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What should my next move be?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by rerocks, Jul 5, 2010.

  1. rerocks

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    I'm currently in the closet and going into my last year of college. When I started college my attitude was "meh" about coming out, but the desire to come out has been growing stronger. I would say I want to come out.

    I don't really understand why, but part of it (to me) is finding a relationship. I want to get into a relationship before telling many people. Is that weird or unrealistic? I'm pretty shy and reserved though, so I don't know how to go out and make that happen. Going to a gay bar or something is frightening. LGBT organization stuff too, honestly. It doesn't help that I don't feel I really identify with a lot of the gay culture (maybe that would change more once I'm out?)

    I fear my story of a shy college kid looking for a way out of the closet is cliche but any advice or kick in the ass is appreciated.
     
    #1 rerocks, Jul 5, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2010
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! :slight_smile:

    People come out in different ways and during different stages in their lives. If you want to have a relationship before coming out to a lot of people, that is totally fine! Do what ever you feel comfortable with or feel is right for you.

    I think what might help you a bit in becoming comfortable and perhaps joining a few LGBT social events, which could help you in getting to know others and finding someone, if you try coming out a close or a good friend. Do you have a friend that you trust enough and know would be accepting and supporting to whom you could come out to?

    It is quite common to fear joining and being part of the campus LGBT group. God knows, it took me ages *cough* three years, to join a LGBT group, before I finally decided enough is enough and went in. And the rest is history.... There are different things you could do to prepare yourself for joining the group. Maybe walk past the group's office, have a read through the information on their door, or on their website (if they have one). Maybe try e-mailing one of the members and mention that you would like to get to know a few other gay college students. Most groups are very approachable and willing to help out. Sometimes, talking to others who have or are going through the coming out process can really help in becoming even more comfortable with yourself and starting the coming out process. Talking to someone of the group, you already know that he/she will be accepting, which could also put some of your fears of acceptance at ease.

    To join a group, or be part of LGBT social events, do you have to identify with the gay culture? Not really. All that is really important is that you try to be yourself and enjoy being part of the group.
     
  3. george678

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    I always wanted that. Maybe you should wait till you come out. It might be easier then.
     
  4. Markio

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    I can see the advantages of being in a relationship before coming out to people. For one thing, it gives you a reason to bring up being gay. For another, it sort of proves to the person you're coming out to that you aren't confused about your sexuality, if you can really date another guy. So it's not really weird to want to be in a relationship before coming out.

    One thing to consider is, to whom would you want to come out? Do you have any close friends at college? Friends who have other gay friends are usually really accepting. I didn't know anyone at my college to come out to, so I told a gay friend online via facebook first.

    Another thing to consider is finding a LGBT discussion or support group in your area or at your college. Unlike a GSA, where the focus is on advocating for gay rights, discussion groups allow people in the community to talk more freely about the personal without it being political.

    As for not really identifying with a lot of the gay culture, that's pretty common. I enjoyed clubbing twice before I could no longer stand it. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I also don't like Lady Gaga or skinny jeans, but it's not really important whether you fit in to the fashion of gay culture or whatever. The rainbow flag is supposed to show diversity in its colors anyway.

    Even if your story is cliche, that does not make it any less meaningful or important. :slight_smile: That's like saying taking cold medicine when you have a cold is cliche.
     
  5. rerocks

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    Dude, spot on; those are just about my exact thoughts. Thanks for your understanding.

    Joining a LGBT group does seem to be a popular recommendation so I should probably look into it, although probably only from afar for now :slight_smile: Mirko, I guess It's been 3 years for me at college that I should have joined one, so maybe I'll adopt the same timing.


    I have an internal list of close friends that I would consider telling, even ranked (roughly) from best to worst to come out to. It's just really hard to make the step to tell them, and then what's the next step? It's totally out of my control. I may gain full support and be introduced to some gay friends one of which I totally dig and go from there. Or maybe get nowhere, is the fear. I wish it was a little more under my control but I guess that's where pushing myself out into the LGBT community comes in as a better choice than I may have thought before...
     
  6. GoinStag

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    You don't necessarily have to go to gay bars, a lot of people aren't into that kinda stuff. As for having a boyfriend before coming out, I think not only do you want a boyfriend, but you also want someone who will motivate you. I could be wrong, but that's what I got out of it lol.
     
  7. Sylver

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    My one recommendation, make sure you are truly accepting of your own sexuality before you get into a relationship. Be careful not to use the relationship as a way to get comfortable with being gay. That will put pressure on the relationship and could complicate things. Take all the time you need to accept who you are and then seek out a relationship from a position of strength and in a positive mindspace. That will increase the odds that you will find someone who is good for you rather than the first person who comes along to validate your identity.

    And don't worry about the "gay culture".. I've found that your lifestyle is what you make it - it can include stereotypical gay stuff but there's no law saying that it has to. Homosexuality is a sexual attraction towards the same gender, not the definition of a culture. There are cultural circles in the LGBT community, but you are not obligated to be a part of them if they don't fit you. I am proudly gay but I am not part of the "scene" and I have no interest in being part of it. I have no problem with that.
     
  8. caclemor

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    One of my personal recommendations before coming out is be secure in yourself and love yourself. Realize that by coming out and being who you are is one of the first steps to acceptance.

    I also recommend reading a great book called the Velvet Rage.

    And as for identifying with gay culture...no one says, and there is no rule that you have to be a bear, drag queen, twink, etc. to be gay. Nor do you have to be in the culture. There are many happy gay people that don't live in the "gay enclaves" or "gay culture." However, it is nice to be around others who are like yourself.

    Plus there are hundreds and thousands of social gay groups cycling, hiking, theater, wine tasting, etc. that give you the opportunity to socialize without pressure.

    Just be you and enjoy the journey.
     
  9. Mirko

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    Hi there! That's good! If you feel that you are comfortable with your sexuality and are ready to take the first steps as it were, why not pick the friend that is on top of your list and try coming out to that friend. Presumably, that friend is trustworthy, will be accepting and supportive, and you are comfortable with him/her knowing.

    One thing that would help you in coming out to that friend is to remind yourself as to why you have placed that friend on the top of your list. Being out, even if it is just to one or two friends, could also also help you in joining a support group on campus and some LGBT social events either on campus or in your community. Before you come out, try standing in front of a mirror and say out loud to yourself that "I want to come out to my friend at the top of the list." See how you feel. If you feel good, think about in which way you would be most comfortable with. If on the other hand you feel that something doesn't feel right, give yourself the time to become ready to come out.

    The next step after coming out is to enjoy your life the way it is meant to be. For most, once they come out, they are relieved that at least one person knows and understands what they are going through. If you trust your friend and know that your friend won't out you to others, you still have control over your coming out process.

    Take it one step at a time. There is no need to rush.
     
  10. malachite

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    start with one person, someone you trust, once you take that first step you will find it is easier.
     
  11. rerocks

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    I don't know for sure (how does one know that) but I like to think I am comfortable with my sexuality. Maybe not very experienced (not at all except solo) in practicing it, but I accept it, I feel comfortable with it, and I find it hard to imagine it changing. A huge part of it is just to be honest with myself and others; I decided years ago that I did not want to live a straight man because that's just a lie. But here I am, still in that comfort zone of the closet (comfortable if only because it is all I know.)

    social gay groups sound interesting, although as with any club it's a little intimidating to join without a friend or without a real passion for the activity. What social gay groups are around Columbus, Ohio I wonder... I really should be able to find something. According to Wikipedia: "[Columbus, OH] has been rated as one of the best cities in the country for gays and lesbians to live, and also as the most underrated gay city in the country" oh why am I so naive with this stuff. It seems clear coming out is something I should do in college, here, even though I originally planned not to come out in college.

    As far as coming out to a close friend, it's definitely been something I've been calculating, as I've mentioned. The words Mirko said here about coming out to a friend really makes me want to do it. Unfortunately, there is no perfect person but there are a couple good people. I think it's too easy to get wrapped up in school and work though and coming out gets pushed to the back of the mind. Recently, on my last break, it came from the back of my mind full force, and has been lingering since...