I stopped writing because it is wayyyyyy to dark , torture and murder and shit and well i started again because i am trying to quit cutting but i dont know where to vent in real life , i tried aggression but i keep geting in trouble for no reason for it , the think i am hurting myself now since they got called from my school saying i was cutting in class [ stupidest thing ever i know ] but i still feel numb almost . i don't feel like doing much as a matter of fact i used to be a gamer , and now i turn down playing halo at school with friends because it sounds boring . the only thing i want to do is cut cry and die . I know this is very unhealthy but i only felt happy today because i can eat again [ got a crown ] and i now am trying to keep from eating because i just lost weight and when i start eating i eat stress away i feel hopeless , although people say i am not but i still feel that way sometimes . i cry when no one is watching for no reason , i know i am depressed the inpatient facility said so , they gave me meds and i am on them but i only have been getting worse . Chris last time said i may need to go back to inpatient but i cant , i am a runner and a fighter when you try to take me places , and then if those fail i try to kill myself [ this is from prevous time at inpatient ] and now i feel even more helpless the only thing i can do for the next few days to sooth my inner pain is food , i just spent all last year losing wait and i don't want it to be for nothing . i feel suicidal sometimes and started keeping a journal but seeing one to three times a day with a plan each time is really offputting . i feel like i am wrong some of the time for liking guys that are about ten years older than me or more . i feel like the world would be better without me sometimes and that i am wasting space . i believe we exist to live through pain just to rot in the ground . sometimes i wish i could be better but masking my emotions hasn't helped . and what is worse is that i actually want to cry but pretend to be happy and it hurts so much that i stopped seeing my friends today i couldn't handle the pain i am happy only when i am around people because i am supposed to be [ i am faking it ] and i even pretend to be normal when i start talking to people because i feel like a freak for hearing things and seeing things , i am to ashamed to actually press on to get help because when i do i am afraid i will be a untreatable and told that . I am just tired of living this way . i need help and i do have therapist / psychiatrist visits in 14 days and i have been told that i should go back to inpatient but i am in summer school because i went to inpatient and missed lectures and now am trying to graduate on time because of that . But as all else fails with the visits in 2 weeks i have a backup plan , it is not suicide , i will go back to drining and cutting and re-bottling emotions and maybe even smoking i dont know but i cant live this way and i handled it before , i may need to just go back to that if i can't get medical help is how i veiw it . well sorry for typos and grammar mistakes.
Just reading this made me feel bad and want to reach out an help you (*hug*) but unfortunatly I don't have any suggestions but try to hang in there till that psychiatrist visit and just release all this onto them to get their intake. Until then just keep writing in the journal cause it seems to me if you don't you might start to act out those plans. All I can suggest is seek professional help as soon as possible but it seems you are working on it. But it also seems there is more you arent revealing to why you feel this way. And about the guys 10 years or so earlier than you, thats just who you like not much you can do with that. Perhaps you are seeking them for their apparent maturity and how it seems they are stronger than you. About the friends I can kinda understand how you feel. I am a world of warcraft addict but the game is becoming very boring and I am losing interest in it and I don't play for as long as I used to. But with my friends irl I am always happy cause I don't hang out too much with them even though its really just 2 really good friends for me. Regardless if you feel you are a waste of space, others will miss you and be hurt by your actions if you do anything. Just don't take any actions to hurt yourself till you get help. If you need to talk I got nothing going on in my life so if you gotta vent message me
If writing helps you to not hurt yourself then there is nothing wrong with it. I often write when I'm feeling angry or down. I wrote stories about a guy who kidnapps and tortures people who piss him off, mostly because I can't do those things. Writing isn't hurting anyone, cutting is hurting someone. Don't think that if you weren;t here no one would care that isn't true, no matter much you think it is.
the stories i write are like someone gets kidnapped , then cut bleach in the cut , then chainmail gloves are used so the person can be whipped with barbed wire and then shove razor blades down the throat and end with a cliffhanger . i dont really like it and the fact that i stretch that into 5-10 pages with details Secondly if my parents cancelled my last psychiatrist appointment for no reason after they knew i was hearing voices and thinking suicidally who then actually cares ?? My friends , they dont know who i truely am . I am just a dead man walking i am sitting around half the time thinking of kiling myself and then the other half i am either trying to find something to do or trying to refrain from actually hurting myself and it is just to much to try to deny myself this anymore if i cannot get help from the pshychiatrist , inpatient didn't help either . it just hurts inside sometimes when i hold everythinhg in and i cant express it , drinking helped so if i cant get help from the therapist/ psychiatrist i will return to it , if it helped me before then why not agian ?
Maybe if you told a good friend about your issues, and I mean one you know will care, then maybe they can help you through it. Feeling that way is not normal so obviously professional help is needed but so is social help from close friends so you feel while dealing with all the bull shoved at you by professionals you have people who really care for you to help you through this dark period. I would say if that cancelled appointment wasnt for the one in a few days then try to wait for it but always try to get the courage to tell a close friend your issues. I feel like you are at the point where no matter how they respond you will feel better cause you will know someone knows your true feelings and issues, they might spread that around, but eventually it might reach someone who truely cares if they don't and they will try to help you. And don't drink or try any illegal drugs. I have seen what those can do to people, not from health class, but real life and trust me they will only mask the pain for a bit until one point it no longer helps and your worse off than before.
i stil have my upcoming one but the original one was canceled , but i dont have close friend i can actually talk to , and i know what drugs can do to someone i have seen it first hand . i dont care anymore i am willing to live inside a bottle instead of what my mind is giving me , it just is pain after pain and i not comprehending why i shouldn't cut i have no clue to be honest why it is bad . not the slightest . i am just tired of the anguish i am sentenced to , why is it me .
Cause typically life in general sucks but you gotta look to the good things in life to help compensate. I also doubt there isn't even one friend you could talk to and cutting is bad because should you cut too deep you could bleed too much, lose consciousness, and die if not treated. The dark writings may disturb you but they are healthier than injuring yourself. At the very least you always got the nice people on this website to help talk you through issues and what not so at the least you are never alone or ignored.
