Just as the title implies I am going to rant a little bit. :icon_wink I am not really sure where to begin... I go through these depressions that will last a couple days, then go away. Or I will have some that only come at night. Yesterday it was terrible. it got to the point where It made me sick to even eat. Anyway, when these "episodes" come about it gets really loud in my head. Kind of like a classroom of 50 students all trying to talk over each other. And, of course, they are all talking to me hahaha. It's not that they are "talking" to me, it's just noisy up there. Then I get to feeling pretty worthless and poopy, I don't want to do anything but lay in my bed and be... useless. (which is what i pretty much did yesterday) Yesterday, when i was making some lunch, i cut my finger on accident. (i am clumsy) But, like I stared at the cut for like 5 secs, then all of a sudden I got this intense need to just take the knife i was using and ram it through my arm. I didn't do it because I don't like pain, and it was just a really dumb thought. The thing that gets me is, the day before, I was just fine. But i woke up yesterday all crap. It was even nice yesterday (till it stormed) and someone called and asked if i wanted to go swimming and rollerskating afterwards. I told them no. Not because I didnt want to go, because I did, but because I cannot swim or rollerskate. And I know some of you might think that it is really no big deal, a lot of people can't do those things. You are right about that, it isnt a big deal. But for some reason I would like to be able to just so i could hang out with people, and be more sociable. Hell, I will leave the EC chat room when it starts to get a lot of people in it because it makes me nervous. Nervous.... in an online chat room... how stupid. I also feel like I am just looked over and forgotten. Perhaps a story to shed some light... I am the middle of three children. My older sister just turned 25, and my little bro is 13. This is how my life sort of played out: My sister was the trouble maker type. She got kicked out of her first school so my parents transfered us to a different school. She was never allowed to do much in terms of socializing. We lived waaay out in the country in a very old house, with a road that could tear up your car if you didn't know what you were doing. She was allowed to spend the night with friends, and the occasional party. Other than that she was at home. My little brother is the baby of the group and you can tell. not just because he is younger, but because he is spoiled to the core. If he wanted something 9/10 times he got it. My mother would go to the store and bring him back a toy, or candy. He also never gets in trouble. He could cuss up a storm and he would just get yelled at and it would be dropped. Had i cussed like a sailor in front of my parents when I was 13, i would have been grounded or something. He gets off with just a raised voice. And then there was me. I guess i would be what you would call the "quiet" one. I made good grades, and kept to myself most of the time. It was alright there. Until my mother began to... "forget" about me. It was little things, like getting everyone some candy and not me, or doing something with the family and not me. Sure that seems childish, but I was young, I wanted some attention too! XD And forget about me going over to a friends house or overnight somewhere. It was like a taboo to them. Their idea of parenting was "give him a video game. it keeps him quiet" Then, it got... worse... I turned 15. It was supposed to be a great year. And for the most part it was. It was my freshman year, and it wasn't so bad. Of course, I didn't turn 15 till may, which is like the end of the year, but i was looking forward to it because i could finally get my driving permit. my birthday came and went. and about the first of June i talked to my mom about getting it. She was like "i will go and get you a book today". Never happened. "i forgot." Next time she went into town "don't forget my book!" "okay!" ...nothing "i forgot." There is a pattern here... it lasted for about 6months. i even wrote it down for her, and still nothing. So i began to feel like they just didnt care about me. So i gave up on it. my 16th birthday came, and everyone in school was talking about how they were driving here and there and could do this and do that. And when they asked me about my driving I told them i couldnt and they laughed at me and made fun. Im sure you can imagine how that makes a person feel. So i started in on my parents again. and they did the whole "forgetting" thing for another month or two. Then i finally got one of those books. I read it like 4 times i could answer all the questions in the back no problem i was ready. And I told my mom. She told me we would go that following wednesday. I made it as far as my grandma's. "i forgot. next week" And we played this game for another 4months. And that feeling of them not caring about me grew and twisted. So i gave up. I just stopped trying. then around my 18th my sister told me she would at least teach me what she could. So we had my aunts car, she drives it to our mailbox (1.4miles away) and she lets me drive... I get about 5yards and the car dies. No gas. And so again, I gave up. I felt like a loser and i felt stupid and so many other negative things. What else could I have done? nobody would help me. They just left me alone because i could take care of myself. Anywho... i confronted my mom about it in February of this year. I told her i was depressed and i told her how i was feeling and the story i just told you all. And she said she was a bad mother and she was sorry for doing that to me and that when the weather cleared up we could start again. I said, i will hold you to that. here it is... July now. and Still nothing. i even reminded her about it. hell she even saw i had some practice tests open on the web. and still i get nothing. All her attention goes to my Sister and her 3 kids. Or someone else. It is like she has no time for me. But it feels like I am being ignored again. Just cast into the background. I don't know what else to do anymore. Talking obviously got me nothing but a bunch of meaningless sorries. So i just give up. Again, i know it seems dramatic because it is just driving, but i feel like i missed out on something when i was younger. I still feel that way. Kind of like, this ONE thing is holding me back. And i cannot move forward in some aspects of my life until it is resolved. But I cannot get anyone to help me. not a single soul in my family will help. I have tried and tried to get help, but to no avail. So i just give up again. Not much else i can do if nobody will listen to me. That's one thing i love about EC. So many of your are willing to help. And help everyone you can. If only there were more people like you guys around here to help me, maybe i would be doing better hehehehe. Okay i think my rant is over. Sorry it is so long. If nothng makes sense... i am sorry i just typed what was in my head....... <3 you guys!
To be honest it sounds like your mom is neglecting you completely... No parent should forget that many times. Have you sat down with her recently and really told her exactly how you feel and what you think of her? It sounds like she needs to be yelled at. Sometimes you gotta pitch a fit to be heard. It's the same way in my family sometimes. My brother gets all the attention as the older son. My dad will cut me off mid sentance to ask him a trivial question. My parents are more interested in what he's doing with his life. They only call me or talk to me so that I'll fix their computers because they cant handle that on their own. It sucks, but sometimes I just break down and go off on them because it's the only way to get them to listen to me. So tell her straight up she's been an awful parent and you're unhappy with the situation she's been putting you in. I know it sounds weird and very teen angsty, but sometimes you just have to make your parents feel bad to get them to notice that they're making YOU feel bad.
It seems your family is showcasing middle child syndrome. Two of my friends are victims of it. One is constantly overlooked by her parents, and the other had it so bad that her parents never paid attention to her and she went out and became addicted to coke for 2 years before her parents finally noticed and got her help. Now, most of what I'm going to say next is based on educated guesses, conjectures and observations. I'm one of two children. I'm the oldest, my sister is the youngest. As such, I get all the expectations placed in me to be "all that and more" so to speak; to go out and change the world. My sister being the youngest gets coddled. Personally, I like exactly how that dichotomy is set up; I'd rather have monumental expectations than be smothered. But my sister sounds exactly like your brother. My sister routinely gets in trouble and grounded (like, every other day) and a day or two later when she asks to go out, her request is naturally granted. Happens every time. Now, here comes the highly speculative part of my tangent. It's hard as fuck raising kids. It's hard as fuck raising one kid, let alone three. When you have your first child, you don't know what you're supposed to do as a parent. You just kind of wing it. As you have more kids you start to take a step back and say, "Okay, here's maybe where I should have done differently" or "Maybe I wasn't as strong during this area/event/problem as I should have been." As such, you start to get stricter as you learn the game better which I think leads to the stereotype that the oldest is treated more leniently while the youngest can still get whatever they want, but they have more rules placed on them. In your specific case, it sounds like because your sister was the wild child, your mother really had to crack down on her and because your brother was the baby she smothers him and gives him life on a silver platter in hopes that he won't become that way. Because in your case you were relatively well behaved and never presented any problems, she probably figured you didn't need as much attention. This is absolutely the case with one of my friends. Her parents groom her older sister to get ready to take on the world and they smother her younger brother because he has a learning disability. Since my friend never had any behavioral problems, does decently in school and so forth, she doesn't get much attention from them. (This is all my own observations, not concrete fact). This doesn't mean she doesn't love you as much, I'm sure. And you definitely do need to make it clear that forgetting things for you is not alright, and it doesn't make you feel good. And that saying "I'm a bad mother" doesn't excuse this behavior. But I think it is worth bringing up that you feel a little ignored. Just something small like if she forgets something you can say, "Why does this appear to be becoming a pattern here?" or something along those lines. Even if you've tried before and it doesn't seem like she's getting the message, if you say it enough it has to sink in eventually. Sorry I can't give more concrete, foolproof advice to fix the situation but I can sympathize with you because I do know people in extremely similar situations to yours.
I have brought it up before. On many occasions. I know she is a busy woman, and she does tend to forget things, its going to happen. And I, in no way, think she is a bad mother. But, I sometimes think she purposely forgets so i will remain totally dependent on her and never leave her. So she does what she can to keep me.... as "simple minded" as possible.
