Hi guys, I'm new to this website and I really need some HIV advice and help with this guy I've been dating for about 3 weeks. I would like to introduce myself first; I am a 19 years old raising sophomore in college. I came from a very conservative family and I was in self denial about my homosexuality for a long time. I decided to attend a very Greek oriented private school in the middle of no where just to “turn myself straight”, it was the biggest mistake ever. I later realize that I was born gay and there’s no possible way to change it. For this summer, I found myself an internship in California just to get away from my conservative family and friends. I posted my profile on a website and looked for some gay friends to hang out with here in Cali. I got a lot of replies but most of them are just asking for sex, I decided to give one of them a try and it turns out to be a disaster. To make my story short: I later found out he did not just “meet one other guy for sex but didn’t really do anything”. I can say that he almost had sex with half of the gay population in Los Angeles. Worst of all, he told me he got checked 2 months ago and the results were negative before we first barebacked, but 2 days ago he told me he actually took his test last December. I am really nervous about my HIV status now and I don’t know what to do, I don’t have any friends who know that I’m gay so I’m seeking help here. What should I do? I heard the HIV window period is 3 months; when/how should I get tested? How high is the transmission rate of HIV? We only barebacked 4 times, are there any possibility that I won’t get it even if he’s a positive? The worst part of this situation is that I think I’m falling in love with him and I don’t know how to say no. I told him I don’t want to see him anymore but he just argued that he is starting to be honest and such. How do I say no and how should I go about this situation? Any advice is appreciated, A Lost Guy
Big dose of reality: Barebacking is extremely high risk for transmission of HIV, as the rectal walls are ultra absorbant and fluids have direct access to the bloodstream. If he was positive... well, lets just say the odds wouldn't be in your favour. Do you know if he had been having unprotected sex before you came along? You should get tested 3 months after. And I don't understand how you're falling in love with someone who blatantly lied to you about when they got tested... USE CONDOMS.
I am not aware of the transmission rates, but as you are aware, it's necessary to get tested. The CDC reccommends getting tested within 2 to 8 weeks, the norm being 25 days, as that's when the antigens (which the test looks for) start to develop. There are hospitals and clinics that will test you - over here in the UK, it's for free, and I believe that anonymous HIV testing is free in some, if not all, clinics. This might be of assistance for you. It seems to be a database from the CDC, which advice/links/nearest clinics etc. http://www.hivtest.org/ There is also a helpline at 1-800-CDC-INFO (1-800-232-4636) which is open 24hours a day, which you may prefer to ring and ask. I would highly recommend getting checked out, whether or not there is a high risk of having it.
Also, I would advise that you get him checked out too. If not for his sake, but for yours and anyone else's that he has been with. And yes, as Spectre said, albeit if bluntly, *USE CONDOMS*.
Hi, and welcome to EC. I'm sorry that you're coming here under these circumstances, but it's good that you are reaching out for help. I hope you'll stick around and participate in this community, because there are a lot of great people here, and I think it will be helpful to you in many ways. First, let's deal with the HIV issue. Your risk of becoming HIV+ is not inconsequential, and you need to get tested, and to protect yourself from further risk. If he has lied about when he was tested, he may also be lying about his HIV status; sadly, I have seen this identical scenario in the past. So you need to get tested now, and even if you are negative, you need to stop exposing yourself to the risk. HIV testing is a little inexact in terms of when it will yield accurate results, but it's pretty good. The free instant testing you can get through various non-profit agencies is about 60% accurate at 20 days, and about 80% accurate at 60 days. I have known of people who were exposed, tested negative a couple of weeks after exposure, and tested positive at 60 to 90 days, so I would recommend getting tested a second time after 2-3 months. Additionally, HIV infection isn't your only concern. Syphillis, hepatitis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia are also common STDs found among people who bareback. Of those, all but hepatitis are pretty easily treatable. If possible, you should get a full test for all of those. Now onto the second issue. First, I don't usually come along this strongly, but you need to dump this guy. He's bad news. First, he completely lied to you about his testing history and the number of partners he'd had. It's therefore likely he is lying to you about other things, and will continue to lie to you. The fact that he's had a ton of partners doesn't bode well for either the long-term viability of your relationship, or for his ability to be faithful to you; people who lie are insecure, and insecure people are more likely to be unfaithful. Since we already know he likes to bareback AND he lies, that combination is practically guaranteeing that he will eventually become HIV positive if he isn't already. Someone who argues that they are "starting to be honest" is not who you want. He's admitting right there that he isn't being fully honest, and people who lie at the start very, very rarely learn to be honest later. You deserve better. My suspicion is that you aren't in love; it's just that he's the first guy you've been with, and you're confusing infatuation and attraction to the intimacy and closeness with true love. It's probable that because you've been closeted and spent your life getting messages that being gay was wrong, so you, yourself don't have the strongest self esteem right now. But you're smart enough to realize that he isn't good for you, and to seek out help. So I strongly suggest that you take steps now to end this relationship. I would also suggest deleting your profile from whatever site you're on; from your description, it sounds like one of the many hookup sites, and it is nearly impossible to find anyone emotionally healthy and worth having, if you're seeking an authentic relationship, on a hookup site. There are lots of good ways to meet healthy people, but hookup sites aren't one of them. What part of California are you in? There are generally a lot of resources and social opportunities for gay men in most parts of California, and there are some other strategies you can use to find people who are emotionally healthier and happier. Please keep us informed. Also, feel free to PM me if you would like to talk more in a less public setting.
Hi and welcome to EC (*hug*), I am sorry you are in such a tough situation. The best thing to do for now is to take an appointment with a doctor as soon as possible, tell them everything, and get tested. They may put you under preventive HIV treatment if it's till time to do it. And from now on, don't have unprotected sex with anyone. Feel free to post here as much as you want, and if you want to talk privatly, feel free to PM me anytime you want. I am one of the advisors on EC, and even when I can't really help, I can always listen. Take care (*hug*) Cécile
Welcome to EC! A bunch of stuff, much of it a rehash of what you've already read, but it definitely bears repeating. People lie. They lie for good reasons, they lie for bad reasons, and they lie for absolutely no reason at all. And if it means there's sex on the other end, guys will lie to absolutely everybody about absolutely everything. Virgins will say they're heavily experienced, bottoms become tops, four-inch dicks become eight inches, and indiscriminate sex hounds suddenly sound very selective. Assume EVERYBODY is sleeping around. Assume EVERYONE is carrying something. And if they say they aren't, assume they're lying. Not because they are necessarily, but it's safer to assume they are. Just treat condoms and lube like a natural part of sex, the same way that closing the driver's door is a natural part of driving a car. If somebody asks why you're doing it that way, say that's the way you do it. If they try to get you to change your mind, kick their ass out of bed. Condoms. Lube. ALWAYS. >>>The worst part of this situation is that I think I’m falling in love with him and I don’t know how to say no. I told him I don’t want to see him anymore but he just argued that he is starting to be honest and such. How do I say no and how should I go about this situation? You appear to be doing something I call "convenience crushing". You're falling for this guy not because he's a good catch (he ain't), but probably because he's convenient. You've already met him, you've already passed that really awkward stage, you've already shown him your dick, you've already had sex with him. So, gee, why not just stick with him? Because it's a really horrible idea is why. Not because he's promiscuous. Guys who sleep around can make good boyfriends if they're up for it, and you're up for it. But because he is (as my father would say) an asshole of the first waters. He lied to you. He didn't mislead you. He lied to you. He put your health in danger because it meant he got to have sex with you the way he wanted to. That's not an early-relationship slip-up. That's the sign of a manipulative person. His comment that he's "starting to be honest" is another. He may as well have said "Hey, I'm not hitting you as often now" - what the hell good is THAT? Tell Mr deWonderful thanks for the intro to man-on-man rumpy-pumpy, but you've decided you're not compatible, and you're going to look elsewhere. Then drop him from facebook, delete his contact from IM, block his e-mail and phone number, and get on with your life. There are tons of gay guys out there. Stop wasting time with this waste of spare elements. Go find yourself another one. Someone who's nice, and wants to have sex with you, and won't mind if you want to put a condom on, or want to put a condom on him. He's out there. Stop making him wait already. Lex
Thank you Spectre and ascenseur. I've learned my lesson and will always use condoms from now on. I just hope it's not too late. Thank you very much Chip, I am in southern California (like 30 minutes away from Los Angeles) and pretty much in the middle of no where. I’ve searched online and the nearest HIV testing center is 25 minutes drive away and I don’t have a car. And yes I’ve deleted my profile on that website already because I came to realize that love or friendship can’t be found at a place where people look for hook ups. Yea I agree maybe he’s the first gay guy I ever get to know so that’s why I’m obsessed with him. But he said he lied about his age and sexual history because he’s “not very proud of it”. He has a point though, if I would’ve known that he’s 30+ years old I wouldn’t have agree to meet him at the first place. The things I have problem were first that he lied about his sexual history and still bareback with me. Secondly he sometimes lies to me that he’s busy but he’s actually hanging out with his friends, I understand that we only started dating and I shouldn’t be too controlling but the fact that he lies about it kind of pisses me off. The last thing I have problem is every time we go clubbing together, he keep holding hands with one of his friends when he’s drunk. When I asked why, he just keeps saying that they’re just friends and that means nothing. I just keep telling myself that maybe that’s how the gay friendship works but it really bothers me that he’s holding hands with some other guy right in front of me. But he’s a really smart and outgoing guy, I think about him all the time and I think maybe I am in love with him. I was raised and trained not to say no to anyone. Even though I’m trying really hard to change this, it’s still almost impossible for me to say no to someone, especially to a guy I like/love so much. I have trouble telling him all the things I found uncomfortable because I’m afraid he’ll not like me anymore. Now I’m just trying to force myself to not think of him and control myself from texting him but it doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve heard people talk about people who are HIV positive. No one wants to date them and everyone will consider them dirty for the rest of their lives. I’m really nervous and concerned. And thanks Eleanor Rigby, I will not have unprotected sex ever again!
Lexington, I agree that he lied to me and it's very bad. But I think his lies are reasonable. I mean, he probably thinks that he's not HIV positive so that's why he barebacked with me. Also, I really don't think he's that kind of person who would get a guy he likes to be exposed to possible HIV. I don't think it's that easy just to forget a person like deleting Facebook and phone numbers and such... but I'll certainly try and not to think of him as much and see if that's a start. Thanks so much for your advice!
First of all, welcome to EC. You're going to find a lot of good advice and good friends on here if you are willing to let yourself open up. And that is what this site is all about, being open in a very welcoming environment without worrying about the outside world so much. First, as you have already been advised, get tested. There is no reason not to. If for no other reason than that you love yourself, get the test. Now, like Chip, I don't usually come on so strong, but as a gay man and parent, my advice to my own children would be...a) dump this guy, b) you're not in love, c) learn how to separate love, lust, passion, and sex. They are all very different even though they all intermingle...in good, solid, healthy relationships. Love - this is the caring about another person at the deepest levels. Good times, bad times, and being able to be honest and authentic. I think if you looked at your situation you will see that right now "he" and "you" are not being honest and authentic. Lust - as many of us who struggled with the "coming out" process, you are dropping into the rabbit hole of "lust, passion, and sexual attraction." Lust is driven by desire and in your case it might be coming up really strong because of your feelings about having to hide who you are from your family and friends and so the alternative is to act out "recklessly." I don't care how hot a guy is, if all there is to it is lustful sexual attraction, then that is all you will get. And 9 times out of 10, the other side of that equation is only after that as well...so no wonder there is that possibility of infection. Passion - this is a sticky place to be. You can be passionate about loving someone and passionate about sex. And the two can intermingle. What you have to do here is understand "Is your passion driving you to become lustful and just have sex with a person because of the possibility of LOVE?" Be careful here and try to begin separating the feelings of love, lust, and passion. You notice I left sex out but that's the next point. Sex - Sex is sex. Some will disagree with me on this but bear with me. At the end of the act of sex...it was a pleasure moment and then it is done. Just like hunger. Once you eat, 99% of the time you are satisfied until the next craving. HOWEVER...sex can be more than just sex when you balance passion, lust, and mix a great big helping of love into the mix. I personally lust after my partner from a point of love (and no, this isn't 100% of the time). I love him and lust after him sexually, intellectually, and the list goes on. LUST is a powerful word that can be beautiful when done correctly. And because I lust after him out of a place of love and all it's many facets, I find we have really passionate sex (and that can be defined in so many ways). My point, and this is delivered out of caring for you in your situation, take the time to really explore the world that you are just now entering. Be careful and be sane.
First, call your local health department; practically every county health department, particualrly in California, has free STI testing. If they don't do it, they should be able to refer you to a place that can. If that fails, look for a Labcorp blood draw center near you. They have locations practically everywhere in the US, often it's a tiny 100 sqft office in back of something else. They probably won't show up if you search for HIV testing. Once you find a location, check out places like prepaidlab.com. (search something like "order your own blood tests") These are places that are basically brokers for lab work, and work through Labcorp testing facilities. That particular one offers an HIV test for $40. Wow, you didn't mention the lying about his age part (or I missed it.) That is an even larger red flag. And that is all the more reason to dump him. No offense, but he's not in love with you, he is in love with 18 and 19 year old boys, and knows that the only way he can get them is to lie his ass off about everything. If he were healthy, he would not be lying, he would be seeking out people his own age, and he would not be manipulating you, or barebacking. I'm sorry, but I've seen this scenario a ton of times and I can tell you that it isn't healthy for you (either emotionally or physically) and you can either deal with it now, or end up emotionally fucked up later. HUGE HUGE HUGE red flag! He is probably not even "hanging out with his friends" all the time, he is likely cheating on you.... though you'll never in a million years get him to admit it. Look, not to be harsh, but every thing you add about this guy makes it clear he's a loser, manipulative, lying piece of shit. Dump him NOW. You're not. Lex nailed it. Additionaly, because of your issues growing up, you don't have confidence in yourself (part of your inability to say "no") and there's a part of you that is afraid you won't be able to find better. That is complete BS. This guy is bottom of the barrel. He clearly is smart... smart enough to manipulate you, lie to you constantly, ignore you when it's inconvenient for him togive you attention, and STILL have you believing that he's a nice guy who cares. This is a problem you have to solve. I would say, with all you've said about him, the likelihood that he is HIV+ is probably pretty high. It's clear he's a liar and manipulator, and not a healthy influence for you in a number of ways. You have to learn, now or later, to say no, to dump the unhealthy influences in your life, to take responsibility for your own actions. Block his number on your phone, block him from your facebook, and get him out of your life. If he doesn't like you any more, that's actually a POSITIVE for you because... he is the type that doesn't like people he can't manipulate, and it means you're getting emotionally stronger. So you either dump him or don't. But if you don't, the outcome won't be good for you. As for your own HIV status... all you can do now is get tested. The stats, for the moment at least, are in your favor. Just don't put it off, get tested, dump this piece of shit, and start looking for a healthier relationship with someone around your own age that you don't find in a club, bar, hookup site, or other such place. I'm sorry to be harsh but... you really need a wakeup call. Hopefully you'll get it, take the advice you're being given, and move on without any long-term harm to your health or your esteem. There's lots for you to work on with yourself, but you can get through all of it and end up a happy and well-adjusted gay guy Just... don't keep going down the path with this guy, or it will delay or, at worst, derail that.
>>>Lexington, I agree that he lied to me and it's very bad. But I think his lies are reasonable. I mean, he probably thinks that he's not HIV positive so that's why he barebacked with me. Also, I really don't think he's that kind of person who would get a guy he likes to be exposed to possible HIV. Then what he should have said is "Hey, I have sex with plenty of guys, but I think I'm clean, and I want to bareback. You OK with that?" That's full disclosure (even if most guys would roll their eyes at "I think I'm clean"). He didn't do that. He lied to you. Blatantly. Very few people WANT to get HIV, or expect to get it. They get it pretty much in the manner you describe. They figure a guy is safe and clean, or they're told the guy is safe and clean, and it ends up he isn't. It's not like you can just "avoid the pozzies". And chances are - you ain't special in that regard. I can guarantee if he barebacked with you, then he barebacked with everybody else. And even if he's not the sort to deliberately infect somebody, he may not even know himself. He already lied once about when he got his test done - it wouldn't shock me to find out that he actually didn't get tested then, either. Sadly, many gay guys live in a "if I don't look, everything is OK" sort of world. They figure as long as they don't KNOW they're HIV+, then they can't be HIV+. So they continue on sleeping with guys, hoping everything's OK. Maybe it is. But maybe it ain't. Which is why it's condom, lube, ALWAYS. >>>I understand that we only started dating and I shouldn’t be too controlling Let me reiterate something real quick. He's been lying to you. Repeatedly. He has no moral ground to stand on that you can't be "controlling". This guy's waving more red flags than the Soviet Union on May Day. It may be that you have trouble saying no. Which is why you don't bother saying no. You say goodbye, and you (metaphorically) hang up before he has a chance to change your mind. I don't expect you to forget him by dropping him on facebook etc. I expect you to take a step forward toward moving on. By removing the temptation. Because as long as he can contact you, he can (and will) work on manipulating you into getting what he wants. Let me make this brief. Either you dump him now, and deal with a good deal of heartache (and perhaps some side issues). Or you stay with him. At which point your self-esteem will go completely to hell, you'll be at his beck and call until he simply grows tired of you, and you greatly jeopardize your chances of getting into a real, affirming, and kick-ass relationship with somebody else at any point down the road. Cut your losses. Kick his ass to the curb. And let's work on getting your life back on track. Lex
