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A few problems with mom and boys

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sesshomaru, Jul 12, 2010.

  1. Sesshomaru

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    The first of my problems deals with my mom (again). She recently had her baby two weeks ago and is slowly getting back to her normal life. Sadly, this also means she's begun drinking and smoking again as well. I was really hoping she could at least stop the drinking. I don't know why but the smell of smoke from a cigarette gives me an insane headache within moments of smelling it. She was smoking yesterday and I asked could she close the front door since she was already outside and she knows how the smoke affects me. She ignored it so I sat another few seconds then got up to slam the door but luckily her bf got a hint of what might follow afterwards so he beat me to the door and closed it.

    Her drinking is already becoming a problem as well. She may only drink wine but it's still enough to give her a complete and horrible personality change. Yesterday as well she kept asking me to constantly do thingseven though both my older bro and younger bro were awake and just watching tv so I got to the point where I finally said no. She had been drinking all morning and came storming into the living room yelling and cursing like crazy. After a bit of yelling I was done holding back and yelled back. The only difference with this time was that it wasn't the normal yelling I've normally done with arguing with her. Itwas more like I do with my brothers to where after the end of my yelling it's either back off or you're gettinghurt. Surprisingly, she quietly left and went back to her room. That's the first time since last summer that it's happened but I'm fed up now with dealing with her. She's not pregnant anymore and if itcomes down to having to show her physically to back off, I will. Before it gets to that though I'd rather finally have a serious talk with her about her drinkingand smoking to tell her if she doesn't get some control over it that it could turn out pretty bad. Any ideas on how I could do this?

    The second of these problems is guys. I know that I'm gay and after writing that letter to my mom telling her about it I was hoping she did too. Ever since a few days after I told her and she sorta hinted at it in a kidding way she hasn't mentioned it at all and keeps referring to me one day getting a gf and eventually a wife. It's driving me crazy. I'm not sure if she's in denial or something but I'm about ready to just shout that I'm gay and she needs to get over it that I'm not having a gf or wife. Ever. It's annoying me to no end to always hear her talking with her friends or just out loud in general about me and girls. Would all of this be possible signs that she's in denial about my sexuality?

    There's also a small growing problem that I'm going to have to come out to both my 20 and 11 year old brothers as well. I sorta figured that my mom would somehow slip and make it known to them but with her avoiding it all the time I don't think she will. I felt awkward yesterday because my older bro convinced me to get off the computer for an hour yesterday so we could go swimming (our new apartment building has a pool and Jacuzzi). There were two girls my age already there that I've seen around here staring at me before but I knew if I went back inside my older bro would ask a string of questions. We were there about 20 minutes before one of them came over and started up a conversation with my brother then switched over to asking me questions like what are me and my bros mixed with, will I be going to school out here with them next year, how old am I, then complimenting me about my body and hair. I felt like I was being tortured because I couldn't tell them I'm gay and not interested because my brothers were right there. It got worse before we went inside since while we were relaxing in the jacuzzi a really hot 20-something year old guy came in with some girls and a kid and I could instantly tell he was bi or simply gay. He caught me looking at him take off his shirt and jump in the pooland I'm glad we went inside soon after or I might have possibly had to come out to my bros then and there.

    The last part of this is about meeting people. I'm an extremely quiet and shy person and I don't get out much. The most I even step out my front door is to take out the trash. Any other time I leave for something else there's either my mom or my brothers with me. We sorta recently moved to a new city before school let out and I have yet to meet anyone out here. Is there any way I could possibly meet other gay guys? It sorta sucks even more that I don't look or act like a stereotypical gay guy at all so it's nearly impossible to randomly guess it when I'm out in public.

    Thanks in advance for any advise with any or all of this.
     
  2. Revan

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    I have one quick question. Does she smoke in front of the baby, because that right there is child endangerment. It's illegal to smoke near a baby, and I thought illegal to smoke in a house...though that may be just in certain states/provinces. Still she needs help...no offense but I'd almost suggest you find an Al-Anon...maybe talk to the boyfriend about it too because you make him sound like the type of person who is friendly to you and maybe he could help you with this part?

    I'd give more advice on the other topics you covered, but I feel this is the most pressing one...
     
  3. Ralivar

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    I think that in terms of the smoking and the drinking that it would be a good idea to try and talk to her before you look at doing anything more dramatic. Maybe the best thing will be just to sit down with her and talk with her, probably when she hasn't already been drinking would be best. Revan might be right in suggesting you talk to her boyfriend about it as well, maybe try and include him in the conversation (I suppose this depends on his view on your mum's drinking and smoking though.)

    With you coming out to your mum, it may be that she is still coming to terms with it. In most cases we have taken along time to ourselves accept that we are gay, what we then have to understand is that our parents need to time to come to terms with it as well. Sometimes old habits die hard in terms of her mentioning things like girlfriends and possible future wives. I would suggest just to give her some time. If you feel that at some time when it is suitable maybe bring it up with her and let her know how you are feeling.

    With your last issue of meeting guys, unfortunately I can't really be of any help, I have the same issues. I'm a pretty shy guy and very rarely go out an if I do then its with people who don't know that I'm gay and so I can't really meet anyone.

    I hope that I have been some help. I hope that everything works out for you and I wish you luck.
     
  4. Sesshomaru

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    Thanks to both of you for the help.

    She doesn't smoke around the baby because she still has some sort of inner conscience when it comes to dealing with anyone besides me. If she did that would lead to an instant argument between her and me.

    As for her bf, he's not anyone I would talk to at all. She has him wrapped around her finger so anything shesays, he follows. He's not friendly nor mean at all and he also knows that I don't care for at all so he normally tries to keep his distance anytime possible.
     
  5. padre411

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    What you are having to do is really hard. Are there any support resources you can access nearby? This place is great but face to face support can make a real difference.

    Peace, Mike