spent a lot of time with my Mom. My 2 sisters and I (3rd one is my Dad's from his 1st marriage) didn't go to school. My Mom says she home-schooled us but we really just met at a library with real home-schoolers like once I week. Looking back on everything I had it made like nobodies business.

    Well when I was 7, this guy named Todd moved in around the block from us. He moved in next door to my Aunt. You can probably see where this is going. He had a son a year and a half younger than me. Well, my Mom started going to my Aunt's and became "friends" with Todd. In the back of my head, it just didn't feel right. I just played it off as me being paranoid though. Until one day, me and his son, Ryan, were up in his room playing Gamecube or something and Ryan said "I hate to tell you this but I think your Mom might like my Dad". I just said "yeah right" or something. I just blocked all of these thoughts out of my Mind for months. Then, there was this one night. I was on the computer and my parents were arguing. It didn't bother me. I thought nothing of it. After probably an hour, my Mom came in. She said "I'm going to go over to Grandma and Grampa's for a while". I asked her if she was coming back and she told me she was gonna stay the night there. About 30 minutes after that my Dad called me into the living room. I remember this part vividly. I was eating crackers. When I walked in the living room my Dad and my oldest sister (the one from his 1st marriage) were sitting on the couch. I sat down and my Dad just looked at me and said "me and your Mom are getting a divorce". I immediately started crying. About a week later, my Mom and Todd took me and Todd's son to Cesar Land (idk if they have that anywhere else). When we were leaving, I waited in the car. My Mom was talking to Todd and it was dark out. After about 10 minutes, he leaned in and kissed her. Once again, flooded with emotions. I told my Mom I saw her and started crying and she gave her half-ass apology. On top of being an alcoholic my Dad had a horrible temper. By this time he knew what was going on. Every time my Mom and I were at Todd's house, when we were leaving, I'd beg her to tell my Dad we were at the movies or something, 'cause I hated when they'd fight. He of course we go psycho when we'd get home. I remember one time he was like "get out of my house you bitch" and basically kicked my Mom in the ribs out the front door. I was just sitting on the ground crying. I felt so helpless. The police came to take me Dad away about 15 minutes later. The next 2 times the police were called, were by our neighbors. Once my parents finally divorced I started noticing weird shit about Todd. I don't feel like getting into all of it 'cause it would require way more typing.

    I started school in 4th grade. It was a private school, K-8th grade, so at least I would be starting school with my sister right? Wrong. 2 days in, she stopped going. She had been cutting herself. So now I was really alone. Me and my sisters warned my Mom about Todd for the 4 years they were together and she didn't listen. Finally, all those things came out after they broke up. She admits to turning on me, and yes she refers to it as that, but she won't apologize. On top of that, she's been having an affair with a married muslim guy (we're catholic) for the past 2 years, but I'll get into that later. Since 2004 I've been losing family members like crazy. In 2004, my Uncle Jesse died of heart failure because of years of drinking. Also in 2004, my Uncle Gabe (who I was named after.Really just Dad's best friend) died of a cocain overdose when he was with my Dad. January 2007 my 13 year old cousin who I was closest to died in a car accident. 7 months later her Mom died, she was rollerblading, slipped, and slammed her head so hard on the ground her brain was jammed to the front of her skull. Not even a month later, another cousin died from a Xanax overdose. Summer 2009 my Grandpa dies, and like 3 months later my Uncle (my Dad's other best friend) dies of cancer. It doesn't help that I've had depression since I was 13. I've had a crush on this teacher at my school for like 2 years now and I think he knows and is just fucking with my head (I have a thread on it).

    I used to look up to my Mom and now I can't even respect her because of her relationship with a married man. I feel so trapped. My councilor says I need to let go of the past and I know that but it's not easy. Now I come to find out I may have failed 9th grade for the 2nd fucking time. I need some support. Please.