Taking the first step...

So now I'm out to my close friends and they didn't care. I didn't think they would. But now I've been putting off coming out to my parents. They went on a 2 week vacation and got back two days ago. I didn't want to come out before that and ruin their vacation so I told myself I'd come out to them when they got back. Well that time is now. I leave for school in mid-August and want to be out by then, so I have about a month.

It's two short words, "I'm gay". But it feels impossible. It's too easy to just continue putting it off and not even thinking about it, just saying "I'll do it in the future".

I can't take the first step by bringing it up. My relationship with my parents is not a very open one, we don't talk about feelings or anything and everything is as non-confrontational as possible. The only idea I've thought of is to e-mail my mom at work and tell her I want to talk about "school/moving" that night with her and my dad...and then once they're sitting down just drop the real bomb. That way I'll be forced into talking with them. I just don't even know if I'd do it then though. The thought of it now just made me feel sick to my stomach. The reason I don't come out is just because I feel that they'll either be on one side or the other and they'll be very drastic. Either they'll tell me I'm not gay/shouldn't be gay and they don't approve or they'll be accepting, cry and apologize for making fun of gay people. I don't know if I could handle the first one though, that's been my worst fear for years.

How can I build up courage to tell them or feel more confident? Once I tell them my brother and sister will also find out because they're at home right now. My brother calls me a fag or gay pretty much every day and every thing is "that's so gay". My sister is kind of a bitch and I don't know if she even realizes that I might be gay...my brother definitely thinks I am I think, I've been called out on it previously.

Anyway, I just don't see how all of you can just tell your parents you're gay, to me it feels impossible. I want to do it and I need to do it NOW but I've never been good at bringing up things like this that I don't want to because it's so easy to not do it. I wish I could just write them an e-mail, disappear for a day and then come back home, but I know I can't do that. I don't even think I'll be able to read them a full letter without crying and not be able to talk. I'd rather hand it to them, but that's awkward and they'll probably just stop reading once it says "I'm gay" so that makes it kind of pointless.

Thoughts or ideas? I just feel horrible. :bang:

 

What would you do if you wrote a letter though? Leave it for them in the morning? Hand it to them and wait? Read it to them? I feel like if I leave it I'll be horribly nervous all day or they'll just call me as soon as they read it and tell me to come home if I'm at work.

 

If I were to do it face to face, how do you guys recommend bringing it up? That's the hardest part of it, once I start talking I'll be fine.

 

Yeah, the letter is probably what I"ll do, but I guess I have to choose between handing it to them or reading it to them. I feel like if I hand it to them they might not read the whole thing. I guess I could start off with something mentioning/telling them to read the whole thing before talking to me. There's no easy way to do this I've found out, but I'm trying to choose the best way for me and for them. :\

 

Yeah, kind of sucks that I live at home, it'd make sending an e-mail more normal. When I go off to school I'll be relatively close as well.

However, I have sent prior serious issues in e-mail as well when I didn't live at home and like you said, it gives them time to think before calling you or whatever. If for some reason I don't meet my "deadline" of coming out before going to school I will probably send an e-mail that ends with them asking to talk about it and then call me. I'd really rather not do that though, I told myself I'd come out before going off to school. I want to restart my life. I hate being in the closet. Hearing gay jokes or anti-gay comments and not being able to do anything about it sucks. My parents asked me tonight about having kids eventually and meeting "cute girls" at my future job and I just like "Ehhhhh, not really, I guess."

 

Thought about it last night, decided on writing a letter and then reading it to them. Tonight I will start typing it up.

 

Thought about it last night, decided on writing a letter and then reading it to them. Tonight I will start typing it up.

 

Well the first step is to type it, after that I'll still have to build the courage to read it to them. :\ I think I'll have a panic attack doing that, talk about worst moment of my life! Not fun. Hopefully I don't break down and can't finish reading it...

 

Thanks guys. (&&&)

Started writing some tonight but I have work at 7AM tomorrow so I need to get to bed (11:20PM). Hopefully I have time to finish it tomorrow or Thursday. My sister is leaving for a trip on Thursday to visit her boyfriend so that's good. It will leave me with less people as a distraction of my parents and possibly leave me with a moment to tell them. We will see I guess.

I'm hoping they don't hate me after I tell them but you never really know, I think it will either be 100% acceptance or 100% rejection, they're very confusing. On one side they love me and have said before they understand gay people, but on the other side they've made very anti-gay statements, called an openly gay person we know a "poofter" or a "queer" in a derogatory manner and other similar negative things. My dad is usually the one who is saying the negative things. I think he thinks he's being "cool" by doing it and thinks that I agree with him. If only he knew. :\ The nights where they say those things I usually just go to my room and feel like shit for hours.

I feel like they HAVE to know I'm gay - I have zero interest in girls, no girlfriends and whenever they bring up the whole "you should have <brother's gf> set you up with a friend" I just try to shrug it off and say I'm not interested and then change the subject. Maybe they just think I'm shy. Plus I dont look/act stereotypically "gay", so I think that might confuse them. If they accept me I will be the happiest person alive as I restart my life this summer. If they reject me I will probably be the saddest person alive at least for a while until I can try to forget about them. Hopefully it's the first.

Thank you for all of your support, I will probably post the letter here once I'm finished so I can get some suggestions on what to add/delete.

- John

 

I have thought of that, however, I fear they will get to "...I'm gay." and stop reading, therefore defeating the point of the letter. I've thought about that though definitely. I think I'll just read it and if I start crying too much to keep reading I'll just hand it to them and they can keep reading if they need to. My guess is if that happens though they will have heard enough and will start talking, hug me, or tell me to get the fuck out.