Empty Closets Coming Out Resources and a Safe Place to Chat
Welcome Forum Chat Room Resources News Members

Go Back   Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people coming out > Support Area > Coming Out Advice

Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11th Jul 2010, 01:49 PM   #1
Member
Regular Member
 
gialamas's Avatar
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Some people
Location: Indiana USA
Posts: 23
Join Date: Jul 2009


Default Choosing yourself over others

I hurt someone today. Deeply and painfully. And I warned him - I really did. I told him that I've never had anyone been close to me before. And yet he tried, and he tried;until I eventually did everything I was afraid I'd do. And it hurt him. And, when I look back at it, I think I just lost the one thing I've been wanting for so long. And I end up sitting here, wondering why I keep doing this to myself.

I'm 21 now, and never been with anyone before. I've never even attempted to do anything sexual with another guy before. And its caused mainly from my sheltered and guarded life. Away from the gay community and away from any oppurtunities to meet another interested guy. And because of my actions, no guy has ever been close to me, and I was comfortable with it. I just got accepted into nursing school last year, so things have gone well for me. And I came to the understanding that being with anyone would just be excess baggage. But that was until I met him at a concert.

He and I got close as friends, and I made sure to put that line out there to him. I wanted a strict friendship and nothing more. But even so, he kept pushing it. He knew I liked him more than just friends, but he also knew that I've never been with anyone before. He figured it was because I was scared, or felt guilty because he knew how religious and anti-gay my family was. I warned him not to get close - I really did.

And I hurt him emotionally. And hes gone now, and had left me with some words. These words rang very deeply into me, as it were things I myself was aware of. He said I didn't love myself, and that it will be impossible for me to ever be with someone if I cant even be okay with myself. He also mentioned how I can't make a decision for myself - that its always based on what others think is right. And hes probably right, I've never been one to care for myself. I've always lived for others, even in nursing - my entire goal is to help out others and do things for them. Even in my family. I have a baby brother who loves me and looks up to me in everything I do. If I were to come out to my family, that would lead to being cut off from college and thusly risk tarnishing my baby brothers image of me. I could never harm him for what I find attractive.

And so, with that massive wall of text, I have a question. How do I learn to love myself? What do you think I should choose? Because in order to love myself, I would have to come out. And to come out, would mean my family would know. And that would risk everything i have with them. Its funny really, i ran out of people to make my decisions for me so here I am asking you all here what you think I should do. I guess he was right when I couldnt make my own choices. But how could anyone choose when the outcomes are so bleak and terrible no matter what? I think I may have just become damaged goods at this point :P
gialamas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th Jul 2010, 06:51 PM   #2
boulderdash westlake
Regular Member
 

Gender: Male
Orientation: Quite gay
Out Status: Everyone that matters
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 77
Join Date: Jul 2010


Default Re: Choosing yourself over others

There is a LOT going on there. I would not dare answer any of those questions (not liking yourself, etc.) as they are the same issues I face. I implore you to get in touch with a (good) therapist to help you explore the deeper issues. If you walk in and they hand you a prescription, walk out and find someone else.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
BrettV is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th Jul 2010, 01:08 AM   #3
Forum Admins
EC Admin
 
Gender: Male
Orientation: Gay
Out Status: Out to everyone
Location: northern CA
Posts: 12,869
Join Date: May 2008


Default Re: Choosing yourself over others

Quote:
Originally Posted by gialamas View Post
He said I didn't love myself, and that it will be impossible for me to ever be with someone if I cant even be okay with myself. He also mentioned how I can't make a decision for myself - that its always based on what others think is right. And hes probably right, I've never been one to care for myself.
The fact you're writing about this and repeating it says that it's touched you. My guess is that he's correct, and that he tried to help you with it, but you weren't ready to accept the help. A lot of those in helping professions suck at accepting help for themselves. The fact you're talking about it indicates you might be ready to take positive steps for yourself, which is really good.

People who go into caretaking professions often do so because of a need to provide to others something they never got themselves. This can be good, but it can also be bad, because it means it's hard for them to accept themselves, and to accept love and caring from others.

Quote:
If I were to come out to my family, that would lead to being cut off from college and thusly risk tarnishing my baby brothers image of me. I could never harm him for what I find attractive.
That is most likely a major cognitive distortion. Without knowing more about your family history, it's hard to say whether they would really cut you off, but even if they did, if your brother truly looks up to you, the mere fact that you are gay won't change that.

[/quote] Because in order to love myself, I would have to come out. And to come out, would mean my family would know. And that would risk everything i have with them.[/quote]

Yes. But being able to love yourself is more important, ultimately than anything else, if you want to be emotionally healthy. And if your family truly loves you, the love will transcend whether you're gay or straight, or their religiious dogma, or just about anything else. It might take a little while, but it will. So, essentially, loving yourself means accepting yourself... not your family accepting you, but you accepting yourself.

And once you begin to do that, you will have more confidence in yourself, and you won't lean on others for decision making as much either.

Quote:
But how could anyone choose when the outcomes are so bleak and terrible no matter what? I think I may have just become damaged goods at this point :P
That is an enormous cognitive distortion. The outcomes aren't so bleak at all... you've constructed this reality where there are no choices, but in fact there are most definitely choices, and, unless there are pieces you aren't sharing, there are some very good choices.

I agree with Brett that you would definintely benefit from therapy. That would be an excellent first step. And I'll plug Joe Kort's "10 smart things gay men can do to find real love" because it has a lot in it about understanding yourself and your own insecurities, and i think it could be pretty eye-opening for you.
Chip is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Birth or Choice??? RaeofLite Coming Out Advice 29 24th May 2009 04:05 PM
Choosing a college... jman77 Coming Out Advice 10 28th Feb 2009 08:55 AM
Choosing who I give my virginity to, how many can say they did that? Anonymous Anonymous Discussions 6 8th Aug 2008 05:25 PM
Further Proof That We're Not Choosing LostAddict Chit Chat 1 16th Jun 2008 11:33 PM


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:18 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright (c) 2004-2014, Empty Closets Community Services
the Empty Closets name and logo are registered trademarks of Empty Closets Community Services

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21