One of the people I work with was a son who is going through some issues at the moment and has asked her to arrange for him to see the school counsellor. Typical loving mother that she is wants to get to the bottom of what's up with him and has done as he asked and made an appointment with the counsellor. The problem is that now she is practically interrogating the poor lad to try and get it out of him and even said to him that if it's being gay (we've all had our suspicions for a number of years, he's 16) it's not a problem. This he flat out denied, he's straight, but she won't let it lie and it's causing the son to pull away from what was a very loving relationship with his Mum. Anyway the lad was working with us because most of the staff (family run pub) had gone on a family holiday and our regular glass collector, me, was covering bar work, and he was asking if I had any time off booked that he could cover for me, and I said yeah, I'm going away in September and there might be one day in August that will need covering I'd have to see who the boss puts down for cover but I'd suggest him. He then asked what I was doing on the 7th August was I going to a party or something. I told him I wasn't, that I was going to Liverpool Pride, so I asked him if he's not covering for me, does he want to come with us (Me, his cousins partner and some friends and work colleagues from our day jobs). He jumped at the offer even if it's only for a couple of hours then he comes back to work. The next night he mentioned that he liked a couple of my rainbow bracelets, so I gave them to him. Over the week there where other little comments that set my gaydar off at a high pitched scream. He mentioned that he's obsessed with Pink and that she has a huge gay fan base, so I copied all her CDs for him and bought him a 5'x3' Funhouse poster, he practically recited the entire pride calendar venues off to me and even referred to the gay quarter in Manchester as Canal Street and that he'd like to go see what Manchester Pride and Canal Street are like one day. Fast forward to last night, it was the first time his mum and I had been on the same shift and I was dropping her at home after work. She flat out asked me to push him out of the closet, which I adamantly refused to do. She got pretty upset that I wouldn't tell him he had to come out. So I explained it to her as gently as I could something like this; “He's 16, yes he's your son, but he's also in the process of becoming a very rounded young man. He's allowed to see the doctors ant therapists on his own, and make his own decisions and the last thing he needs if he is gay or straight or questioning his sexuality (which is where I think he is) is his mother trying to push him in a direction that he's not ready to go in, and I won't help you do that. I also would never betray his trust in me, and discuss any thing that he chose to talk to me about in confidence, but I can reassure you that, when and if he does tell me that he's gay, bi or even just a straight ally, he will always have my support and I'll emphasize that he has nothing to fear from his family and friends what ever decision he may come to. Trust from a teenager takes a long time to build, seconds to shatter and a life time to rebuild and I will not compromise the relationship we've built up by reporting back to mum.” I think she realised that I have his best interests at heart and when we got to her house she hugged me and said, “You know if he'd asked me to go with just (cousin and partner) I'd have said no, I know what they are like when they are out, trouble seems to find them, or they would be overpowering father figures and not let him move from their side, I wouldn't have been comfortable him going with just them, but he can go if he's with you, you will give him the space to explore the experience, but be there to keep him out of safe. I and I know what ever happens at Pride stays at Pride” To which I added “unless he wants to tell you”
Aww, you sound very nice. I think all of us who are coming out would love a friend like you - an older out person who we could open up to. Sounds to me like he is gay due to his extreme interest in the bracelets, Pink, Pride parades, etc. At least he has an accepting mother, even if she is trying to pull him out of the closet. I'd just keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't rip too hard or he'll just retreat even deeper most likely - I know I would.
Usually parents come to the understanding that the individuation process involves a child beginning to keep things from his parents. It's hard when it's sensitive stuff like this, but it's important to allow the child to have privacy on those matters. It sounds like you did a good job of conveying that to her, and hopefully she got it
I think she's got the message to back off a bit, she's had pretty mutch the same conversation with every gay member of the family (I'm not family but as near as you can get, grown up calling them all aunty or uncle) of which there are 7 that are out (family moto that I've heard some many times from them is "being gay isn't a choice and neither is acceptance" so much so when I decided to come out about 18 months ago, it was my extended family that helped me to come out to my real family), don't force him and trust him and us because when he's ready we will all be there with open ears, hearts and arms (and rainbow bracelets, banners and Pride Parades if thats what he wants)to accept him for who he is
Describes EVERY SINGLE SERIOUS CONVERSATION I have had with my own mother. I commend you for talking some sense into her. In a civilized manner, of course.
It's a huge family, his mum has 4 brothers and 2 sisters, his dad is the middle of nine, the youngest of which is a girl that his grandad said was the reason they kept having kids he really wanted his daddies little girl to walk down the isle on her special day, but he recently gained another daughter as he put it when daddies little girl married another daddies little girl. Then two of his mums cousins are gay and lesbian and both have long term partners that gets your LGBT quota to 6. Then there's me and as I said in my first post, I'm practically family so theres your 7, so I think it's safe to say he has a pretty close nit support group around him whatever turns out to be his destiny.
