Alright EC I need your help, yet again. My friend called me tonight in tears, his wife left him. He told me he had been visiting a porn site where you chat and send naked picks with people. He’d done this a few months ago, and I guess his wife found the pics. She left him a note and her ring on his computer. When he called I told him how stupid he was for doing such a thing, but here is where I need the help. I’m going to see him at work tomorrow, as fate would have it we are scheduled to work together. Tonight I was harsh reality guy, but tomorrow I want to be supportive guy. Problem is: this isn’t my strong suit. Any advice folks? I’ll take what I can get. This guy is my best friend and he was super supportive of me when I came out (If anyone read my thread about coming out to my best friend, this is the one.) so I'd like to return the favor, I know he screwed up and he knows it too, I'm look for supportive advice, not "you deservie this" advice. Thanks
I dont think he deserved it at all. Relationship where one person thinks the other person should cease all thoughts about other people are really just abusive if you ask me. No one can avoid thinking about others and many married couples still watch porn and jerk off. Now I understand he was trading pictures but his wife totally over reacted here. She should have taken the time to talk to him about it. She should have understood that he has needs and he wants to fulfill them. It's not like he went out and had sex with someone else, right? So what she should have done is confronted him about it, talked it through and come to a conclusion on what they should do as a couple. Maybe it was a stupid thing to do, but it's not like him doing this really affected their relationship with one another. I'm sure if he had told her about it she would have been just as mad, so she cant really say it's a trust issue. This is nothing to get divorced over. Not even close to a REAL issue. Are they generally happy with eachother? Do they seem to enjoy being with eachother? Would he ever consider cheating on her? Is there any reason he cant trust her or vice versa? Honestly, I don't think this is a huge deal. I'm sure all she has to say is that she doesnt approve of him doing that and if he continues, she wont be able to stay with him. You cant just get up and leave someone for one stupid mistake. When people say that communication is what keeps relationships going, it's true. If they sit down and talk it out, i'm sure they'll come to a conclusion that they can both agree to. He's clearly upset about the situation and probably regrets doing it. I doubt he'd have a problem NOT doing that, but he should discuss the fact that he is still a man and he has needs that need to be met sexually. If she isn't willing to help him meet those needs, she needs to be understanding that he needs to ahve them met elsewhere. Commitment to one person isnt about never thinking about anyone else, it's about not acting on those feelings. Happily married people dont stop thinking about other people all together. They think about other people and come home to the ones they really love. Sex and love do not always need to go together.
+1 couldnt have said it any better. almost sounds like she was looking for an excuse to leave. She has the right to be upset but she did over react. he should give her some space and some time for her to calm down and then he needs to speak to her and if shes not open to the idea or wont listen to reason then she wasnt mature or ready enough for marriage.
One way to be supportive is to "relate" instead of "advise." Let him speak, and mirror him, which is where you say things like: "Let me see if I have this straight ..." "It sounds like you ..." "I can see you're ..." And you describe back to him what he's telling you, which lets him reflect on what he's feeling. Of course, if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it, it's a good idea not to make him talk. You could reassure him, "I'm sorry to hear about what happened. If you ever want to just talk, I'm here for you, man." And if Lex posts, listen to him. His posts usually end in a smiley face.
Wow. Umm did this girl he was trading pictures with have a dick and an adam's apple? If not his wife is totally overreacting. All guys jerk off she should know that. Now on what to say to him, maybe something along the lines of "she was just a little shocked and upset about it. She's going to come back she just needs a little time to cool down".
