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Please help me define FRIEND and FRIENDSHIP

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by D_Alejandro, Jul 5, 2010.

  1. D_Alejandro

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    So this is more of a rant BUT also something that I need help with. I'm sure a lot of you could relate to this too.

    So here we go: During the past few years, I've had to deal with some people who stop talking to me overnight like it's nothing. Some were good friends, some were associates, and two were two best friends. One I lost b.c he turned into this immature idiot and besides, he was against gay people, saying things like "All fags should die in hell of aids" and all this nonsense. Since I was coming out, I figured, "Why bother with him?" He wasn't going to accept me anyways, so that wasn't as hard as I thought.

    The second friend randomly stopped contacting me. I would try and contact her and she would not reply, and if she did, it would be weeks after saying how busy she was.

    You see, ALL relationships, in my opinion, should be a TWO way. ANYTHING that is one way is NOT healthy and a complete waste of time. This is what happened to this friend. I felt like I was doing ALL the work to keep in touch, and it's not like she was doing any efforts to stay in touch or showed any desires of continuing the friendship. Since this was not going anywhere, I confronted her about it, only to have her turn it all on me, saying how I was blowing it out of proportion. The thing is, that all my life I've always thought that friends were people who cared about each other and tried their best to stay in touch no matter what. YES, I realize people have ridiculously busy lives, and we are living in a fast paced world where there is NO time for anything, trust me, I KNOW.

    I figured that I would just ignore her for good, and that was that. Again, I was the one hurt.

    Recently, there have been some people whom I would consider good friends ignore me. Example: A girl who I worked with and talked to regularly on facebook and text. She went to study abroad and when she came back, she completely forgot about me. I sent her a message on facebook but she didn't even reply....

    What bugs me the most, is that people suddenly stop talking to me and don't give me a reason why. I realize that everyone can do whatever they want, and they don't even have to give me a reason, WHATEVER, but it would be nice to know. What did I do? Did I say something? I consider myself a great person, so you can see how this disturbs me on a whole lot of levels. I'm nice, caring, friendly, and loyal.

    There are those who HAVE stayed in touch with me and I do consider them part of my inner circle...but all these others who I thought were good friends and stopped talking to me/ignored me overnight like it ain't nothing....that hurts, a lot! And I don't think they care either. It's like they treat you like a disposable card in their deck of people and think nothing of it. I don't want to be seen as an accessory or some disposable card.

    Do you guys get where I'm coming from? I feel awful...and I DO NOT want to give those people power over me and my emotions...but I can't help it if I'm an emotional/caring person. I think people have different views of what friend or friendship is. For me, I have ALWAYS treasured the friendships that I make....but to those who don't seem to give a sh*t overnight, maybe not....I just don't get it.

    I don't want to make myself a victim, but this truly has NOT helped my views of humanity (which aren't that good to begin with!).

    Why do people do this? I've given up on trying to find out for myself. I just don't see a reason why. Also, I DO NOT want to come across like some whinny little child, but damn, my feelings are f**kin' hurt. Can anyone else relate to this? Do you guys need more examples? I left out the people whom I lost friendships with b.c of drama/fights/conflicts (since that's a natural and legitimate reason why people stop talking to each other).

    I honestly have NO idea what the definition of friend or friendship is anymore...I truly don't. :help:

    Thoughts? :/
     
  2. malachite

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    From reading your post you seem to have pretty good handle on what a friend is. It IS a two way street. Unfortunatly people are selfish and REAL friends are a rare item these days.
     
  3. D_Alejandro

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    I guess they are.... :/
     
  4. Markio

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    My counselor once told me this: "It is very hard to take care of others when you do not first take care of yourself. It's like when you're on an airplane, and the oxygen masks come down. You secure your own mask first. If you try to secure your friend's mask before your own, you suffocate."

    You may not want to give people power over your emotions, but you do just that when you put friends before yourself and rely on them to make you happy. You can still be loyal and caring, but make sure that you make yourself a priority: care about yourself first, and stay loyal to your beliefs first.
     
  5. olides84

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    I'm gonna try to give you another perspective. I know we like to say friendship is a two-way street, but people are very different, so maybe the streets are too :slight_smile: Beyond reading your post here, I've noticed how caring and compassionate you are in your replies to others looking for support on EC. But others are not built that way, and it's not so simple to say that they are not friends, or good friends, or caring friends. For example, I try to be helpful when needed, and I try to be responsive, but at times it may be a long while between making contact with my friends. I don't know why...it's not that I'm ultra-busy or anything like that...I'm just not the person who needs/wants constant interaction with my friends. But I still believe I'm a good friend, and will definitely be there when it's needed.
     
  6. Sylver

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    I can empathize with you completely. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past who just abandoned me and left me feeling exactly like you are feeling now, and I know that it's a horrible miserable feeling. Nobody deserves that. I know what it's like to want to give up on humanity because some people can be so uncaring and thoughtless.

    Friendship is complicated, and it's also one of the most misunderstood and most taken for granted of human interactions. I don't profess to have all the answers, but let me focus in on a few key points.

    First of all, I have heard others say that people like you and me make too big a deal about friends.. they would say that if a friend snubs you, then just walk away and find another friend. I know that such advice does not take your feelings into consideration at all - it diminishes the hurt that you have, and that is wrong. I more than suspect that people who are quick to dispense such advice are also quick to dispose of friends at their leisure. In my opinion a person who can't understand the emotional investment that goes into a true friendship is not good friend material.

    The second thing is something you have said - that friendship is a two-way street. Really think about what this means. It means that both parties have to want it as much as the other for it to work. In this regard it's no different than the very strongest of human relationships. It means that you can't force a friendship on someone who doesn't want one - that will usually result in heartache down the road.

    It very importantly means you have to be judicious about who you allow into your inner circle. You can't just allow yourself to get deeply invested in "prospects" in the hope that they will "come around" and warm up to you because you're a nice person and a loyal friend. You must guard that inner circle with all your strength, and only let people in once they have proven themselves beyond a doubt. Some friends may never make it there, but will remain friends nonetheless; that's ok, because not all your friends are going to be close, and this way you don't emotionally over-invest yourself in them.

    Another important thing that you have hinted at - friends have to work at a friendship. Both of them. If you feel that you're doing all the work.. then you probably are. Working at a friendship means compromising for the sake of your friend - if your friend has specific concerns or securities they need from the friendship, you try to accommodate them. It means trying to understand each other.. working through the miscommunications and each other's quirks to be able to read each other at a distance. Sometimes when your friend says she is too busy to talk with you, that might be the truth. But you should be able to tell based on the trust you have built up in each other. Without that trust - how do you know for sure?

    And really, your inner circle friendships must be based on trust. Here's a test - if the other person suddenly stops talking to you and disappears off the face of the earth for a few days without as much as a word, can you implicitly trust that they have not left you and are coming back, and that there's a good reason why they couldn't tell you in advance? In a true and honest friendship, the answer must be yes. And both must have this kind of trust in each other. Because then you know that the inevitable little bumps in the road are not anything more than that.

    Communication is hugely important in a friendship. It's the pulse that keeps a friendship alive when you're not physically with each other. No friend should just stop talking to you or ignore your contacts.. but I'll venture to say that there was probably evidence leading up to this that you may have overlooked in the hope that your intuition was wrong. Trust your intuition - if it feels like something is wrong, pursue it. Ask the person outright, long before they stop talking to you. If they are any friend at all, they will answer you, preferably honestly, but you should be able to read between the lines and see what is happening. There are almost always clues but we choose to ignore them.

    Those are two major problems that many of us are guilty of. We ignore our intuitions when we get the sense that something is going wrong.. because our emotions and fear of loss cloud our view of what's really happening. And we are hesitant or even afraid to talk to our friends about the friendship itself; yet close friends should be open with each other.

    I know how painful this experience is for you, but see if you can learn from it. See if there are things you can do differently next time that will make this miserable outcome less likely with future friendships. Be more discriminating about who you let in; you have every right to protect your emotions.

    And never ever apologize for being an emotional person. All humans have emotions, and we should have the right to live these emotions to the fullest. We should not have to build up rock-solid exteriors just because others can be inconsiderate jerks.

    From me to you --> (*hug*)
     
  7. D_Alejandro

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    Thank you guys for the advice. I really appreciate it. Thanks for taking time to read my post and taking time to give me your best thoughts and opinions.

    James, thanks for the long post! I will read it again to make sure I understand everything you have said. You do have a lot of strong points regarding this subject...I'll just have to read it again to make sure that I understand all of it...it's quite a lot to take in! But thank you so much for taking time to post it and share it with me (and the rest of us). I really appreciate it. :slight_smile:


    I guess TRUE friends ARE rare to find these days...that's such a sad thing, seeing as friendship was such an easy thing to establish in the past...but now the way life is, it seems tougher.