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Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dr Acula, Jul 21, 2010.

  1. Dr Acula

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    Hey everyone, long time since I've been on here.

    Last time I was here, I was having some problems telling someone I liked him. Long story short, that didn't end well. I didn't need to tell him, because as far as I can tell, he was just using me. We'd slept together a couple of times and seemed really couply, but as I say, he seems to have just been sleeping with me when it suited him and now seems to have gotten back together with his boyfriend in another country (don't ask me how it'll work, I honestly don't know).

    Anyway, the problem is this - I still like him. I know he's hurt me, a lot, but he's also helped me and was one of the only people there when I was having some really hefty problems a couple of months ago. How do I get over him, or more importantly, say no if he wanted to get back together at some point?

    The next problem is this. There's someone else I'm interested in, lovely guy and we're good mates. However, I've always had rubbish self-confidence, especially after the debacle that was the above. I've always thought myself fat and ugly (won't describe myself, there's a pic on my profile if it's that important lol). Whenever I chat to mates then they say I'm not and whatnot, but I can't believe them. I think part of my biggesst problem is that I don't think I'm worth it. Just about every guy I've been with has just been a snog or a shag then nothing - with the people I knew the situation beforehand it was fine - nothing more than fun, but anyway. So that's the background, now the problem. I really want to ask him out. We've seen each other since finishing uni - went shopping together in a nearby city (we only live about a 30 minute drive from each other) and everything was good, we were chatting a lot, having a laugh and there was no uncomfortableness and there were a number of accidental hand brushes (don't think they were my doing - not consciously anyway). Anyway, how do I ask him out? My self esteem problems make me think that he'll just say no off the bat and I can't see differently.

    Sorry if I've rambled, any help appreciated.
     
  2. chrisg

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    It's hard to build self-confidence, especially if you've been used before. But you have to be bold--if you don't ask your friend out, then you won't know if he'll say yes or no. Isn't a definite answer better than a POSSIBLE answer consuming your thoughts? You don't look fat and ugly on your profile, so you might as well go for it. And if he says no, then he's not good enough for you anyway.

    As for your old flame, one way to get over him or to say no is to think of how much drama he's caused you; are you better without those issues, without him using you?
     
  3. Lexington

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    A few thoughts.

    I've struggled with the "I'm not good enough" (hot enough, skinny enough, smart enough) thoughts over the years. And having worked through it myself, and helped others through it, here's something I've noticed.

    We tend to have ourselves pretty well sussed. We really do tend to have a fairly good grip on who we are, our strengths and weaknesses. So you may be somewhat correct about your weight, your objective attractiveness, and all that. However, we tend to be REALLY forgiving of other people. We tend to gloss over all the problems, issues, faults and insecurities that other people have. We glance over their pimples, big nose, spare tire and/or sproinky hair...and we still think they're cute, or at least a good friend. We don't obsess over THEIR hair, or THEIR bad skin, or THEIR extra pounds. Only our own.

    As such, you might think of yourself as the only person on the plane of mortals, whereas everybody else is in this rarified air of attractive, self-assured demi-gods. Nope. They get out of the shower, and stare in the mirror, and get unhappy about the same types of stuff you do.

    You already went out with this guy once. And apparently had a good time. So give him a call, and see if you can get back together. If you're nervous about the whole "date" aspect of it, don't call it that. Don't ask him out on a date, or ask if he'll go out with you. Just ask if he'll DO something with you. "Hey, had a great time with you shopping last week/month. I'm free this weekend, and I was trying to figure out what I might like to do. I was thinking about going to see a movie/checking out this great band/seeing the new exhibit at the museum/having a picnic in the park. Any chance you'd be interested in joining me?"

    Lex
     
  4. Dr Acula

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    The thing is, objectively I'm not overweight, I know that. I'm about 5'9", 72kg so a BMI of about 234 - perfectly normal and healthy to all intents and purposes, but everything I see is the fat me.

    To be honest, I've been out with him twice, once in Bristol when we went shopping (again lol) whilst still at uni and when we got back home and seen each other out clubbing a fair few times. I imagine there wouldn't be any trouble going out again, especially to catch up (he's on holiday this week) but it's trying to get to the next level etc that's the real problem.
     
  5. Lexington

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    >>>The thing is, objectively I'm not overweight, I know that. I'm about 5'9", 72kg so a BMI of about 234 - perfectly normal and healthy to all intents and purposes, but everything I see is the fat me.

    And that's exactly what everybody does.

    I wish I had a link, but years ago, I saw a bit in a magazine where they asked actors and models - all of whom were on those "100 Most Beautiful People" lists - "what physical attribute of yours do you dislike?" I can guarantee you that nobody said "Nothing." And nobody gave slightly positive answers about wishing that maybe their smiler was a bit whiter. No, everybody was adamant about something they HATED. In fact, most of the answers turned into angry rants against something about themselves. "Ugh! I HATE my nose! It looks like a cheese slicer!" "When I look in the mirror, I have to keep my eyes up, or I start obsessing about how big my hips are." Everybody had something. And they weren't playing cutesy for the camera - they all really didn't like something about themselves. We're ALL just a bunch of neuroses wrapped up in human skin. And that includes this guy you've got your eye on. He's in the same league as you because (as a human being) he does the same thing. He's got his issues and problems and things he dislikes about himself, too.

    As far as moving from friend to more-than-friend, I'm assuming you've got the major hurdle out of the way - you know he's gay. (You don't say one way or the other, but I'm assuming if you're come this far, you'd at least mention not knowing if you didn't.) If so, you can simply ask. But frankly, if you're looking at more of a "boyfriend" than a "shag", there's nothing wrong with keeping things on the friendship level for a bit. Then, during one of your days together, you can do a bit of fishing. Ask if he's seeing anybody, then tell him you've had your eye on somebody, and tell him. "Actually, the guy I've been interested in is you. But I'm not sure that's something you might be interested in, so I've been reluctant to bring it up."

    Lex
     
  6. Dr Acula

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    He's definitely gay - had a boyfriend until March, although it only lasted a couple of months. I mean, I've always thought he was nice, but obviously didn't do anything since he was with someone, but we text quite a lot nowadays and occasionally chat on the phone for a while. Equally though, my paranoia has driven me mad the last couple of days. He's on holiday at the moment, but said he'd drop me a FB message at some point while he was away - he hasn't :frowning2:

    I think the big problem I'm feeling at the moment is that I always think that if I don''t do something, he'll go for someone else. However, I know that I'm not after a quick shag - that phase has been and gone, but I still have zero self confidence. Perhaps I should try and ask him how to ask someone out, I dunno, never been confident enough to do this sort of thing.
     
  7. Lexington

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    Don't sweat the FB message too much. On my last vacation, I promised to send messages to a bunch of people, and didn't - mainly because internet connections ended up being at a premium. And even when they weren't, I was kinda busy. :slight_smile:

    And yeah, you can try that approach. I personally think my approach is better, but that might just be personal preference. Or me getting egotistical - hard to tell. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. paco

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    wow, that sounds shockingly similar to something that happened to me back in high school. it took a while to get over him, and the only thing that helped was remembering how much pain he put me through. there's no happy ending there. and i'm still getting over the self esteem issues from that.

    funny how our self esteem can actually be lowered when a guy wants to hook up with us isn't it? look, if he was sleeping with you, there was a reason, so you're worth something.

    anyway, have confidence in yourself. the last thing you want is to not make a move when you know you should. i lost at least 3 guys over the past year that clearly liked me now that i look back on it, and it was just because i didnt let them know how i felt, and the "what if" question still bothers me every time i'm reminded of them. don't make my mistakes because you're right, if you wait too long, he will get frustrated and move on.

    if you're nervous, don't ask him on a formal dinner/movie date, say something like, "hey, i've got this free day here and i've been wanting to do _______, you wanna join in?"
     
    #8 paco, Jul 23, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2010