So I guess I have the common coming out questions, but my situation is a bit complicated. Bear with me... My parents are very religious. Baptists, specifically. Their religion has everything to do with everything they do in life. You know the type. I stopped believing when I was about 14-15, and they know that I don't believe anymore, though they're not very accepting of it (or at least my mom isn't). Around the same time (or a little earlier) I began to realize I liked girls and not boys, and to come to terms with that. I figured I'd have to deal with coming out to my parents eventually, though I refused to do it while I lived at home because I didn't want them trying to get me counselling or anything. I even denied it outright to my mom once (I'd told her she wouldn't like me if she really knew me, and she asked me a bunch of questions like "are you doing drugs? are you gay?"). I'd been planning on pretty much coming out to them when it became nessecary... like when I had a serious girlfriend. However, as it happens, shortly before I turned 18 and moved out I met this guy. I knew he liked me but told him (or rather, had a friend tell him so he wouldn't think I was just using it as a lame excuse) that I was a lesbian. We became fast, close friends. He was there for me while I dealt with the drama of moving out and everything, and several months later, I realized I was falling in love with him, despite everything I thought I finally knew about myself. Fast forward to now. I've been dating this guy for almost two years now, he's wonderful and understanding and I love him more than anything in the world. We get along outstandingly, and several people have commented on how good and strong our relationship is, so I really don't see us breaking up. Unless he were to die (heaven forbid), I don't see myself ever being with a woman. Still, I feel that the fact that I like women is a big part of who I am. Most of my friends know, but none of my family. My question is, now that I'm with a guy, is there any point in coming out to my family, considering what a difficult ordeal it's going to be due to their religious beliefs? I still feel like I'm hiding it, and I hate that feeling. But what am I supposed to say? I don't even know what to think of myself, how are my parents supposed to understand? Most people refer to me as bisexual, but I don't really feel that way. I feel "bisexual" applies more to people who are more evenly attracte to men and women, where as I'm attracted to women and one man who I happened to fall in love with. But I can't call myself a lesbian either, since I'm dating a guy. If I come out to my parents like this, they'll probably just think I'm confused, or that God is helping me "overcome" my homosexuality or something along those lines. They pick on me a lot (mostly in good fun, though it doesn't feel that way to me) about how I used to say I'd never have a boyfriend or get married, and I just want to scream at them, "that's because I thought I'd only ever be with girls!" I feel like I'm pretending to be totally straight around them and that's not me. But is it worth it to even bring it up at this point, if it'll never really affect them? My relationship with my parents is incredibly strained as it is... would I just be making things worse for no good reason?
It sounds like you feel dishonest and unhappy about it, and I think that by itself certainly can affect your parents, or at least your relationship with them. Being honest with them is an entirely valid reason to risk putting strain on your relationship with them, because ultimately that sort of honesty can strengthen the relationship you already have. I think it's important to consider how a negative reaction from them will affect how you feel about yourself. Are you sure enough of your sexuality that their possible theories of "confusion" and "phases" would not waver your certainty of your sexuality?
I'm pretty sure them saying I'm confused or whatnot wouldn't bother me too much... I mean, it would 'cause they don't believe me, but I'm pretty sure of myself. I know I like girls... and the fact that I now like a guy hasn't changed that, so I don't think anything my parents say will either. You make a good point about my being dishonest and unhappy affecting them though... thanks for the advice. I'll definitely think it over.
>>>I feel "bisexual" applies more to people who are more evenly attracte to men and women, where as I'm attracted to women and one man who I happened to fall in love with. The thing is - it doesn't. Look at me for a second. (Relax, it won't hurt.) I like guys more or less exclusively. The term for that is "gay". The label "gay", however, comes with some baggage. You know the routine - fashion-obsessed, high voiced, hate sports, lisp, what have you. As it turns out, most of those things don't hold true for me. My laugh sometimes ramps up into the giggle zone, I like to cross my legs when I sit, a couple things like that. But most of them don't seem to apply. But here's the deal - I don't care. It doesn't matter that I don't own a thing from an A&F store, or scream myself hoarse at indoor lacrosse matches. I still like guys, so I'm still gay. And maybe some folks will think that means some (or all) of those things under the "baggage" category. BFD. It don't make it so. Now back to you. But instead of leaping straight to your sexuality, let's talk about your fantastic home state of Wis-consin. You live in Wisconsin, and thus are a Wisconsinite. And, like every other label under the sun, that label comes with some baggage. You're a cheddarhead. You call summer "three months of bad sledding". Your fancy beer of choice is Pabst Blue Ribbon. Not picking on Wisconsin here - EVERY state has 'em. And probably, some/most/all of these things aren't true of you. Still, you don't fear the label "Wisconsinite". When somebody says "You're from Wisconsin? Where's your Packers jersey?", you don't feel the need to decry labels. You simply roll your eyes and explain that not everybody from Wisconsin is like that, thank you. The problem isn't in the label - it's the baggage. And even that says more about other people than about you. Finally, there's your sexuality. You dig girls and guys (at least one of each). That makes you bisexual. That's dictionary definition. It doesn't matter if you like both exactly the same amount. Or if you prefer one over the other. Or if you settle down with either a guy or a girl. If they both turn you on, you're bisexual. And yeah, there's baggage along with that. You're indecisive, you're gay but too scared to commit, you're oversexed, whatever else you want to throw into the mix. But again, that's baggage. It doesn't change your sexuality. And you can wave that crap away the same way you can wave away the idea that you've got a foam piece of cheese that you wear on your head somewhere at home. Weak stereotypes that get attached to labels. Doesn't make them true. Maybe of others, but not necessarily of you. So don't get hung up too much on "I'm not bisexual because..." Back to your original question. Should you tell your parents? I don't know. You said you would if it were "relevant". Is it? Like you said about having a girlfriend. Is there something you WOULD say to your parents but aren't because they don't know? Do you refrain from saying "I think that girl is really hot" because they don't know? I don't say "that guy's pretty hot" to my parents, not because I'm not out (I am), but because that's the sort of thing my parents and I simply don't chat about. And as such, I don't know if I'd tell my parents if I were on the same wavelength as you. But if you really feel you're hiding something from them, feel free to tell them. Lex
You bring up some very interesting points, Lex. It's true, I guess... I'm more afraid of the stereotyping, the label baggage, than anything. I'm afraid my parents will treat me differently because of their preconceived ideas. Well, that and their religion. But as you say, the stereotypes aren't really a big deal... but even with the stereotyping fear out of the way, there's still the fact that homosexuality in any form is to my parents a sin second only to murder. Even if I show them that being bisexual doesn't make me a slut or any more likely to participate in various illicit activities or a committmentphobe, it'll still be one more Great Big Sin on my list. Although at this point, I'm a big enough sinner in their eyes that I'm not sure if one more sin will really make that big of a difference. I don't really go around discussing who I find attractive around my parents either, that's not something we've ever really talked about... but from time to time homosexuality does come up. My parents like to talk about politics and current events, and any time issues relating to homosexuality come up it makes me very uncomfortable because they're always so derogatory towards homosexuals. I mean, I guess I could just ask them to be a little more polite in their speech when I'm around, but I don't feel like it'd have much weight without a motive like, "it hurts me because I'm bisexual. I'm one of those people you're bad-mouthing." It'd probably end up coming out anyway if I did just ask them not to verbally gay-bash, because they'd say something like, "why does it matter - are YOU gay?" That and I still feel like I'm not really being true to myself by letting them think I'm heterosexual. I just want them to know who I really am and maybe someday be able to accept me for it, y'know? Like... it may not ever be very relevent to them, but I guess it's relevent to me. Does that make sense? It's just that it could backfire completely and make things a lot worse, and I'm not sure if it's worth it. Sorry if I don't make a lot of sense... I guess I'm still pretty confused on what it is I really want. :/
