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What am I?....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ascenseur, Jul 11, 2010.

  1. ascenseur

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    Hello Everyone,

    I've had the best part of 6 months brewing over this, but it still confuses me - so I do apologise if it doesn't make sense in some parts.
    I would just like some advice, as it's something that, not only am I unsure about, but also that I don't think anyone around me can help with, so that's why I hope that someone here can.

    Ok, I'll start at the beginning - this may take a little while; I've never been someone who is "active" in relationships - you know, at my age (14), everyones "doing stuff" together - Even when I was in my first relationship with a girl, it wasn't easy kissing her. It just didn't feel right, or it was a struggle at the least.
    My last relationship was nearly a year ago. I went out with a girl, and I was the same as I was before - people would just call it frigid - I'm fine with hugs and contact, but anything more and I sort of hide in my shell.
    And then, a few weeks before the summer holidays, she got her friend to dump me; Apparently, she "didn't want to go out with me any more".

    And that was it for my relationships.

    I haven't been out with anyone since. Sure, I've been asked a few times, but always said no. And it's something mentally that stops me - not the person's looks or anything like that. I think it may be the feeling of rejection/dumping that doesn't want me to go out with someone else, but I'm not sure.

    I haven't had any desire to become involved with girls since then. Sure, I have some great girl friends, but I don't ever look at them and, in the terms of people in my age bracket, say "i'd tap that".

    And so that's when I took more notice of people calling me "gay" or a "poof" - People have always called me gay. As I get told, it's because I am "more in touch with my feminine side", or by other guys "it's because you're gay" (fat load of help). But I suppose it is defiance of the fact that lead me to investigate being homosexual.

    And so I started to explore, if that's the word.
    I haven't done anything more than watch gay pornography. But then I stopped becoming aroused by straight porn.
    And now my head is spinning. It's like I'm being split into pieces all saying different things like;
    "It's just a phase, you'll be ok at the end. Everyone explores and finds new things"
    "Why don't you just be gay? It's not as if it's going to hurt you. You don't have feelings for girls anymore, do you think they'll ever come back?"
    or "Are you gay? Are you Straight? Are you Bi? You've got to choose, but what effect will it have on you and your career/friends/education/etc."

    But I don't know.

    Part of me wants to come out, just say "yep, i'm gay" and get on with life.
    Another part wants me to stay straight, and be like everyone else - get laid by a girl etc.
    And another is there going "why don't you have relationships with both men and women? You'll find people in both sexes that you like and respect, and who like and respect you."

    But I care too much for people - I wouldn't ever be a "wham, bam, thank-you m'am" person. I prefer friendship in a relationship, and I don't think I have yet to find anyone like that.


    I have tried talking to people about it.

    First, I spoke to my ex girlfriend, the one who had her friend dump me (I am too forgiving). She still has feelings for me, as she revealed, and is having troubles getting to grips with the fact that I think I may be gay. When I tried to speak to her, it was obvious she wanted a yes-or-no answer there and then, and I just couldn't do that.

    Then I spoke to george (I believe his username is george689 here) who has come out and said he's gay. And he was helpful, but also he made me realise it's not a choice that anyone else can make - sure, they can help, but you have to make it yourself.

    So, after writing 2 reams of nonsense, I suppose my questions boil down to these three things:
    * Am I gay, Am I Straight, or Am I Bi? And how do I even get an idea of which I am?

    * Should I "sit out the storm" and wait until after puberty to make my decisions?

    * Should I try and have a relationship with a girl? After all, it has been nearly a year. Perhaps I should overcome my fear of being dumped?

    Thank you if you've managed to read down this far. It's been a real challenge to actually coax this all out of my confused mind, and I am sure there is lots more to pull out as and when it makes more sense.

    Joe
    x
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC. You've already taken some really big steps by disclosing to your ex-gf and to George that you are questioning your sexuality, and that's a really positive step for you.

    Also, you seem to at least be intellectually aware, if not fully accepting, of the idea that whether you're gay or straight or somewhere in between is not something you can choose or change or influence, but just something that you are.

    As far as answering the questions, it can be a little complicated, because what your conscious mind wants vs. what your unconscious mind is actually attracted to can be completely different.

    It's not uncommon to, at this age, have some sexual attraction to both men and women; boys as they start going through puberty, will have a "hairtrigger" attachment to almost anything. But the key -- and this is something you probably already know, but are having problems coming to grips with -- is where your actual attraction lies.

    If you are watching gay porn and finding it arousing, and you don't find straight porn very arousing, then it is pretty unlikely that you are straight. One of the things you can try that will help is to masturbate a few times without watching porn at all, and think about girls and having sex with girls... and then do the same thing while thinking about guys. You will probably find that thinking about one or the other arouses you pretty consistently, and the other either doesn't arouse you at all, or only arouses you a little bit. Once you figure that out, the answer will be clearer.

    Also, sexuality is on a continuum; it is not binary or trinary, so likely, whether you are more straight or more gay, there is some of both in you.

    My guess that you probably already know what's up but aren't quite ready to accept it yet; if you look at your post, you suggested the possibility of trying to have a relationship with a girl, or waiting it out... but you never suggested trying to have a relationship with a guy. I'd guess that perhaps that thought is too scary right now, probably because part of you knows you'll probalby like that, and aren't quite ready to accept that.

    I hope that helps. Whatever your orientation is, you can't change it... you just need to work on loving yourself as you are. And you'll get to that place :slight_smile:
     
  3. ascenseur

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    Hello Chip.
    Thank you for your quick reply. I'm sitting here alone, because this is the only time I feel I can actually expel all my thoughts safely. If that makes sense.

    See, this is the place where it gets tricky. Really quite weird, for me at least
    I can watch gay porn, and I do enjoy it. But if I masturbate without it, I can think of either girls or guys. And it doesn't bother me. I am quite happy with either.
    Which is why I think I may well be bi.

    I do hope I will figure it out, because believe me it's an odd situation to be in.

    There are 2 reasons for this.
    1) I would mentally prefer a relationship with a girl because of the fact of the stigma attached to being gay
    2) There have been no attractive men, gay or not, in my community. And as such, I have had no want or lust for men.

    Yes, the thought is scary. Very scary. But I can't make clear sense of things, and as such don't know what I would be accepting. And then it gets even cloudier.

    Thank you :slight_smile: And I know I can't change it, but as with human nature, there is that desire to *know* the answer. I don't want to be left hanging on a thread of imagination by my mind, but I can't work out ways to decipher that thread into my true sexuality.

    Thank you for making it a little clearer, and I definitely have a lot to consider and debate. I just wish that, unlike the rest of life, there was a way to work out what I was without the unknowing.

    Joe
    x
     
  4. Xanz

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    Joe i really wish i could help that sounds exactly like my life when i had my first kiss with my ex-gf it felt really wrong!! I havnt had an actual full on relationship with a guy but i can just tell!! I hope u can come to a conclusion soon :slight_smile: And if u need anything else dont hesitate to ask!!
     
  5. Steve712

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    I was in that situation when I was in the middle of puberty and discovering my sexuality. For a while, I considered myself bisexual because the idea of a relationship with a man seemed foreign. I had thought that I preferred sexual activity with men and relationships with women. It wasn't until I had fallen in love with a friend of mine at the age of thirteen (I still have feeling to this day, which is why I feel confident saying love) that I realised that relationships with men really wouldn't be all that bad and that I wouldn't be happy with a woman because I wouldn't be physically attracted to her. Albeit you're not in the same exact mindset as I was, I think that there are some major similarities here. Allow it to take a while without becoming frustrated, because it will take time.
     
  6. ascenseur

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    Thank you both Xanz and Steve - It's good to know I'm not alone..

    So it really does seem like a waiting game - but for how long?...

    I know it's not going to be a "wake up one day and, oh yes, I'm Gay", but does it slowly creep up on you? What should I expect?
     
  7. Xanz

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    U will just graduall begin to realise and accept the idea of it!! I was in massive deniel in the begining but then i just gradually began to be more accepting of the idea!! And now im happy that i know what i am!! And i just wanna know im busy talking to a really close mate of mine whos a girl and she keeps asking me who i fancie should i just come out and tell her the truth ??
     
  8. Steve712

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    Well, like I said I didn't really fully come to terms with it all until I fell in love, but it really is different for everyone who experiences this problem. *shrugs* I can't tell you what to expect, but I can tell you that you won't be confused forever. :slight_smile:
     
  9. ascenseur

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    Xanz,

    It depends how close your are to this girl. My ex GF, as much as she was my ex, is the sort of person I can talk to. But it really depends. I told her because she doesn't go to my school, and because i've known her long enough to know that she wouldn't blurt it out to everyone.
    But from my experience, it really is when you are ready. It's a bit of a gulp in your throat to begin with, but it made it so much easier once I had started. It was like it all bundled up, and just flew out at once.

    I've always got my cousin, who lives in Canada, to talk to. I haven't yet though, because although he is gay, and we are far apart, I also feel like it would be awkward for him, especially as he is the only person in my extended family who would know.
    For some reason, I find it easier to tell those outside my family about it. Not as in coming out, but as in just talking about being gay in general.

    Thanks for all your help, and I suppose I better be sleeping soon!

    Joe
    x
     
  10. Xanz

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    Im sure if you told ur cousin he would understand and be accepting and give u advice on anything u wanted to know but obviously some things might be a bit akward but it should all be fine!! :slight_smile:
     
  11. Xanz

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    I just realised the part of u thats saying that u wanna be straight might just be you trying to fit in at school!! And i know whats its like being at a school with Homophobic atmosphere!! dunno if that helps but thats what happened with me :L
     
  12. titaniumCloset

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    Wait wait wait till you're ready. It is not a race to come out and if you say "I'm gay" and then realize you're not, that will be tough to explain. Thinking for yourself and wait it out and see what happens.
     
  13. Chip

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    One of my friends, when I first met him, was 18. On his profile he said "I'm bisexual and I live in so-and-so and blah blah."

    About 4 years later, he'd updated his profile to say "I'm bisexual gay (Oh, well, it was worth a try) and I live in so-and-so and blah blah."

    It is just one of those things that, over time, becomes clearer for you. Of course, only 10% of the population, according to the studies that are out there, are truly straight or gay while the rest are somewhere on the continuum. But in practical terms, people tend to make it trinary, so if most people who identify as a Kinsey 0, 1 or 2 identify as straight, 3 or 4 as bi, and 5 or 6 as gay. So wherever you end up, you can choose whatever description you feel fits you the best.
     
  14. ascenseur

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    I definitely don't want it to be a race, but equally, I don't want to be waiting forever - because it plays on my mind, every day, this. But as you said, it does seem like it's going to be a waiting game.

    See this is the thing. As much as I am confused about my sexuality now, I don't want to be "stuck" with a certain sexuality, which you have explained isn't the case, and that people change.
    Also, you mentioned Kinsey 0 to 5 - I take it they are based on the Kinsey Reports? So how would I go about grading myself on this? Is it a sort of self-evaluation thing? All I found when I searched it were a load of terrible quizzes and a few pictures of a sliding scale, which didn't make sense.... (Now, am I being really thick about this?)

    It's really hard to agree mentally to this myself, but you're probably right; I am stuck in a sex-crazed, hormone-filled atmosphere for 7 hours monday to friday, and I suppose I just don't want to be "the odd one out" - not that there is anything wrong with being gay/bi, but people are still very homophobic in schools.

    :\ I just don't think I can carry on turning people down at school, and then when I get asked why, lie. What would you suggest I say?
     
  15. Steve712

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    (*hug*) Just tell the truth. Say that you aren't interested. You don't have to tell them why you aren't if you feel uncomfortable, but be honest. :slight_smile:
     
  16. george678

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    A) People are homophobic in schools as I have found out but only for a week
    B) Just say your not ready for a relationship

    -Xanz

    So was I. For about 2 months.
    So I suggested to Joe how long have you been thinking about these thoughts and he said a while.

    Have you EVER had an attraction to a guy around you Joe?
     
  17. It took me years to put a word to what I am. And just about as long to start accepting and loving myself
     
  18. ascenseur

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    Yes, I will just say that. But it just seems a little odd.
    Oh well, just another hurdle to jump I suppose...
    Yes. Well, nearly 6 months now. Since January this year.
    No. Personally, since I started querying my sexuality, I haven't seen any attractive men - and I wasn't really considering it beforehand.
    But then I haven't ever had a *real* attraction to a girl either. I've only ever gone out with them because of
    a) peer pressure (i.e. being forced to go out with someone on a school holiday, when I really didn't want to. It's happened more than once)
    or b) I see their caring side, rather than my own desires. I suppose to me a relationship is just a greater friendship, and I don't consider "other activities".

    Or am I just babbling crap? Does anyone make sense of my confused sexual desires/thoughts/ideas?

    In all seriousness, what can any of you advise? I really am struggling to make sense of this at the moment. "/
     
  19. Xanz

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    It could all just be hormones but then again it could all be true!! but there are other things to take into account for example i was raised majoritively by mom, my aunt and her daughters cause my dad lived in england for the first 11 years of my life then we moved to england and i think that had a massive affect on me!! that i had no masculin role model, i was sorrounded by a completly feminene atmosphere if u know what i mean??
     
  20. george678

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    Yep.

    Does that mean you've never gone *Pwoar* she's fit?