Not sure if this is in the right place….. Uhm; Hi! I was hoping that I might get some feedback from you smart folks, and see what you think of my situation; er, issue? But before I actually posit my problem, I want to give a little background information so that my train of thought can be recognized. To start off with, I can pretty much declare that I’m a gay 22-year old male, currently living in Virginia. I’ve been out to everyone since January of this year, and things have been pretty much moving uphill in my life, so I’m not in dire straits or anything. But for much of my ‘youth’ (I use the world lightly), I was heavily depressed over my sexuality. I attempted suicide a few times, and when I failed in that aspect, I completely withdrew from the world and became basically a loner. I never talked to anyone and I never stood up for myself; I kinda just floated through life. I luckily had someone in my life that finally forced me to wake up, a bit before my 19th birthday, and since then I’ve seen plenty of doctors, had a therapist, and learned to work through my problems. Like I said, my life is (happily) moving towards a normal track. But, one of the side effects of the whole experience- going from silent to open- is that I really don’t have an accurate control of my mouth. I guess I missed out on those opportunities to learn how to speak in public settings and how to speak without being confrontational. Basically, whenever I get into an argument or anything, I tend to be, well, outspoken. I try to teach myself the difference between talking and confronting, but when someone says a comment that presses me the wrong way, I act without thinking and I jab right back. I tend to say stupid things that just seem to mess the situation up worse, not in a typical hot-head fashion but with whatever I can that hurts the worst. But while I’m not exactly happy with the way I act, it’s not my problem. I just hit on it to pretty much clear up the fact that I take up for myself nowadays, and as a result of that I feel as if I have developed incredibly strong morals over the last three years. After a long time of trying and failing, I finally pride myself on the person who I am. One of the aspects that I really like of my personality is that I do not lie; not even for a small, white lie. I try to spare feelings; but I do not lie. Another aspect is that I put myself on the forefront; especially when it comes to LBGT issues. I’ve made quite a few memorable appearances at family get-togethers (they’re all hardcore Baptists) in which I frankly told them my mind. I’ve learned to be proud of myself; basically. If someone asks me if I’m gay (which hasn’t actually happened yet), I’ll tell them upfront. But this is where my actual problem comes in. Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve had just two dreams in life. One is to become an architect; the other is to serve in the military. My problem lies in number two. I’ve been with basically my whole life, dreaming of proving myself and proving all those who doubted me wrong. I’m a small guy, and through I have a ways to go physical-wise, I refuse to be beaten. Anyways, I’ve been told that I’m ‘straight-acting’, so I wouldn’t have any kind of DADT issues- at least to start with. I just can’t see myself lying. I’m pretty sure that if asked, I would be able to deny. I can see myself uttering those words and keeping silent during the whole gay jokes and stuff. But that I would actually do that is what’s causing me grief. I hate the fact that I would ever deny myself. I hate that I wouldn’t stand up and confront those making gay jokes and such. I just hate it. I’ve asked my family for some advice, but they’ve mostly just stuck with the ‘we’ll support you no matter what’ line, which I’m not ashamed to receive by any means. But, honestly speaking, I need a bit more than that. Am I over-reacting? Putting the whole gay issue to forward? Should I continue to stick to my morals; even through they’ll keep me from doing something that I’d love? I’ll appreciate any feedback given, pretty much by anyone. If, by any chance, there are any gay soldiers on the forum, I would love to especially hear from you and how you dealt with the issue. Thanks!
Congrats on getting on the road to recovery, I'm glad that things are going so well for you and that you've found your voice. I think that being honest is a great quality that you should obviously keep but about the speaking out issue: I do the same thing as you. React and retort before I have a chance to censor my own thoughts let along spoken word. I just try to force myself to think about what I am going to say for at least 5 seconds and strip away all the extra stuff that could be unnecessarily hurtful or rude while still maintaing the fact that I wish to get across. I kinda suck at it but I suck at it less than I used too As for the soldier thing, can't say I know to much about that. But maybe if you're willing to wait a bit and see how the whole "don't ask don't tell" thing is going you could join in a little bit? If you want to join now than I guess it comes down to which is more important: being open about yourself or your aspiration? Good Luck
I know two gay soldiers, one only casually, one pretty well. They basically deal with it by being open in safe environments, and closeted elsewhere (there may even be other soldiers you can talk to about it, but be careful). Learning when to talk is tough. Try to watch other people's emotions, and pick and choose your battles (decide which ones are worth it; be sure to compensate for your natural leaning--e.g. I tend to assume no battles are worth it with my family and compensate against that when talking with them).
Welcome to EC! I am glad the suicide attempts failed. You seem like a nice guy. It's good to see you came round to your sexuality and you came out it take's a lot of guts to do that so well done! And learning to talk can be difficult it can be hard to socialize as I found out. Try and mix with people who are like you a bit nervous and then you can and will find it easier to talk.
